im not going to lie, i love how comforting gwen has been recently. but this knee thing , along with the fainting.. what if i get a reputation for always having problems on set or something ?? gwen isn't always going to be there for me, you know?
gwen wants me to stay with her until after i recover from the surgery, and that means living with her until the end of january, most likely. it's a very exciting prospect. her house , even though it's humongous, it's oddly still quite comforting and homey. i'm glad i have an excuse to be there with her. i think that it will help my mental health a ton.
even despite that.. when we get home ; i think i wanna self harm. *authors note, someone requested this, i knowbthat this may be a lot at once so stop reading now if this could be triggering or take a break. well she's living with gwen , she'll have a lot of random mom and daughter lighthearted stuff, but for rn it's serious.*
*back to the story*
the reason being, i feel like i'm failing as the thing i've always dreamed of - being an actor , and working with gwen. gwen seems to be incredibly patient , so i know she doesn't exactly hate me for it, but i'm literally making our season of our show come out like 2 months later then it's supposed to. and it feels like as much as i try, i'll always end up messing up in some way. my main language isn't even english, so my accent makes me so insecure to be having on tv , plus, when i talk to gwen i worry that i may be breaking up my english , and not being understood.. with all of that, i feel like i deserve to be hurt.
obviously, living with gwen, self harming may be a challenge ,, but i'm up for it.
i just have to get her distracted, so that she doesn't find me. i just need to hurt myself to get rid of my mistakes, and carve a new slate. and if i use my lotion my scars will have plenty of time to heal. if not, i'll just put concealer on them. i've had bigger tattoos to cover before, it shouldn't be a problem at all.
gwen asks the dr if i'm ready to go home, then and we are.
luckily.
gwen wants to stop by mcdonald's for me on the way home, which is a fear food but a childhood favorite of mine so i say yes.
i look at the kids meal i got, a little baby cheeseburger and fries, with my requested side of apples and chocolate milk , and gwen has a cheeseburger and a diet coke.
i feel so nostalgic, and gwen starts to play taylor swift on the radio. we start dancing around happily , and it feels like it's the first time i've been genuinely happy in a while. but self harming will just complete the happiness. it will make me feel completely whole and okay. bjt because of how happy i just was, i'll try to do it a little lighter then most times.
