After the storm [Finished]

20- You deserve better but...

The next morning, I woke up early and since I didn't have anything to do until lunch, I stayed in bed.

I was checking Instagram when some stories from Philip popped out. There was Ryan kissing a blonde guy I didn't know. It was a story from last night. I felt bad, really bad. It was a mixture of jealousy and sadness. But I couldn't say a thing because we were merely friends if we were even friends. I wanted to cry but I felt that I wasn't even allowed to.

I stayed in bed until midday, I decided that it was time to talk things out with Ryan and cut everything between us. I was thinking about what I should say when I heard the apartment door being opened. I got up right away and stepped out of the room.

"Ryan-". He walked straight to me and kissed me on the lips.

"I'm sorry". He hugged me so tight it hurt a bit. "I'm sorry", he repeated.

"What are you apologizing for?", I was blank. Still, I felt the cigarette and alcohol smell in his clothes.

"I think we should talk". He let me go. I stared at him and he gave me a guilty look.

"Yeah, let's talk".

We were sitting on the couch in silence, I was hugging my knees while Ryan was crossed-legged on it. There was a heavy silence that neither of us wanted to break, we continued like that for some minutes until he sighed and finally talked.

"Last time, when I told you about Alex and you cried, I was deeply moved". He started. "I haven't been able to cry his death since the day everything happened. I feel that you saw through me and you cried for me".

"The look on your face while you talked, it was heartbreaking. It may have not shown clearly on your face, but your eyes... you looked like you were in a lot of pain".

"I bet I was for you to cry like that". He giggled. "That's why I thanked you, I felt a lot lighter after that but I had a lot of other things to think about".

"Like what?"

"Like... if I want to be with someone new, if I'm ready for that. I also needed to order my ideas and clear my mind. I also needed to confirm my feelings... towards you".

"Is that the reason why you went out yesterday?" I looked at him and he averted my gaze.

"Yeah. That's the reason I apologized now too. It was stupid of me but I didn't know what else to do".

"So... after thinking and checking, what's the answer? I think you already know how I feel. I told you back at the hotel".

"Yeah, and sorry for not answering you at that moment, but I didn't know how I felt. After Alex, I never felt happy to wake up with someone until you; I want to be with you but...".

"But?"

"I don't know how to love someone. I have always wanted to fall in love but I experienced so many things with Alex, I learned to love so wrongly, that I fear I'll harm you".

"It's just an idea but you may have been like that because he was around and acted like that towards you. That doesn't strictly mean that you're that way".

"Do you wanna take the risk?". He hooked my index finger with his.

"I will take it". He giggled covering his smile with his free hand, his eyes were smiling too.

I felt relieved. I had planned to take some distance from him but if he wanted to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him... that was a different story.

Suddenly, I felt shy. Since he was sitting next to me, I grabbed his hand and rested my head on the crook of his neck. Closing my eyes, I could feel a weak hint of perfume still lingering on Ryan's skin. It made me feel stupidly happy.

"Ryan, let me go. It's getting late". It was 1 pm and I had to rush to a photo shoot.

"Are you going to be done for dinner?"

"Probably".

"Tell me when you are done. I have a photoshoot later too. Maybe we can eat out".

"Ok. Let me go now, I can't be late". I kissed him on the cheek and jumped out of bed. I got in the shower and was ready in 10 minutes. Ryan was still on my bed when I stepped out of the bathroom. "See you later".

"Please, call me!". He winked at me. I left the apartment laughing.