𝐀 𝐏𝐀𝐆𝐄 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐘𝐎𝐔 ━━ 𝗟𝗢𝗢𝗞𝗜𝗦𝗠 | ✓

05

❝ 𝙄'𝙑𝙀 𝙂𝙊𝙏𝙏𝘼 𝙂𝙀𝙏 𝘼𝙒𝘼𝙔 𝘼𝙉𝘿 𝙇𝙀𝙏 𝙔𝙊𝙐 𝙂𝙊, 𝙄'𝙑𝙀 𝙂𝙊𝙏𝙏𝘼 𝙂𝙀𝙏 𝙊𝙑𝙀𝙍 ❞

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ ♡︎♡︎♡︎
TODAY WAS EXHAUSTING. Really, extremely, very, entirely, absolutely exhausting. I don't know why my energy these days are slowly going down the drain and I'm beginning to be less grumpy and happy but more sad and numb. It's like something is literally sucking the life out of me.

It's been days since this started. Probably even weeks. I don't even remember when was the last time I felt a burst of happiness that wasn't just for a split second. Everyday seems to be less exciting for me. Not even my trips with Gun to wherever he wants is making me happy. I just feel so damn sad but why??

And I've been coughing too much these days, my throat is getting itchier as days pass by and not even medicine could make it go away. I tried to drink less cold water and eat less sweets but it's still there, I don't even yell so how come my throat hurts like there's something scratching inside it?

Everytime I cough it feels like there's something inside me that wants to get out but it can't, like it's stuck in my throat, scratching and tearing it apart. Like thorns or something. I swear to God, I hate it so much.

I cough at the most inconvenient times as well. It's so fucking annoying.

Like when I was just peacefully writing in my notebook and I got a glimpse of Gun's new designer clothes, I suddenly had a coughing fit and wouldn't stop until I was told to get out of class since I was disturbing the others. God, it was so embarrassing but the coughing WOULDN'T FUCKING STOP.

Then I had a fit again while Gun and I were eating together at lunch. No matter how hard he smacked my back nor how much I tried to suppress it, I still kept coughing. It hurt at that point since it felt like I was going to cough blood at any second. It stings whenever I try to inhale and the more I try to suppress it, the more it felt like I'm going to die.

Then after that, I began to cough again while Gun was walking me home. At that point, he made me sit down on a bench and told me he'd bring me to a doctor but I kept refusing and rejecting since I didn't want to stay out too long and I didn't wanna be a burden to him. I'm probably already annoying enough as I am.

Coughing hurts so much and I just want to cry whenever it starts. My parents are worried that I might be sick, especially since the colder season is drawing closer, which means I'd probably suffer even more with my shit throat and coughing problems.

I've probably said coughing so many times that it could be a world record. But whatever.

I just realized that I faintly smell like Gun now. His strong ass perfume rubbed off on me so much whenever we're together that it's become part of me now. I guess I've got no choice but to accept it, I don't mind anyway since I like it and it smells nice. Whenever I smell it, I feel more relaxed and comfortable.

It's like feeling a warm hug from Gun. Except Gun has never hugged me and I just use my imagination a lot. He's probably not the hugger type, and I don't think he's that huggable. He'd probably be the type to just pat someone's back or their head as a sign that he acknowledges them. Or maybe even just nodding his head at them. I don't know. He's a very stiff and cold guy. He's like a brick wall and a walking, breathing stick all in one. You can't get much out of him unless you force it out, but that wouldn't do much.

Sometimes I don't know if Gun actually sees me as a friend and not just as a pet he can bring around because I'm not the type to oppose much unless it's really against my morals. Like yeah he'd buy or get me stuff like stuffed toys and bracelets, he'd walk me home everyday and eat lunch with me quietly, but I still don't know if he views me as someone valuable to him or someone worthy of his friendship.

Gun makes me question a lot of things and sometimes I don't like it.

He doesn't smile. He doesn't laugh. He doesn't talk much except for the occasional sentences he'd say just to keep me talking. He doesn't express much emotion besides distaste towards certain things or the small hidden smirk over a fight we'd watch on his phone.

Does Gun see me as a friend?? Am I his friend??

I mean. I could ask him?? But what good would that do except pressuring the both of us (probably only me) into thinking that there's something between us??

Man, I just wanna know if what we have is mutual and not just a one side thing. I can't live my life knowing the man I call my best friend (is that too much??????? Hopefully not) doesn't actually see me as his best friend too. Maybe not even a friend.

Okay I'm getting hurt over my own thoughts. This is self torture. Probably why I'm so sad lately. I probably need to stop doing this.

Fuck. I'm crying again. I don't like this. Why did I even start thinking about this? Damn it.

If Gun doesn't value me as his friend then I'm going to cry harder. I'm gonna go text him.

Okay, bye bye.

Oh, and my day was a 7/10. I still kept it high up since at least I tried to be cheerful with Gun.

Fuck, I keep mentioning Gun. Damn bastard.

Okay, bye bye again.