She Will Be Loved

Chapter 4

TRIGGER WARNING - talk of hating oneself and suicide/not wanting to be here.

I look at him through my blurred vision, his face is hovering inches away from mine. "You smell nice" He breaths out. I feel frozen, unable to speak and unable to collect any thoughts.

He just laughs again like he has pretty much been doing since I met him. I flinch as his hand comes down to push my hair behind my ear. For a second there I thought he was going to hit me. I unfortunately am no stranger to being hit. Its the reason I'm here in Surrey in this shared house at the age of 20. I've been here for the last 2 years after I had to escape my ex boyfriend Kieron. I moved from Fulham, London. I shiver as the thought of him begins to enter my mind.

"You shouldn't drink so much princess" Harry starts. Before he can continue I butt in.

"My names Arabella, not princess" I snark inches away from his mouth. "Can you leave me alone now so I can sleep"

"Whatever" He backs up from me. He looks me up and down before he walks back up the stairs.

I run my hand through my long wavy dirty blonde hair and let out a long sigh. I open my door accidentally letting to slam shut behind me. I flinch at the loudness. Whoops. I strip out of my clothes leaving me in just my bra and underwear. I sit down in front of my mirror to look at myself. What is wrong with me. Tears begin to fill my eyes and I realise I just went against everything I promised I wouldn't do. I gulp at my drink I brought down from Zayn's room. I wish I bought a bottle down with me instead. I could just down my sorrows tonight and start fresh tomorrow. I decide to text Zayn quickly to see if I could pinch a bottle of wine till tomorrow, then I would replace it. He soon replies with of course and to come back up to his room to get it. I chuck on short purple pjs.

You should just go to sleep Bella. My intrusive mind begins. BUT i can't sleep until I'm absolutely smashed.

Before I know it I am outside Zayn's door. The music is quiet much more so than it was before. I knock lightly before walking in. Zayn is making out with Lilith, Mia is asleep on the floor and Katie is straddling Harry sucking on his neck. I also notice he is topless, although I can't see much due to Katie being in the way. Not that I care. I try to convince myself. Although I can't hep but think about how he looked at me barely twenty minutes ago. The stir he created as he licked his lips

Zayn breaks away from his kiss and stands to his feet grabbing a bottle he had ready. My favorite. Sauvignon Blanc. "Thank you Zayn, I really appreciate it.

"So much for sleeping aye?" I glance at Harry who is once again smirking at me. I feel my cheeks blush a crimson red as Katie turns to look at me before she continues to kiss his neck and lick his bare torso. Green eyes burning up and down my body. Staring at my bare legs and chest. I decide against saying anything and just leave the room as quickly as I can so they can get back to their sex party.

I get back to my room and start drinking out the bottle. I turn my music on really low. Paranoid I might wake one of the other neighbours. Why does Harry have to stare all the time. I stare at myself again. He's so intimidating. I couldn't help but compare myself to Katie like an idiot. Thinking Harry might've wanted me thirty minutes ago was stupid. Not that I wanted him but it would be nice to feel wanted. I'm nothing like Katie. Other than her personality she's perfect. I'm five foot four and a size twelve. I could never pull off the dress she was wearing as it would show all my lumps, bumps and dips.

Stop it Bella you're doing it again. You're supposed to be learning to love yourself for who you are. I stand back up falling backwards a little.  I bring the bottle back up to my lips and begin to drink. My minds running crazy and I am really hating myself. Before I know it I'm feeling a bit manic and scream at myself in the mirror. I then gulp down at much wine as I could before launching the bottle at the wall. I fall down in a ball on the floor crying and screaming that 'I hate myself'. Suddenly i feel arms wrap around me. I look up to see Zayn.