A Part of My Memory

Elliot

Jess was talking to me, but I didn't register a word she said.

My mind was elsewhere, back in the bathroom with Zara. I tried to shut out the memory and failed every time. The memory of her closeness and her scent. The memory of the way it made me feel, and the obvious way it made her feel. I cursed myself, wondering why I had even put us in that position. She had just cut her finger, it wasn't a big deal and yet I had been so concerned. She could have put the bandage on herself and yet I decided to do it for her, and when I realised how close we were, rather than stepping back, I froze. I didn't know why, but I froze, and when I found myself wondering what it would feel like to kiss her I stepped back and left before I could do anything that I would regret. Not only was Zara convinced that we were cousins, but I was engaged to another woman and the last thing I wanted to be was disloyal. And yet, I still felt guilty. The fact that I had even thought of kissing Zara was disloyal enough.

Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to bring her to live with us, and I wonder if she even knew how confused and conflicted she made me feel.

I shook my head slightly and paid attention to Jess again. She was talking about the wedding, thanking me again for picking up the rings and choosing the cake. Commenting on how she hoped I chose a nice cake like she chose a nice suit for me. I only smiled and nodded, and I couldn't have been more fake. She was excited about the wedding, but getting married to her was always the last thing on my mind. She had known that I didn't want to get married this soon. And yet she went on ahead and did everything without consulting me.

I wondered if all of this would change once we did get married or whether I was just being ignorant and too kind and optimistic for nothing, as Harley would say.

"Oh honey, what happened?" My mother asked from just outside the kitchen.

"It's nothing. It's just a cut." I registered Zara's voice.

They appeared in the doorway and Zara glanced at me, and I didn't look away when she did. My eyes stayed focused on her, desperately trying to understand what exactly made her so compelling. No matter how much I thought about it, I found myself coming to the same conclusion. Even at the beach, there was always something about Zara that I found fascinating, something that I thought meant nothing and could simply ignore, but now that she was staying with us it wasn't as easy.

"And you want to return to washing the dishes?" My mother questioned.

"There's just a little bit left."

"The bandage isn't waterproof, honey," my mother told Zara. "The water will just soak through."

"It's fine, I'll just redress it."

"It's not fine," my mother said then glanced at me and Jess. "Elliot and Jess can finish off."

"Actually," Jess suddenly said. "I recently got my nails done, so I wouldn't want to damage them."

My mother smiled, a cover-up for the sneer that threatened to take over her face. It seemed like my own family seemed to like Zara more than Jess. My mother had never once called Jess 'honey.'

"I should get going," Jess stood. "Bye Ellie, love you."

I smiled and she planted a quick kiss on my lips. I found my jaw clenching, guilt pressing through me when I glanced at Zara hoping she hadn't been watching. She had.

She lowered her eyes when our eyes met and blinked a few times before whispering goodnight to my mother who opened her arms and embraced her before allowing her to leave.

Jess said goodnight to my mother too, but my mother made no move to hug her and instead said a simple goodnight and walked past her to me. Jess left, and my mother took a seat in the chair beside me.

"She's friendly," my mother suddenly said.

"Who?" I asked, knowing she couldn't have been referring to Jess. She had never once called Jess anything near friendly.

"Zara," my mother told me. "I was concerned when you told us that you had to bring a girl to come to live with us, afraid that you would bring someone difficult to deal with," like Jess remained unsaid. "But you didn't. You brought a friendly and cheerful girl."

"I know."

"You have something on your mind," my mother read straight through me. "What is it?"

"I... I'm considering going back to stay in my apartment," I told her as the thought popped into my head out of nowhere. It was the wisest thing to do. That way I wouldn't see Zara as often and could work around whatever it was that I was feeling.

"And why's that?"

It took me a second to respond as I tried to come up with a valid excuse. "I've got a lot of work, it'll be easier for me to finish it all on my own." It wasn't completely a lie, I did have lots of work to do.

"Alright," my mother said, but she looked unconvinced. She looked back at the kitchen, "do you need help finishing?"

"No, it's not that much, I can finish off on my own."

"Very well," my mother stood and placed a tender kiss on my cheek. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, mom."

I stood up to finish cleaning up the plates when Harley suddenly walked in with purpose.

"You're leaving?" She asked.

"You were listening." I wasn't surprised. Harley had a gift of eavesdropping, being at the right place at the right time and picking up all the details. She always found out about family secrets and drama before I did because of that.

"Why are you going back to your apartment? Is it really because of work?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes, because Zara needs you," Harley stated, and the sudden clamour in my chest gave me pause. "To get her memory back and all."

"I don't have to see her on a daily basis."

"But it would be ideal if you did."

I cocked my head to the side, "what are you getting at Harley?"

"I just..." she looked behind her before stepping forward and whispering, "I think you guys would be good together."

I actually laughed at that, ignoring the way I felt myself agreeing with her. "You're forgetting I'm already in a relationship."

"Relationships end all the time," Harley dismissed. "Friendships, dating relationships, engaged relationships, even married relationships."

"I'm not going to break up with Jess," I said then turned to finish washing the leftover dishes, but rather than leaving Harley stayed.

"Why not?"

"Harley," I sighed. "I get you don't like Jess, but I do. And it might change—"

"Once you're married?" She asked. "It doesn't work like that."

I ignored her statement and said, "I'm still going to stay in my apartment."

"Fine," Harley said. "But since you're too blind to notice, I'll at least tell you this. You and Zara clearly have a connection, but your stupid engagement is in the way."

"That's enough, Harley," I said, fed up. "Just go to bed."

"I just want you to be happy," she said with a fit of quiet anger. Why was she even angry?

"I am happy." Those words felt a little too forced for my liking.

"When you're with Zara, yeah, you are."

"Harley!" I shouted and placed the plate I had been washing on the rack, hard enough that it made a loud clattering sound. "That's enough. Now either you leave and I finish these dishes or I leave and you take over."

Harley narrowed her eyes at me. She hated washing dishes so I knew my threat would work. Which it did. Once she left, I gripped and leaned against the counter, madder at the fact that deep down, I found myself agreeing with everything Harley had been saying.