Direct And Linear Relationships

Chapter 34: Heartache

“Sad” sounds so childish, like something flimsy, something one should be able to cast aside with a happy reflection of a friend. However, ‘sad’ is nothing is like that. It sits inside my heart, germinating the seed of doubt, just waiting for the right conditions to grow.

I don’t know how long it’s been since the words ‘get out’ were said to me with disgust coating each letter.

Enough time for me to realize coming to Momo's house was putting myself in front of the angry mob waiting to pelt me with stones and stab me with pitchforks.

It was enough time for me to analyze the nature of the relationship Sana and I claimed we had. Was our attraction only sexually? Did Sana really love me?

Did I really love her?

It was enough time for me to overthink every single question and still come up without an answer. I realized how vulnerable I was, how powerless and fucking frustrating it was to know that things will never be the same again. It was also enough time for my emotions to bounce from regret to anger which was draining. Leaving me empty. Leaving me numb. The way an eye of a tornado must feel as it rolls across the plains knowing it will only leave destruction and chaos in its path. The tears I shed haven’t dried, I’m tired but when I close my eyes sleep is nowhere to be found. Because it’s my heart that has shut down, not my brain.

My sigh filled the room in such a way that was unrecognizable and I rolled on my right side hearing the couch creak underneath me.

“You still haven’t gone to sleep?”

I shifted my gaze to the left, seeing Momo adjust positions on the reclining chair she had fallen asleep on, “No. Sorry if I woke you up.” Ugh, even my voice sounds not Dahyun-like.

“I would say you should get some sleep but I’m sure you’ve been telling yourself that all night.” She stood up and I felt the light breeze brush against my face as she walked by. “Turning on the light.”

A grunt trickled through my lips as if that were an appropriate answer though Momo didn’t seem to mind as the light in the kitchen turned on. I sat up slowly, my muscles felt heavy like lead had been injected in them. The blanket cascaded down my body in the process, eventually puddling to the ground when I swung my legs over the edge and stood. I did my best to stretch out the knots and kinks that had made a home in my body, then trudged to the kitchen, and with less grace then shitty grace I fumbled my ass onto one of the barstools that sat on the opposing side of the sink.

“Coffee?” Momo asked as she dug through the cabinets and pulled out a mason jar full of coffee grounds.

“Please.” I answered before resting my head in my hands. Gently I rubbed my eyes with the heel of palm to hopefully help clear the fog I was in and some of the tension that seemed to be in the air. This is the most Momo and I have talked since she picked me up last night, and I appreciate her not pressing the subject. Which is why I called her in the first place. But a part of me feels like I owe her an explanation of some sort. I dropped my hands from my face and clasped them together in my lap, stealing a glance at Momo who was busy pouring water in the coffee pot, I took a few hushed breaths before opening my mouth.

“Hey, can we talk?” Yuck, my voice is so fucking gravely.

There was a slight pause in her movements before she nodded, dumped the rest of the water, pressed the ‘on’ button, then turned around to give me her undivided attention.

“You know you don’t have to tell me.” Momo's eyes bore into mine and lips spread to show off her reassuring smile.

“I know and…” My shoulders raised as I took a deep breath in, “maybe that’s the reason I want to.”