weak | choni

18: "I'm A Coward"

Cheryl had heard everything. Josie and Toni's entire conversation in the hallway was now replaying over and over in her head. She sat in the passenger side of Toni's car, forcing herself to keep her eyes off of the older girl. They'd just kissed, and all Cheryl wanted was to kiss her over and over again, but she wouldn't allow herself that pleasure.

She felt increasingly guilty as she relived what she had heard her other mates talking about. If only it were easier. The words Valarie had said were starting to resonate in her brain. This was her fault. Did Toni really have feelings for her?

Cheryl lifted her head slowly and looked over at the girl in the driver's seat. Even doing something as simple as driving, Toni was gorgeous. Cheryl sighed softly. They had kissed. But her mind was telling her that it didn't mean anything. That's what Toni had said before, right? Cheryl was growing increasingly frustrated that she found it so difficult to talk about her feelings.

Truth is, she was scared of hurting Toni. But from how they had been talking, and if Toni really did have feelings for her, wasn't she hurting her by just being the way she was? Cheryl bit her lip when they pulled into the driveway.

"Home sweet home," Toni smiled, completely oblivious to Cheryl's internal struggle. Cheryl just nodded and trudged along behind Toni and into the house.

Toni was growing confused by the way Cheryl was acting. After the kiss they shared, she had expected Cheryl to be even more attached to her. But it was quite the opposite, actually. Cheryl would barley look at her.

"I'm going to bed," Cheryl mumbled, kicking her shoes off in the kitchen and disappearing upstairs before Toni could even question her. The brown eyed girl sighed heavily and sat down at the island, hanging her head in her hands. The constant back and forth was causing her more stress than she needed.

Already exhausted, Toni decided she would eat something and then go directly to bed, just as Cheryl had done. She was comforted by the fact that Cheryl had eaten a reasonable amount less than an hour ago. Toni's appetite had been practically non-existent the past few days, but she knew she had to eat something to be able to keep up with the younger girl.

Toni quickly made herself a sandwich and it was gone in less than five minutes. She stalled going upstairs by cleaning the kitchen, but eventually she couldn't avoid Cheryl anymore. She was scared that Cheryl was mad at her, and that Toni had somehow messed up by allowing the kiss to happen.

She trudged upstairs, running a hand through her thick hair and slipping into the bedroom silently. Cheryl appeared to be asleep, which she was thankful for. Toni changed quickly and slipped under the covers. As soon as her head hit the pillow, Cheryl proved that she wasn't asleep.

"I'm sorry," the smaller girl mumbled into her pillow. Her back was turned to Toni. The brown eyed girl lifted her head and raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry for what?" Toni asked, now even more confused than she was before.

"Being like this," Cheryl huffed and sat up. "I heard you and Josie. I know how you feel. So sorry, because I obviously fuck up everything by being sick. And now I'm just fucking up your life too," Cheryl clenched her fists, trying to control her frustration with herself.

"Cheryl ... I-I ..." Toni was surprised that Cheryl believed that. Toni took a deep breath and shook her head, reaching out and placing a hand on Cheryl's shoulder so the smaller girl would face her. "That's not what's holding me back, Cheryl ..."

"Then what is?" Cheryl snapped, turning her whole body around and crossing her arms over her chest. Toni was taken aback by her outburst, hoping that Cheryl really wasn't this mad at her.