The French Formula (LSD, #3)

10. Beat It

Beat It

"Ladies and gentlemen. Mesdames et Messieurs. Meine Damen und Herren. Welcome back to the European Games. Tonight we have something special, something you've never seen before. When you watch sports, you see skinny athletes; when you watch a film, you see skinny actors; when you watch advertisements, you see skinny happy people; and when you watch the news, you see skinny Africans dying of hunger. Is nobody interested in the world's 2,2 billion heavyweights? Does nobody respect the biggest 30% market share on this planet? Who entertains the most faithful supporters of our consumption economy? At the European Games, we love big people. For us, it's the consumer who counts. When that consumer is twice as heavy, for us, she counts double.

» We are proud to present you the best athleats of Europe, who will compeat in the heaviest compeatition of the world: the All You Can Eat Contest of the First European Games!"

Operah Skinfree (the famous American talk-show host, contracted to present tonight's show, and a BIG woman too) drops a professional break and receives applause from the stands.

She continues: "All the athleats are in perfect shape, round, and prepared to fight for the medals tonight, here on the romantic terrace of restaurant La Grande Bouffe in Brest. During the game, we'll have unique live interviews with the compeatitors, and that's not all, ladies and gentlemen, because we have another unique element here: our athleats are also the jury of tonight's other game, the Best Pizza Ever Contest. I'll explain to you how it works.

» In the kitchen of restaurant La Grande Bouffe, we have the best pizza oven in the world, the Pavarotti 2000, which you can order during this show with a 10% discount, by calling the number at the bottom of your TV screen. Our 50 cooking candidates, one from each country, prepare and bake their favourite pizzas. The athleats of the eating contest vote and decide the winner. The three best cooks get their medals, but also the honour of being published: for an entire year, their creations appear on the menu of Pizza Slut, the world's biggest and fastest supplier of fast food, and also the official sponsor of this delicious event.

» Pizza Slut is the employer of the boys and girls who serve the meals to our guests tonight, here at the romantic terrace of restaurant La Grande Bouffe. Thanks to their cooperation, you can experience an extra dimension to our show like nobody in the world has ever experienced before: call the number on top of your TV screen, order your dinner for tonight at your local Pizza Slut and... you'll be the first consumer in Europe who can not only see and hear our show but also smell, touch and taste it. These European Games break every record, as you'll see, and hear, and feel, and taste, and most of all, smell...

» Here on the scene, we serve every pizza with a number. Only the computer knows which country prepared it. We cut each pizza into twelve equal points, and serve the next twelve athleats in line one slice each. To keep the All You Can Eat Contest as honest as possible, every pizza has about the same amount of calories. After finishing their slice, the athleats give between 0 and 3 points to the pizza. The average vote counts. The computer calculates the scores, which remain a secret until the Grand Finale of the All You Can Eat Contest. Of course, the guaranteed good health of our athleats is our most important goal; applause, please, for our medical staff..."

That's Doc and me. Doc smiles without joy at the camera; I hide my face behind sunglasses and a Pizza Slut cap.

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to welcome our athleats, in the following order of the Bet To Win bookmakers list of favourites. Our first candidate, 266 kilos, from a village on the coast, close to here, the favourite with a 1:3 bet, the competitor for France: René Albert, far more famous by his nickname... Obélix...