The Ghost Of You

Chapter Twenty Eight

Riley

I was getting careless and I know I shouldn't be this close. I know I should listen to Paul and get as far away as I could possibly get but I physically can't 
My children mean everything to me and these last 2 years without them have been the worst pain I've ever felt 
Harrison has started school and I couldn't be more prouder of him. He's truly come out of his shell..
Sienna, my god, my baby isn't a baby anymore. She's a little girl one who is so beautiful and so perfect

Both of them are healthy, they are happy. James is doing a perfect job just like I knew he would. But I can't help but wish that things were different 

Would things be different if I had never gotten into that accident, if James was never called to the hospital. If I wasn't clumsy enough to let him follow my home, if he never met the kids 
Would I still be with them both now?

I'm not blaming James at all, I'm blaming myself 
How did I end up in this situation..

"Sienna, you can't have Chocolate and Vanilla! You only get one scoop" I heard a voice said making me turn to see Sienna, Harrison and James across the road 
I had moved slightly knowing that they wouldn't see me from where I was.. But i was close enough to hear the exchange
"Daddy, can I get two scoops?" Sienna said making me smile knowing she had such a sweet bond with James even if she wasn't technically his by blood 
"Dad don't even think about it" Harrison warned making James chuckle

"I think after the week we've all had we all deserve two scoops" James said making me furrow my brows at his choice of wording 

Before I know it, they had walked into the same Diner James and I used to spend most of our time while we were teenagers

"They are cute kids Riley" A voice said making me instantly close my eyes, that was the same voice that had haunted me 7 years ago.. For the last 2 years he's been around more almost like he's watching my every move
"I'm not going near them, please just leave me be" I pleaded but that wasn't what he had wanted
"I warned you to get out of here and to never come back, but 2 years later you are still in this shitty city. It's only a matter of time before they catch on to you and find you" He warned 

"And if that happens you can say goodbye to all three of them, that's a promise" He said narrowing his eyes at me before pushing past me and leaving 

All I want is to be able to walk into that diner right now and hug my children, to kiss James, to beg for all of their forgiveness. To hope that they'll still want me around if I ever get to come back 
I want to be a family, I want to be loved, better yet I want to love them and show them that I do 
I don't want to be a passing thought, a ghost in their past. I don't want to be missing but I've already missed so much.. 

What if I can't come back from this..

--

Over the last 2 years, I've had a lot to think about. I've worried just like I usually do. I've blamed myself for a countless amount of things but one thing I can't understand is how this all happened 
What did I do to Paul to make him hate me this much
All I ever did for James was try to push him to better himself, I thought I was helping him but all I've ended up doing is isolating myself to the point of I no longer have control over my life 

Since I've been gone, there are multiple things I've kept to remind me of the kids, to remind me of everything 
I have the same bag from the time that Sienna was born. It's still full of so much pointless things that never really had a place, Sienna's dummy, Harrison's cars, some old baby wipes 
The deeper I dug into this bag, the more I couldn't help but find more peculiar things 

I picked up a small white disk frowning it not knowing what the hell it was. It pushed like it was  a button but nothing ever happened with it?
Maybe it was one of Harrison's fidget toys from that phase he had
Regardless I threw it back into the bag with everything else 

That bag is starting to become my ongoing time capsule but right now it's all I have 

I don't have anyone here, I couldn't. Everyone in the city links back to James or the kids one way or another or at least it felt that way
I couldn't call our friends without them knowing
I couldn't call my family without them knowing
I couldn't roam the streets freely without the fear of bumping into them 

I've been stupid to stay here, like Paul said it's only a matter of time before they find me and then what? 

Am I supposed to say to their faces that I can't be with them? 

Am I supposed to turn my children away while they stand their wanting their Mum?

Will they even want me anymore?

Have they all given up looking? Are they just getting on with their lives like I don't exist? 

I couldn't blame them if they are.. But I really hope that haven't given up on me yet..