Overthinker is writing

Numb

I said it was my last text, but here I am.
I was inspired by loneliness, inspired to write.
For days I felt numb nothing to write about, no feelings, nothing in my head. So I gave up. Stopped to write. Now I finally have a topic but I'm to scared to write about it. What am I, if I can't write anymore. For years it was the only thing I could trust. The only constant thing in my life. The only thing that helped me. The words never left me but then they did. Only two weeks or so. But it hit me.
Now I write and write and still have not a word out, that was in my head. Will I ever be able to write again?

I read.
Texts from others.
Search for inspiration.
But I can't feel it anymore.
And I just get sad, why can they write and my head is silenced?
I've never knew this is possible,
An empty head.
No voice telling me lies.
No pictures, showing memories which never happened.
It feels like I'm in a room, completely dark and I can't find the doors.
No matter how hard I try.
Not a single noise.
Completely alone in this room.
I can't see the walls but it feels like they're crushing me.
Maybe they're not even there, maybe I could step out of this room.
Step out to find my voice again.
I miss her, even though she hates me and everything I do.
And while missing and wanting her back, I hear a whisper: "maybe you can step out,  maybe there is an abyss that lets you fall into the deep. I dare you to step"
But why would she say something like that and  why would I miss that. Maybe cause it is the only thing that isn't foreign to me.
But even though she hurts me I want to keep her.
I don't want to feel lonely anymore.
Im so confused,
About what I think.
That she makes me feel less lonely. But in the same breath she talks me into lonelyness. She is the reason I push people away from me.
But I don't want to loose.
Not the voice and not the people.
And as I should be happy I found the words again, I worry nothing I wrote makes sense. Just words and letters in a random order, for nobody to unterstand.
While my hands and legs are shaking, I try to hold my tears. I should be thankfull to be here were I am right now. I don't want to go back, I try to tell myself to relax, but my head talks back to me. Tells me I don't belong here.