A Part of My Memory

Zara

There was always a cold emptiness inside of me. A weight constantly weighing me down. Darkness threatening to drag me to the depths of despair.

But despite that coldness, there was a warmth. A shoulder to help me carry the weight. A spark that lit up the dark.

There was Elliot.

He didn't mind when I fell asleep crying in his arms, or when I got snot on his shirt, or when I rambled about all the memories and the pain that came with them. He was always there. And as the days passed, the pain became bearable. It was still there, still threatening to rip me apart, but it was bearable now. I was used to it.

And Elliot wasn't the only one there. Harley was there, as were Aunt Mary and Uncle Harry. They were all there for me. Trying to make me smile at every opportunity. Trying to get me to get my mind out of my thoughts. Trying to make sure I wasn't left on my own.

Eventually, I started going back to work at the café. Seeing as Bridget was the only other employee besides Reed, we started to get pretty close. And on the weekends I joined Elliot when he did dance practice with Jess. They were both great dancers, nailing every step and every manoeuvre. I could never. I had never been a good dancer, but I enjoyed watching them dance, even though Jess was treating the dancing like a strict religion, commenting every time Elliot made a single mistake. I supposed she was stressed about the wedding preparations, but she could have at least let loose a little bit. Even Elliot looked less like he enjoyed the dancing but only did it because he had no choice but to.

Harley had tagged along with us this time because her parents were held up at work, but unlike me, she wasn't watching the dancing, she was on her phone, occasionally looking up from the device to talk to me or when Jess was shouting at Elliot.

They had occasional breaks between the dancing but when Jess got a phone call she called for a break on her own. Elliot came and sat next to me, and his scent of sweat and cologne was an interesting mixture. It was nice, and I hated that I noticed it.

I faced him and asked, "How come Jess is so... serious all the time?"

"I guess it's the stress," he told me, grabbing his water bottle and having a swig.

"I guess so," I agreed out loud, but I thought otherwise. From what I'd seen, Jess seemed like a serious character in general. She was less carefree and more stern, unlike Elliot who was more casual and friendly than serious. "Are you having fun though?"

He chuckled, "not really, no."

"You're just doing this for her?" I asked and he nodded. "That's sweet of you," I commented, offering him a smile that felt a little bit too forced and tense. "You're a nice fiancé."

"Thanks," he chuckled again, and I hated that I loved the sound of his laugh. I hated that I loved everything about him. I hated that I felt something I had no right to be feeling for him. And I especially hated that I would rather watch him with Jess than leave him altogether.

It was only a matter of time until their wedding. Until he was officially Jess' husband. I was pathetic for being attracted to an engaged man. If I cared about my heart, I would leave today, tomorrow, or as soon as possible. But I couldn't. Because I cared about him more than I cared about my own heart. I hadn't even intended on giving him my heart but before I knew it he had a hold of it, even though his heart belonged to someone else.

So pathetic.

"What's your ideal kind of relationship, Zara," Harley asked me out of the blue, looking up from her screen once again.

"What?" I blinked, coming out of my thoughts.

"What kind of person would you want?" She asked me.

I took a moment to think before responding. "Someone I can have fun with," I told her. "I've never been in a relationship because I haven't met someone I can have fun with for the rest of my life. I want someone who I can trust and rely on, but also someone who makes me laugh and teases me and brings out the best in me."