𝐀 𝐏𝐀𝐆𝐄 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐘𝐎𝐔 ━━ 𝗟𝗢𝗢𝗞𝗜𝗦𝗠 | ✓

07

❝ 𝙄 𝙇𝙊𝙑𝙀 𝙔𝙊𝙐 𝙎𝙊 ❞

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ ♡︎♡︎♡︎
MY CONDITIONS WORSENED. Surprising, isn't it? What an awful twist in my life. I thought I was getting better since I've stopped coughing but then the day after I was admitted, it's like my body collapsed on me. I was just trying to walk to the bathroom when I suddenly broke down into a coughing fit, blood was coming out of my at an alarming rate and I felt so weak.

I couldn't move, I just lay on the floor with blood covering me. My nurse found me and she panicked but I didn't know why. Well, I guess it's because of all the blood and a patient being on the floor. But shouldn't she be used to this and act quickly instead of gasping, covering her mouth, be scared while looking at me for more than a second long??

Why did she look as if she saw a dead body for the first time?? I'm confused.

My cousin has been taking care of me while my parents are trying to book a flight back to Seoul.

It's been a week and two days and they're still not back, I'm starting to get worried because what if they get stranded longer there? What if my conditions get even worse and they're not here to see me? Or I won't get to see them?? I'm worried. I'm worried for myself, for my parents, for my academics, and for Gun.

My head is aching as I write all of this. The urge to cough again is rising and I'm afraid I'm too weak to suppress it.

Gun visited me earlier, he got me a small bouquet of flowers, meat buns, and he brought me Octopussy. I'm wondering how he got it since my cousin was the only one at home. I told Goo not to let anyone in, even if they said they were my friend. Because really, Gun was my only friend, I don't think he has a reason to go to my house when I'm in the hospital.

I also had a small conversation with Gun. Well, I don't know if I should call it small since the topic was pretty heavy and we talked long enough until he was called for work. To guard Crystal, probably. I still don't like that girl but she visited me the other day too. She apologized about the thingy when we first met and got me an octopus keychain. She said Gun told her I liked octopuses.

About my conversation with Gun, the topic was something I was trying to avoid talking about with myself. It's about liking someone. Just generally about a person liking another. And I asked Gun a couple of questions.

Here was how the conversation went earlier.

While Gun was setting down the food and flowers he got on the table beside me, I was already mustering up the courage to start a conversation with him. I was trying to phrase my question correctly in my head and before I knew it, I asked him already.

"Gun, what's your opinion on someone liking someone of the same sex?" I asked, and in that moment I wanted to bury myself for realizing I've asked that silly question. But Gun entertained it by answering it, it was a serious answer too. I think.

"Some people don't base their liking on a person's gender. Usually, they would go for the personality, how they think, how they care for them, or how they give them attention. I don't care if a man loves a man or if a woman loves a woman. It's not my place to judge whether or not they're worthy to love each other."

And then he looked at me after saying all that, he walked towards my bed and fixed the blanket on me, then continued on what he was saying. I wasn't expecting for him to give a long answer. I wasn't expecting him to answer at all. I thought he'd brush it off and just leave.

"If you're going to tell me that you like someone as the same gender as you, I don't mind. You shouldn't care how others perceive you just because of who you like. That's not their place and you're not supposed to give them power over you like that. You're free to love who you want to love, no matter the environment or the people."

Then I had to look at him, because I felt my chest constrict. But not in the way as if I'm about to cough, or as if it hurts to breathe. My heart hurt in a way that meant I took what everything he said to heart.

Gun was right. I shouldn't care about what others would say if I liked a guy. That's not their place. They shouldn't give a shit about someone else's love life. But then I realized that I like Gun. What Gun would say about me liking him is different than what others would. How am I supposed to tell him that? Well, I'm not going to tell him. I never will.

"But what would you do if someone of the same gender likes you?" I asked, and I was expecting him to be put off, to find it weird, to look at me weirdly.

But that's not what I got. Gun gave me the softest smile I've ever seen. Probably the only time I've ever actually seen him smile. And he was looking at me.

"I'd be honoured, because it means someone is capable of loving a person like me." He said.

"It means someone looked past all my flaws despite it being unending and loved me underneath all the horrid things I've done. I'd be happy to know that someone loves me. I'd be happy to know that someone sees me as worthy of their love. Something as pure as that can only be given to those that are just as pure."

I wanted to say something. I wanted to say that I love him. I wanted to say that I see him as worthy of my love. I wanted to say that I can always love him, no matter his pureness or his callousness.

But I didn't. I couldn't. I shouldn't.

Amidst my cowardly pit of despair, I told him something I don't know if it made my situation worse or his situation worse.

"There's always someone loving someone, maybe you don't know who they are, maybe they're not someone you're meant to know, but there is someone. Everyone has a person that loves them."

And that was the end of our conversation. He didn't leave just yet after that, he stayed for a little longer and we talked about school, what I've missed on, and other small things. I was happy to have that kind of conversation with him, even if it meant I felt even more confused with how I'm supposed to feel. It's not a breath of fresh air but it was like smelling lavender and lemon for the first time. I liked it. And I know I like him, I just don't think I'll ever be someone for him.

I don't think I'll ever have the courage to tell Gun that I'll love him at his purest and darkest forms, I'll just have to keep it to myself until it eventually leaves. Or maybe it won't. I'll never understand how love works.