Avengers One Shots

Bucky: Remember Me

Bucky POV:

On my list are people and events I tried to hold on to before getting my memory wiped. Most of them include of people who I have killed, a venue, or an event that occurred. This list is basically like my apology due to my ability to compartmentalize my emotions.

One name stuck out from the list, which I underlined: [First Name] [Last Name].

The only reason I remember this name was because their ID had dropped in front of me. They were my nurse, tending to my wounds as I writhed being strapped to the thin bed. The first time they came in was when I was brutally wounded. I don't even remember what happened to make me so weak, but I remember seeing them fix my saline bag.

It took me a while to ease up to them. Knowing that they wouldn't harm me like the others in Hydra definitely helped. They also would hum a nice song before putting me under anesthesia sometimes. Other instances they would talk to me about their day or what was bothering them. It felt comforting because it felt like I was an actual person around them instead of what they made me.

Their name was the first I wrote down on the list, but I did not want to pursue that link. I wanted to get rid of my dirty background before dealing with real emotions. Here I was, sitting in front of a computer in S.H.I.E.L.D office, about to track down the one person who was genuine when I was down. And I hesitated.

I was afraid of what they would think of me and how I treated others. Even though I was "under the influence", I don't know if they even knew that. They were a mere doctor in a grand scheme of a large and terrible corporation.

I typed the number slowly into my new phone, and stared at it. I was about to erase the number by pressing the back arrow when I accidently pressed the call button. My eyes widened as I panicked. Stupid new technology, I thought. I didn't even reherse what I wanted to say, where's my notebook again?

"Hello," a voice chimed from the other line. It sounded airy and light, unlike my rough and harsh tone. I stared at the time rising, just breathing heavily on the other line. "Hello?", they questioned.

"Hello," I finally responded. There was a pause on both ends until the other said, "What can I do for you?"

Bucky took a deep breath as he grabbed his notebook with his sorry statement. "I don't know if you know me, but my name's James Barnes and I have done bad things to you and I would like to apologize for those things." (or whatever he says in FATWS)

He heard light laughter on the other line, "James, I have no clue who you are. But I accept your apology. What did you do that you think you don't deserve acceptance?" Bucky's face dropped slightly, realizing they didn't remember him. But then he thought that maybe they only remember his face, due to his inability to speak after most missions.

"Let's say it's pretty unspeakable things."
"Like what killing people?"
Bucky was silent as they exposed his past in four little words.

"Listen, I used to work for this weird organization that was really shady and definitely did a bunch of illegal shit so if you're from that, I get it. There was a lot of wild things happening behind closed doors, but I would really like to leave that behind so if you're trying to recruit me, I'm going to have to pass."

"No no! I would never recruit you for them!" Bucky exclaimed. "I was able to esc- get out too. If you ever want to talk about it, I'm always available."

"Oh really? That'd be fun! I feel like that part of my life was the part I've always wanted to talk about the most but was unable to due to contract obligations and whatnot. If you're still in the city, let's meet at _____. I'm pretty busy today but would Tuesday work?"

I responded yes a little too quickly, but became filled with joy to meet someone from my past that doesn't seem malicious. I was super jittery taking the subway over to the restaurant, but tried to seem calm. I then let my thoughts wander and realized that she might not even recognize me. I deliberated if this was a good thing or a bad thing until it was my stop and exited.

The restaurant was a couple of blocks north from the subway, and thankfully had been an old building I remembered going to. It was a small bar restaurant and thankfully, it wasn't crowded with people since I'd got there before the happy hour started. I was able to find a booth in the back where people wouldn't recognize me but I can still look at my surroundings.

On the contrary, I recognized her immediately. She was wearing _____ and had hear hair up in an ____. She slowly walked in and looked around, like she was looking for someone. I was confused at first, but then realized that she might not recognize me. This saddened me a little bit, until I realized that I must've looked very broken after most missions. I got up from the table I was sitting at to greet her.

"Oh hi," she exclaimed as we walked together. "Sorry if I was a bit late, had to deal with some loose ends at work today." I nodded, "I totally understand." Because that is basically my whole life right now, I thought. There was a bit of small talk until after the waiter got us our drink orders.

"You know I never do things like this, like on a whim."
"What, you're not the adventurous type?"

She looked down at her drink and swirled it, "I used to be like that. That is until I took up the position you talked about on the phone." She paused to take a sip, "There were just so many..."

"Secrets."
"Yeah."

She paused for a bit, allowing me to look closely at her features and admire them before she continued speaking, "This is why now I will always cross reference my sources before applying somewhere." This caused both of us to chuckle.

She talked about her experience and how she was able to get the position in the first place until our food came. "I'm so sorry," she said. "But I was so busy talking about myself that I didn't even ask what your experience was like."

I paused, not knowing what to say because, well for one, I was brainwashed so I don't even remember large aspects of my time at H.Y.D.R.A. Second, I'm trying not to relive what little I do remember. "Well," I hesitated, "I started during the beginning so it didn't seem weird to me until later on."

"Wow, that's crazy. I remember someone telling me that the whole program started during World War II, but you don't seem that old." She laughed it off, and I nervously pulled my collar. "It was mostly a blur. Lots of assignments but...very repetitive," I played it off. Y/N nodded in understanding, "Since I was just coming out of nursing school, it was weird doing my duties on the same man."

My ears perked up when she said that. I was hesitant to ask further questions because I almost wanted to keep the illusion for my identity, but knowing that she recognized something allowed me to ask more about it. "There werent different nurses?" I asked.

She nodded, "I believe they had different nurses and doctors for different patients. I do remember when I came in for the last time because my patient was gone, and people were going berserk. I learned a little bit of German so I could translate what others were saying and one of the officers said something along the lines of 'He got away' and 'Find him.' This made me rethink everything I knew about the people I was working for. When the building was going under lockdown, I remember catching a glimpse of someone who looked so familiar in an officers uniform who was limping. It probably was him, and I didn't tell anyone because he looked as scared as I felt. So I let him go."

The memory hit me like a truck. I did grab an officers uniform to disguise myself that I remembered in the moment, but now its so vivid I couldn't believe I forgot it. I looked up from my food to see her staring at me, trying to recognize my features. I gazed into those eyes I first did when I could barely walk. Multiple different thoughts raced in my head of what she thought of me.

Her lips parted in realization. This means that she knows that I killed people, I thought, this was a bad idea after all. I hurried out of the restaurant so that she wouldn't see the shame I felt. I kept walking with my head down until I heard shouting from behind me.

"Look, I understand if you dont want to be near me because of my past but I'm trying to help you -" She slammed her body into mine for a tight hug. I stood there awkwardly until slowly wrapping my arms around her frame. "I saw you at your worst. No one should have had to endure what you did." That was the closure I was looking for this whole time.