atelophobia (n) the fear of imperfection. the fear of never being good enough.
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Ana never knew what it was like to be loved simply for the sake of it.
Walking out of that classroom that suddenly felt ten times as small and suffocating as usual, ana knew that press wasn't asking to see her after class and asking about her whereabouts after school just for the sake of it.
he was going to embarrass her, or he'll yell at her, or hurt her.
Ana exuded confidence as she walked down the hallway to find her next class, but she definitely didn't feel it.
The brunette felt herself wondering why,
why did she ever think that she could stop caring so much.
Ana just wanted to be deserving of love.
She had always assumed that she would have to give twice as much as everyone else to earn respect. to earn confidence. to earn love.
ana always made herself available enough that people would carve a need for her into their lives. somewhere for her to fit.
because if she wasn't needed, what good was she to others?
ana now internalised all these thoughts rather than living them, but she stored them someplace secure in the back of her head.
at every hug, every 'i love you', every compliment, those once secure thoughts flood her brain with reminders that she has to work to be deserving.
Ana knew she had to keep those thoughts inside, internalise them enough that she never allows herself to be treated that way again.
but,
her brain reminds her,
you deserve to be treated as badly as you treat others.
while ana didn't directly treat people around her in a bad way, she had stopped working as hard for their affection.
but now i don't deserve it.
ana didn't know what to do.
the sound of the bell reverberated were through the hall, alerting students to their next class.
ana straightens her posture, tipping her chin up ana walks through the rest of her day just how she planned.
she wasn't going to let anything get to her today, or for the rest of time.
