I can't sleep right now. I see a bunch of Asian people. Damn, why are they so gorgeous?
They are all playing games. Why are they playing these games where they kill each other? Why are they so horrible? No, no, think happy thoughts.
Think Captain Ri Jeonghyeok when he finds Yoon Seri in that market in North Korea with the scented candle. Yes, love exists. Yes, Prince Charmings are real.
Yet the Squid Games are real too, metaphorically speaking. Agh, humans can be so cruel. Alice in Borderland is even creepier. Damn Japanese being creepy.
I've got crazy, manic thoughts running around in my head. Why is it that the Jonas Brothers songs so catchy 14 years later? I do not understand.
I'm so mad at myself. Why did I think I could take a trip up to Virginia to see my relatives without my melatonin? Damn, I'm so spoiled. SO SPOILED! I need my memory foam bed. I need the white noise set "just so" with the other machine in the background. I don't need it this damn cold. Where's my comfy mattress?
I should have watched Crash Landing on You before bed. I know I have to imagine unrealistic expectations for romance before falling asleep. Let's think about ex-love interest.... no he's with that Brazilian. How about that guy at work, no, he rejected me, and he dabbles with strippers. Then there's Ponytail at the beach with the lip-injected girlfriend, hard pass, his butt isn't that nice anyway.
Damn it, there's no one but my ex.... eww.
I'm so mad at myself. Why can't I stop thinking? I'm so mad at myself for thinking. I SHOULD be meditating twice a week. Highlight and underline that word SHOULD, because I feel like I almost never have time! So I figure I'll get around to it eventually, then it's 12 am at night and I'm wondering why I didn't meditate.
Then there's that damn antibiotic. It didn't help, but am I really kidding myself? Is it really the antibiotic or is it just my damn insomnia?
Man, all I can think about are my life choices right now.
I could have gone to Spain
I could have gone to Brazil
Or Indonesia
Maybe even Miami
But Corona happened. Then the other jobs happened. Or didn't happened. Why, why, why do the doors close. Why do the doors open. Why do the years pass, and I am almost 30. What if I never have time to have kids, or make more friends, or ugh...
Beam me up Scotty!
Ugh... I miss traveling.
The biggest fear for me is not sleeping. It's laying in your bed for hours with all the thoughts running through your head, punching your pillow 500 times to look for that "sweet spot," then getting frustrated cause you have to go to the bathroom, then having your heart racing because you know that you are not sleeping (and that it should take a good 30 minutes), then finding yourself in the bathroom crying and being mad at yourself for being so pathetic (and single) at age 26.
Poor auntie. She hears me getting up from my room, creeping across the creaking wooden floorboard to get to the bathroom, and she's wondering why I have the bladder of an old lady. She probably wouldn't be surprised if I show up in an old shawl, with a hunched back, petting 2 cats, and never leaving my house. She's worried for me. I can tell.
This is why I loathe family gatherings. I'm the single-pringle in a sea of kids and couples. God, I need a drink...
Why can't I be like my mom and fall asleep on slanted mattresses and tiny neck pillows on deserted islands and living room floors? She can do anything, and she NEVER complains. She's perpetually happy. The last time we were in Moab (this summer), we could see the wildfires off in the distance from the KOA campground, and she exclaimed "This is fine!"
If my mom was held at gunpoint by North Korean officials, she'd probably say the same thing.
Your aunt went through all effort to make your bed as good as she can. You're so spoiled. You fight the pillow. Your heart is racing.
God, you are so lonely. This is how it is every night — just one step away from an antidepressant or a sleeping pill, sleeping with some random guy on Tinder, and becoming a fucking nutty.
Ok, I have to help myself. Think happy thoughts. Think good sex before bed, soft, giant beds, bubble baths, all the sushi I can eat, and driving anywhere I can go. Planes, books, books published, a freaking successful Medium article, keeping my article, traveling the world, and the Yellowstone Volcano not exploding and blanketing the world in a curtain of ash!
There I go again...
I'll be good now. I've meditated, kind of. Time to sleep.
This is fine now. Everything is just fine.
Oh, oh no.
Heart racing, head turning, neck cramp, why?
I'm gonna die here. This is it. The final curtain call.
Tears are falling, I have to pee.
