MCYT angst oneshots

Thinking

Tommy
- suicidal thoughts
- self harm
- disordered eating

(Just a collection of thoughts)

We don't talk about it these days.

It weighs on everyone but nobody dares to say a thing. To speak about it would be to admit that it happened at all, and I'm just not prepared for that. We're not prepared for that.

That doesn't stop it, of course. It keeps getting worse. That's what happens when you try to ignore your problems. They fester.

I'm trying not to think about it. I try to focus on the basic things. Sleep, work, bathe. I know how to do these things. I stick to what I know. I won't think about it.

I forgot to take dinner out of the oven. Now it's burnt, ruined. Oh well. I didn't need to eat anyway.

Something tells me to try harder. There's an unopened email sitting in my inbox about the therapy appointment I had scheduled months ago, but missed. I think about opening it but it really just hurts too much.

I wonder who would notice if I let myself fall, like I want to. To allow myself to get as sick as humanly possible. It's a sick obsession I have, one that always calls my name. One that is tearing me apart. I'm afraid of what might happen if I let myself let go. I'm afraid I'll do something terrible.

I don't trust myself anymore. I don't allow myself to be alone with my thoughts for too long. Thinking is my worst trait. I never want to think again.

My plate of dinner still sits in front of me, cold now. I did intend on eating it, but it suddenly felt like too much. Just looking at it makes me feel ill. I can't remember the last time I had a full meal.

I hate the way they look at me. Like I'm fragile. They're afraid of me, yet they will do nothing about it.

Can't anyone actually see me? Is someone going to help? I don't want to beg. I just don't know how to ask for help like a normal person.

Do normal people even ask for help?

I don't need help.

I dropped a glass and it shattered. They warned me to be careful. They said they would feel bad if I got hurt. I want to scream.

Apparently I haven't cut myself in a month. I'm not sure where the time went. It wasn't really intentional, getting clean. I thought being clean was supposed to make you feel better. I feel worse than ever before.

I would cut again but it's not worth the effort.

Why am I so sad all the time?

I'm not going to kill myself. I can't kill myself. My room isn't clean. I couldn't leave knowing that it was dirty. I'm not going to kill myself.

I wonder what happens when you die. I hope it's just nothing. I hope there is no heaven. I do not want to live forever. I do not even want to live right now.

Fuzzy, fuzzy, fuzzy. Am I even here right now? I get the feeling that I'm not real. That must be why no one is helping me. I do not exist.

I need to do everything perfectly. I need affirmation. I need to be of service to people. If I can't help people, what's the point in continuing?

I sleep too much these days. I'm so tired all the time. Every time I wake up I wish I hadn't.

I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.

Is death always painful?

I'm so cold. I'm all bundled up but I'm still freezing. It doesn't matter what I do.

I am a failure. I cannot do anything right. I'm a disappointment. Nobody wants me. Nobody needs me.

Why didn't I kill myself when I had the chance?

I'm not going to kill myself. There's no point. Who says suffering ends in death anyway? Maybe we're all doomed to suffer forever.

Please stop looking at me. Your silence is killing me, don't you see? I can't go on like this.

I'm nothing. There is nothing left of me.

I need a hobby.

Please, please, please. I need you.

I am not good enough. I never have been. My best is not even the bare minimum.

I am so scared.

I have to eat something. My head hurts. My body feels heavy. My blood sugar must be low. Feed me.

I need someone to take care of me. I need someone to love me. Why doesn't anyone love me? I miss my mom. No. I miss who I thought she was.

I wish I was a child again. Then someone would have to love me, right?

Nobody loved me when I was a kid.

Why am I still here?

It hurts.

Maybe I'm not a human being. Maybe I'm something else entirely. Maybe there are other people like me. Maybe I am not alone. Maybe there's not anything wrong with me at all.

I am so stupid.

I need to stop thinking. I need to turn off my brain.

Someone. Anyone. Say something. Please.

You're just going to let me rot?

I guess I deserve this for being such a terrible person. I am so mean. When did I get so mean?

I want to disappear. Hop on a train, uproot my life. Never come back. I want to run. When has running ever solved my problems? I can't stop running.

I wish I could sleep forever.

I'm not going to kill myself.

I'm not going to kill myself.

I'm not going to kill myself.

I'm not going to kill myself.

I'm going to kill myself.