Real intimacy usually starts from afar

Episode 7. The Torture

I helped Carol up and took her to the trailer. I think she'd like to be alone, or certainly not in my company. At least not right now.

- Let your feelings out and then you'll be more likely to get rid of them.

I bumped into Daryl on my way out of the motorhome. He handed me my knife, which must have fallen out while I was holding Carol. I just nodded at him, and he nodded back at me. He was more worried about Carol than the others. They seemed to have some kind of special bond of their own. There was a peculiar bond between my brother and me, too, that no one understood but ourselves. I went back to the stable.

- Do you want us to start burying? - T-Dog asked.

- We should have a ceremony. Carol would like that. - Andrea said.

- We all want it. - T-Dog replied.

- Let's dig a grave for them. - I said. Since they want to bury them, we need to dig the places.

- We'll need a truck.

- I'll bring the car around. - Shane said and left.

- We bury the ones we love and burn the rest," Andrea said.

- Come on, let's get to work. - I took the shovels out of the stable and threw them to the others.

With the rest of them I went to dig the graves under the trees. It wasn't easy, but with a few pairs of hands we got through it quickly.

- I'll go get them. - I went back to the trailer again.

Daryl was still sitting at the entrance, with Carol next to him. How much grief and sadness could be contained in two such little specks that could be covered with one finger - in human eyes. Every change, even the most welcome, has its sadness in it, for what we part with is a part of ourselves. One must die to one life to enter another. Carol is a strong woman, she can handle anything.

- They're ready. Let's go.

- What for? - Carol asked, still in tears.

- Because it's your daughter. - Daryl's face was expressionless, and it was hard to know what he was feeling right now. He always did. But still, sometimes I could see something different in him. Beyond his control.

- This isn't my daughter. This is something else. My Sofia was alone in the woods. The whole time I was thinking... she didn't fall asleep crying, she didn't starve, she didn't try to find her way back. Sophia died a long time ago.

There are moments in everyone's life when, for them, it's as if the whole world collapses. This is called despair. The soul in that hour is full of shooting stars.

I just looked at Daryl and walked out, and he followed me. All the members of the group were already standing by the graves. Without further ado, we just stood there in silence. I don't know why I'm doing this. We are complete strangers to each other. But I think if I were this girl, they would do the same. And I should. Everyone went about their business. I helped Andrea load the walkers into the truck to burn. Shane took it from there. I went to the semblance of a water faucet to wash up when I heard footsteps from the woods. I picked up my knife and started searching for the source of the sound. Carol came out of the woods, covered in mud. I took her by the elbow and asked her:

- "How are you? Come here.

I helped her wash her hands of the blood and dirt. She probably wanted to be alone with her thoughts in the woods. But that's not a good idea now, she's in a difficult state, and the woods are full of walkers.

- I'm sorry about your girl.

- Thank you...

For another couple of minutes I helped her wash her hands of dirt and blood. I didn't ask what she was doing there, and then headed towards the tent. While everyone was busy with their own problems, I could finally get some sleep. I did my job. I threw off all my clothes and just collapsed on my sleeping bag. I didn't want to think about anything. Individual thoughts are like rays of light that are not as tiresome as the sheaves. But still one thought kept me busy. Every day I think about it and cannot find an answer to the question. Who are all these people to me? I help them and they help me. I am given food, clothing, weapons and a home. I keep in touch with them and so do they. Without knowing constancy, one fusses, creating setbacks, and being aware of constancy makes one receptive. Being receptive, on the other hand, leads to the ability to be fair. I didn't notice how I fell asleep. Strangely, it was tiredness that made everything so much easier. I woke up close to lunchtime. I put on my usual clothes and put down my weapons and got out of the tent. A car was approaching the house, and I walked in that direction.