After the storm [Finished]

46- Full plate (Part 2)

The next morning, I woke up feeling cold. I reached my arm out to hug Ryan but I didn't find him. My eyes opened slowly, and yes, he wasn't there. I took my phone from under the pillow and watch the time: 07.50 am; I woke up 5 minutes before my set alarm. I went to the shower, quickly dressed up, and went to the kitchen for a cup of coffee before leaving for work. But there were no signs of Ryan, which was rare because he didn't have work that morning. Did he go to the gym that early?

I was standing in the middle of the kitchen waiting for my coffee to be ready.

"Ah, maybe he's in his room". I mumbled, and quickly shifted over. I knocked. "Ryan?" No answer. "Are you awake?" I insisted, but he didn't reply. I adventured to open the door, it was unlocked.

Ryan was lying on his bed. I sat next to him; he was sleeping deeply but didn't seem to be having a nice dream. I covered him up and combed his hair for a while, his expression gradually softened.

"I'm leaving", I whispered, "See you at lunch". I kissed his cheek and stepped outside.

I poured my coffee to go and rushed out of the apartment.

I texted Ryan telling him to wait for me for lunch, and that I was going to be back around 2 pm; then, called Christy to tell her that I was on my way to the agency. Fortunately, she got her car repaired a few weeks ago so I didn't have to pick her up; that saved me a lot of time.

Like every Monday morning, I got stuck in traffic for quite a while, but I expected to be so left home earlier. I was listening to a podcast killing some time when I got an incoming call from an unknown number.

"Hello?" I picked up.

"Hi, Alexa?"

"It's her. Who am I talking with?"

"It's Josh, Josh Pavot". Who? "We met back in Christmas with Ryan, the guy of the gallery".

"Oh, Josh! How are you?"

"Great, great. Hey, are you busy?"

"Hm..." The traffic was still slow. "Not really".

"I have an offer for you, would you lend me some of your time?"

Josh and I keep talking for about forty minutes. When we were done, I was almost at the agency already. He called me with such a good offer; if I accepted, it would be a plus for my career as an artist. But there were big decisions to make too... I had had some thoughts for a couple of months that kept me bothered but there were decisions too difficult to take so I had been avoiding them.

The morning went by quickly and I just wanted to go home and spend quality time with Ryan. I'd been just a couple of hours outside and I was already drained.

I had some issues around with some models of the same agency, they somehow knew that I got in there because of Christy and they weren't too happy about it since the castings were meaningless at that point, and they felt it was unfair. I don't blame them though; I would have felt the same. But it was hard to move around knowing the gossip and the rumors they had spread in the company. I just ignored them at the beginning but the atmosphere felt denser and denser as time passed by.

So, I was going back drained, down, and frustrated. I just wanted a hug from Ryan and chat a little bit to distract from everything but he didn't reply to my messages and calls. When I got home, he wasn't there either. He didn't leave a note on my door as he usually did when was going out offhand and was going to be busy.

At first, I thought he just had gone out in a rush and forgotten about the memo and was working or busy with something so he couldn't answer me. But at noon I had no news from him yet. Then at 8 pm, I was more worried. And to finish it all, his phone got out of signal for a while just to sound as if it was off.

I texted Jan, I texted Philip, and I called Louis; I managed to get Ryan's manager's number and asked him if he had any shoot that day. He told me he had a small shoot after lunch but didn't seem well; he had a hard time focusing. I got more worried.

I sat in the living room with a blanket the whole night waiting for Ryan, calling him every twenty minutes, trying luck, but he wouldn't pick up. My mind was not helping at all, I could only imagine that something bad might have happened.

At 4 am, I was about to collapse due to anxiety. I was telling myself that if Ryan wasn't home at 6 am, I was going to go to the police to report him missing when the front door opened. It was him.

"Hey, why are you up this late?" He asked closing the door behind him, his eyes were a bit swollen.

"I've been trying to contact you the whole freaking day".

"Ah, my phone is dead. I wasn't carrying the charger". He sat next to me looking really tired, something happened. I did my best to not yell at him and try to understand what was going on.

"Where were you? You got me worried".

"I'm sorry. I just... needed some time alone. I went to Delaware to think and clear my mind". He rested his head on my shoulder.

"Water Gap?" He nodded. "What's bothering you?"

"It's not easy to talk about it". He sighed and I had my gut.

"Is it related to Alex?" I asked. Ryan kept silent for a moment before answering.

"Yeah". He kept it short.

"You are trapped in there Ryan, let it go". I said those words without much thinking, but I have kept them inside me for a long time.

"I can't. I have to face the consequences of what I did and did not". I could feel his distress. "It's just that the backpack feels too heavy sometimes". I couldn't see his face clearly, but it sounded like he was about to cry. I just swallowed everything I wanted to say and hugged him.

The next morning, I put tons of concealer on my eyebags. I couldn't sleep at all, I kept thinking and thinking. Things were getting too hard and we were not moving on at all, I just could see two options at that point and I liked neither of them.

Ryan spent the whole day lying in bed. I had a meeting with Christy that afternoon and then met Kayla to talk things out. It was a decisive moment and I had to step out and do what I had to do.

The following day, everything seemed back to normal when I went to work. Sadly, I had a shitty morning and ended up just like on Monday. When I was back home, Ryan was back in his own world, regretting not being able to help Alex in his teenage days.

Looking at how tired I was because of my own problems, and looking at Ryan fighting the ghosts left by years of a toxic relationship with Alex and his guilt, I realized that I wasn't able to help him nor he was able to help me.

I was fighting myself to eat again, trying to get some confidence and go big in what I loved to do, trying to build up the self-esteem crushed by Mike. Ryan was fighting the guilt he felt from not seeing that Alex was so mentally broken, he also was trying to learn to love again and unlearn the bad patterns he took by dating Alex, which I highly appreciated but I was aware of how difficult it could be. Neither of us was in the condition to support the other even though we wished for it. We could try, of course, but I fear one of us would end up worn out because of the pressure it meant.

"Ryan, lunch is ready". I announced. He got up lazily and dragged himself to the kitchen.

As I said, Ryan was trapped, and I was being caught with him too.

"I know it's not the best timing, I'm sorry, but I have something important to say". Ryan nodded without even looking at me, he was playing with a piece of broccoli. I sighed.

I still don't know if that was the best choice, but it was the only way to help myself at that moment. It might sound selfish, but if I couldn't help myself, I was not going to be able to help Ryan either.

"Let's break up".