All The Lies You Tell - MATTHEO RIDDLE

Chapter 17

There was nothing but silence and the light sound of the cool breeze in the astronomy tower. The huge Saturn sculpture took up the majority of the room, but me and Mattheo were on the edge of the open balcony. I was sat on the floor unable to eat starring off at the empty yard. Mattheo leans against a post in front of me with his arms crossed quietly eating his food. Normally I enjoy mine and Mattheo's silence, but this one was unusually uncomfortable. We hadn't spoken a word since we left Diagon Alley. Honestly there isn't anything to say. My friends view me as a traitor. I thought I was helping. Maybe I'm just making everything worse. I'm hurting my friends for the sake of the ones who set it to hurt us. When did I become this way? So easily blinded. Alas, I still have faith in Mattheo. I'm not upset with him. I'm just processing. I know he didn't hurt anybody. I believe that. I don't know how to make others see what I see. This is what I wanted though, was it not? I was so sick of all the praise. I didn't want people to respect me. I wanted them to see me for what I was. Weak.

During the battle, I got scared. Harry had just ran off to literally sacrifice himself and I was afraid so I hid. I had always been grouped in with Harry and Ron therefore they just assumed I also shared their level of bravery. I didn't and I hate myself for it. I wish I hadn't been a coward. So I guess it's nice at least one person sees me for who I truly am.

"Do you wanna... talk about it or something", Mattheo breaks the silence awkwardly. He makes a face and scratches his head, clearly uncomfortable with the level of intimacy in the conversation.

That makes me crack a smile. "No, I'm alright."

"Well that guy was an ass. He shouldn't have spoke to you like that.", Mattheo says with a level of honesty.

That makes me frown. "No. I deserve it.", I admittedly mumble at the floor, unable to look him in the eye.

"Why? Because you were with me? That's no reason to be a dick", he states, starting to get angry.

"His brother was a casualty. He was also my friend. And then he sees me with...", I pause.

"With the enemy", he finishes for me.

I regretfully nod, still nod meeting his eyes. The next few minutes are silent. No one speaks. My mouth goes dryer by the minute as I try to think of what to say. I'm not sure if there is an appropriate response. I don't view him as the enemy. Well maybe yes he is the enemy theoretically, but these past few weeks have shown me I actually like spending time with Mattheo. He makes me feel the most alive. I've been dead inside for a long time and when I'm with him, even if it's just us arguing, I feel something. I've been so numb it's nice to feel whether it is good or bad. He makes me feel.

"I don't see you that way, you know?", I finally respond after about five minutes.

"As what?", he asks confusedly, already moving on from the previous topic.

"As the enemy.", I answer. "I don't see you as my enemy."

"I'm just the guy who punches your friends, right?", he jokes.

I bite my lip to hide my grin.

Suddenly his face and tone gets serious. "I'm not a good guy Hermoine." I furrow my brows at the sudden mood change. "I know you think that I am but I'm not."

My confusion only grows. "What are you even talking about?"

"I'm not a good person", he repeats.

He turns his eyes away from me and looks out over the railing. The moonlight glows on his skin. I really don't appreciate his face enough. There are no blemishes on his skin. It's perfect except for the occasional scar that only Merlin knows where he got it from. His most prominent scar is a thick red slice horizontally across the bridge of his nose. It still looks fairly new so I'm assuming he received it during the battle. He has extremely long eyelashes that flutter every time he blinks and it always seems that his hair is so perfectly imperfect. It's messy, but in a good way. The array of different shaped curls lay against his forehead that almost appear black in the moonlight. I wish I had even an ounce of his beauty.