The Ghost Of You

Chapter Four

Riley

This was the way it had to be, I knew if I waited for James to get back to the room that was it. I wouldn't be able to get him to leave. If I didn't leave when I did he would have been stuck in the loop with me and I can't do that to him
I knew that this was how it was always supposed to be.. 

James needs something better in his life, someone better. I'm not the one who made me see that 
That night 5 years ago still plays in a loop in my mind every single night

I walked into Bill's in the search for Tanya. I knew that the she has everything I need right now even if I hate that I keep doing this to them
As soon as I walked into the café, I was greeted by one of my favourite sights
Daniel stood behind the counter with Harrison stood next to them while they cooked something. Cookies by the looks of it
Tanya sat off to the side with Sienna sat on her lap watching her older brother in awe

The four of them look the definition of a perfect family, exactly what both Harrison and Sienna deserve. They don't deserve a mother who can barely keep herself a float.. They need a family, they need stability 

Every time I look at Harrison, all I see is James. A 4 year old version of him. Harrison is my constant reminder of what I had, what I always wanted. What was taken from me
Sienna looks exactly like me, which I am thankful for. When I feel pregnant with Sienna over a year ago I was even more petrified. I knew that if her father looked hard enough he could find her.. And that's the last thing I want

"Mama mama" Sienna's voice babbled making me look over at her again to see her gorgeous brown eyes locked with mine with a grin causing her chubby cheeks to overpower her filled her face 
As soon as she babbled those words, Harrison looked up also in search of me and the moment he found me he smile to

"Mum! Uncle Daniel and I were making sugar cookies! They are so good!" He said jumping off of his stall coming over meeting me in the middle of my path as I got to him. I leant down pressing a kiss on the top of his head as I pushed some hair out of his face
"You did huh?" I asked making him nod confidently 
"That's brilliant Harrison" I smiled as we got back to everyone else

The moment I was close enough, Sienna started to push herself off of Tanya trying to get to me
"Where is he?" Daniel asked looking at me confused
"Who?" Tanya asked making me look back at Daniel with a shake of my head
"Nobody" I said before turning to my daughter to see her toothy grin looking back at me 

I've spent the last 5 years protecting both Harrison and now Sienna from everything. I was not about to bring them back into the line of fire
If I had been given a choice, I would have chosen James. God I would have chosen him a million times over but that wasn't a choice
I'll never forgive myself for what he missed out on.. I'll never forgive myself for how things ended.. But at the end of the day I know that deep down it wasn't my fault, I didn't get a choice
I got a threat..

"Hey sweetheart, why don't we take Sienna to the gardens?" Tanya asked Harrison who looked at me with pure joy in his eyes
"Can we Mum? She'll love all the flowers!" He said looking at me like his life depended on it
I nodded before watching the three of them rush off outside leaving Daniel and I here alone

"So. Where is he Riley?" Daniel asked but I shook my head
"We both know that he couldn't come with Daniel. Don't start with me" I said pouring myself a cup of coffee
"He came to you after 5 years of thinking you were dead Riley. Why the hell could he not come with you?" Daniel asked

"Because Daniel! The reason I'm in this situation, the reason I am here! Is because of him.." i said whispering the ending
"James needs someone better, someone that isn't going to cause something like this" I explained
"bringing him along only makes him think there is a chance of us going back to how we were" I answered

"You're going to neglect yourself from the one person you've been pining for these last 5 years. The one person you call for the moment you wake from a nightmare?" Daniel asked
"You're going to let that walk away again?" He said and I sighed nodding

"If that is what it takes to keep the kids safe, then yes" Was all I said before walking away leaving the question behind me 

--

Later in the evening, I took the kids back to our flat. Sienna was happily in bed but Harrison being the cautious little boy I know and love wouldn't settle
This often happens when he gets stuck in his head that something is wrong, that something is going on
He has the same need James did when it came to protecting people. 
Harrison would do anything he could to protect both Sienna and I. That much I do know

"Mum, can I ask you something?" Harrison asked as he sat in front of the coffee table with his colouring book. I try not to force him into anything, if he wasn't ready for bed then that's his choice. It's the weekend anyway
"Of course sweetheart" I smiled making him put down his crayons before turning back to me

"Did my Dad do something to hurt you? Like Sienna's did?" He asked making me close my eyes taking a deep breath in
"No baby" I said 
"Then why can't he come here. Why isn't here to protect us all" He continued to ask

Harrison has always been curious about James, but what child wouldn't be. I can pretty much guarantee that Sienna will be the same eventually

"Come here" I said patting to the spot on my lap, Harrison grew out of being cuddling the moment that Sienna started to spit up on him but he still has his moments
He took a seat on my lap laying his head on my shoulder

"Your Dad will forever be the one person that I could never fault, he loved me with his entire heart just like you do. I will always love your Dad and wish nothing more then the chance for him to be here" I explained
"But sometimes when you love someone so much you need to let them go?" Harrison asked making me sigh with a nod

"Does that mean if you love Sienna and I too much we'll have to go too?" He asked making a tear fall from my eyes again which he quickly wiped away
"I can't promise you a lot Harrison, but the one thing I can promise you is that you and Sienna will not be going anywhere" I said placing my head on top of his

"I love you Mummy" He whispered wrapping his arms around me
"But you need to let someone love you back. It's not fair on you" He whispered to quietly I don't think he intended on me hearing..

"I love you too baby" I said kissing the top of his head trying to cover a shaky breath 

This was not the life I wanted for either of them...