weak | choni

13: "It Didn't Mean Anything"

"C-can I kiss you?"

Toni froze as soon as she realized what she'd said. Oh god, Cheryl was going to think she was insane for having feelings for her. Feelings that were becoming harder and harder to control.

Cheryl was going to tell the other girls and they'd all think Lauren was some kind of idiot. She could see it coming.

"I'd like that, y-yeah," Cheryl said breathlessly. God, what was she even saying? Toni wanted to kiss her. Of course she wanted to kiss Toni, she always had. But a large part of her was terrified.

Toni was thrown off when Cheryl spoke. She had said yeah? Yes, she had. Toni took a deep breath, taking a step forwards and leaning in slowly.

"I'm sorry," Cheryl blurted out, holding her hands out to separate them. "I-I can't do this," she shook her head and pushed past Toni, running out of the bedroom before she had time to change her mind.

She wanted to kiss Toni more than anything, and honestly, she would have given any other situation. But something was holding her back. She was in love with another girl.

Ana.

Well, Ana wasn't technically real. Ana ... or anorexia, as most people know it as, was the only think keeping her from kissing Toni. It was holding her back from a lot of other things, too, but the urge to kiss Toni ... or just be close to her, was the strongest.

She was in love with her disorder. Not    romantically ... but she considered it 'love' because she didn't know what she would do without it. And Cheryl considered that was close enough to the actual feeling of love.

Cheryl felt like she had no control. From the time she set foot on the stage during her X Factor audition, it was as if she was just a blank canvas, with no feelings or emotions. They molded her into this superstar, expecting perfection every waking minute and giving her no say in anything.

She didn't get to choose what she wore, what she danced, what competitions she performed at, it was all done for her. Part of her was thankful for not having all of that responsibility, but a larger part of her felt powerless. She felt as if she was just watching herself grow up without having any control.

For her, Real Cheryl and Stage Cheryl were two entirely different people. Stage Cheryl wore bows, Real Cheryl didn't. Stage Cheryl was outgoing and energetic, Real Cheryl was quieter and softer spoken. It was hard for her to try and be something she wasn't. All the girls in the group felt the pressure to be perfect, but Cheryl just couldn't handle it over time.

So yes, she was in love with 'Ana', because she could control her. Cheryl could control how much she ate. And her methods of controlling were working, too, because each time she stepped on the scale, the number grew smaller and smaller. Cheryl didn't have a goal weight. Her goal was just to lose. And lose. And lose.

And now she sat on the back porch, for once thinking about how much she hated Ana. How much she wished she could just be normal again. If she could, she would kiss Toni. But she didn't want to let Toni in. Toni didn't know her.

The new her, at least. Toni knew the innocent, cheery X Factor Cheryl. She didn't know the scared, guarded Cheryl that she'd turned into. Cheryl wanted Toni to know her, but the fear of letting her in was greater than the fear of being lonely. It was a fatal balancing act for her. Either way, someone would get hurt.

If she allowed Toni to get to know the 'real' her, Cheryl was scared Toni wouldn't like her anymore. She'd rather settle for being just friends with Toni than losing her at all. But now, they'd almost kissed.

Hell, she had told Toni it was okay. She said she would like it. Cheryl took a deep breath and sat on the steps of their deck, burying her face in her hands. Now everything would be ruined.