Hey, other that this little part everything in this caption was written when I was like 12 or something so please don't take it too seriously.
F*ck feelings
This is just kinda my online diary except i don't write all my secrets in it and I won't men...
WARNING: in this chapter thing I wrote about my feelings and after a little while I started to get a bit emontional, please remember that. Oh, and I indirectly slightly talked about ED and quite a bit about insecurities so if that's triggering to you I wouldn't recommend reading this.
Its been quite a while since I wrote here, hasn't it?
Hello,
I usually try to put some humoristic things or stories in these kind of "chapters", but I actually want to write about my feelings and things I deal with this time.
Now that I started writing this it is december 23th 2022 at 23:50, so that's just a fun fact for my future self:)
Anyways, I don't even know where and how to start.
Many things are going trough my head these days, pestering me the entire time. Sometimes people ask me if I'm alright because I keep zoning out, than those thoughts seem to hide from me so I can't explain what and how I feel.
I try to use metaphors but even than not everything can be said with the same underlaying energy as the one in my head.
To be honest, I, myself don't even know the anwser all the time.
Something I think is really annoying is when people say "the opinion others have about you doesn't matter" or "just ignore it" or "the only opinion that matters is your own".
It's easier said than done.
Yeah, I'm aware that I shouldn't care about the opinions of others but I do, okay? I can't change that.
I care.
I fucking care!
I know that they don't mean it that way but I'm so done with pretending like I don't care about the way others see me, I'm so fucking done with always being interupted in the middle of talking about my feelings just to hear a little "don't care about others" and a sprinkle of "be yourself".
I'm starting to tear up lol:)
Anyhow, can I please stop living in a lie untill it becomes reality?
Insecurity is just a burden I take with me everywhere, it's almost like a game. Every level it becomes harder untill you just aren't capable of continuing anymore.
Yesterday (it's december 24th 2022 at 00:19 rn so yesterday was like nineteen minutes ago) I skipped lunch and dinner so I didn't eat for over ten hours. I started to get really dizzy and almost fell down multiple times so I finally ate a little but the worst part is that I would and will probably do it again.
I know that it is bad for me but my insecurities are taking over more and more.
I don't really fear death that much anymore and I think that's what fears me even more than anything else recently.
"I don't want to die but sometimes I wish I was never born at all"- lyrics from Bohemian Rhapsody by 'Queen', I kind of relate to it I guess.
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I close my eyes and I can't see
But it's even scarier that I'm awake now
- Awaken
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That's about it for now ig all that I'm going to put under this is lyrics that hit different but that isn't really important so feel free to skip that and I'll say bye here:)
bye.
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Is everyone happy except me, I'm so curious about it.
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I wanted to do so many things, but I kept being chased by time.
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Please do it your way.
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I'm praying for myself to hold on, to save myself from their unkind stares.
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I don't look like I belong somewhere alone, No matter how I smile I feel so lonely.
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Everybody blesses me, one thousand meaningless wishes.
