MCYT angst oneshots

Grief

Wilbur
- suicide
- death

(Small continuation of Salvaging Family)

"When is it supposed to get easier? You said it would, but... it's been a really long time now," Wilbur whispered, staring at the smooth stone that marked his brother's grave. It had been years since Techno's death and he couldn't help but feel guilty. Maybe if he hadn't fought him so much, he wouldn't have taken his life. Perhaps things would've gotten better had he been kinder, more gracious. Had he paid more attention to Techno's feelings.

Tommy was doing much better these days. He began streaming again a few months after the funeral and has been seeing a therapist regularly. It was nice to see him happy. It had been a long time since he'd had any form of relief. Of course Wilbur felt jealous of him, but there was nothing to be done about that. It was Wilbur's fault he was still like this anyway. Phil offered to get him help, but he declined. He liked things the way they were. This was the way it was supposed to be.

So why did it feel so wrong?

He hated himself more than anything in the world. Hell, he was about to be 20 years old and had done absolutely nothing with his life! He spent his days mostly just waiting for nighttime to come so that he could simply sleep the pain away. Living was pointless. He was really only still here because he didn't want to hurt Tommy again. Tommy didn't deserve to lose the last fragment of his family. He deserved better.

Wilbur sighed and pushed the thoughts away. The stone seemed to be staring right back at him. It was almost like a taunt. It knew that Wilbur was at fault for Techno's death, and it made it clear.

"God... now I'm even personifying stones..." Wilbur groaned, shaking his head and turning away. It was probably about time for him to head home, considering how late it was. Tommy was probably worried about him by now. He didn't like Wilbur taking off like this. It reminded him too much of Techno.

Wilbur kicked a rock as he walked so that he wouldn't have to think about anything anymore. Pushing his feelings down was always easier than actually dealing with them. It made life a little bit more bearable.

Wilbur stepped into his house, ignoring Tommy's attempt at conversation. He walked up to his room, hesitating at his doorway. He cast a glance at the shut door beside him. Before now, he hadn't dated go inside there. He wasn't sure he was ready for the feelings that would surface in that room. Was he ready now? He should be. Tommy had been ready a long time ago, and he was just a child, for fucks sake!

Wilbur carefully stepped back and closed his bedroom door. One shaking hand lifted up and touched the cool doorknob belonging to Techno's room. He took a deep breath and turned it, causing the door to open.

The room itself was nothing special, really. Everything was nice and tidy, just as Techno had left it. It was so cold and devoid of life now. Like it could have belonged to anyone.

Wilbur shut the door behind himself as he walked further into the room. On Techno's desk laid the notes he'd left his family the night he died. Wilbur read his once more and shuddered. The note felt wrong, like someone entirely different had written it. Like it wasn't even addressed to him. Wilbur turned the paper over in his hands, just to check the name on the front. Sure enough, his name was spelled out perfectly. He ran his fingers over the letters. Techno's handwriting was usually very nice and clean, but here it was little more than a scribble. He had clearly been in a rush.

Wilbur sat down in Techno's chair, recalling the events of that night. It had happened so suddenly. Everyone was so scared and confused. Phil thought he was starting to get through to Techno, but clearly he wasn't. This just wasn't like him. So unmethodical. Maybe, just maybe... if someone had seen Techno just before, if they'd comforted him in the way that he needed, he wouldn't have gone through with it. He would've seen how impulsive he was being.

"I should've been there..." Wilbur whispered. He clamped a hand over his mouth to stifle the sobs that now erupted from him. Why was he such a bad person? Why couldn't he just be better? Techno would be so disappointed in him.

Wilbur curled into himself as the sobs grew louder and his body began to shake. He sloppily fell out of the chair and crawled over to Techno's bed, pulling the bedding apart. He hoisted himself up onto the bed and wrapped himself in the blankets. It still smelled like him, even after all these years. He continued to cry, now not even trying to be quiet. It wasn't worth the effort.

Someone knocked on Wilbur's door. He looked that way anxiously as someone, probably Phil, entered his room. He started searching for Wilbur but seemed unable to find him.

"Wilbur?" Phil's muffled voice said. He walked out and paused for a moment before walking over to Techno's room. He knocked. Wilbur just cried louder.

"Wilbur? Can I come in?"

"G-go ahead... not even my-my room anyway."

Phil entered gingerly, setting his eyes on the shaking pile on blankets on the corner of Techno's bed. He walked towards it.

"Hey Wil... do you want to talk about it?"

Wilbur popped his head out from under the blankets. He knew he must look awful, but Phil didn't seem to mind. He simply sat down next to Wilbur and smiled warmly.

"Can I touch you?"

"P-please..."

Phil began rubbing circles on Wilbur's back. Wilbur leaned into the much needed touch and allowed his head to rest on Phil's chest. He took a shaky breath as he tried to compile the thoughts in his head into coherent sentences.

"I miss him. I miss him... so much. I w-want him to be here," he forced out.

"I know, I do too."

"Sometimes I think he was... selfish for leaving us all alone here. Is that terrible?"

"No, no, Wil, it's normal to feel that way. You're just learning to cope with it, that's all."

"I wish I could go with him. I wish... that I was dead too."

"I'm so sorry Wilbur, I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. But please don't go. We can get through this." Phil hesitantly replied, eyes beginning to well up with tears.

"What if we don't?"

"I won't let that happen."

Wilbur nodded slowly.

"I think I want to be alone now."

"I'm sorry, Wil, but I can't just leave you alone after you said you wanted to kill yourself. It's not safe."

Wilbur pushed himself off of Phil. He understood where Phil was coming from, but that didn't mean he had to like it. This was why he had never told anyone how he felt. He didn't want to be treated like glass. Tears started to stream down his face once more. He pulled his knees up to his chest and lowered his head. Phil just sighed.

"We'll get there one day..."

"Together."