LIVING A LIFE OF A SALTED FISH

21: Can't seem to move on from the villainess.

I counted the days where Ruhee didn't show up in front of me, and estimating the total number, it has already been a month or so since the last time I had seen her figure. 

I feel like she is avoiding me. Or am I just overthinking things?

I'm not quite certain, but it feels odd that I haven't even seen a glimpse of her shadow these past several days, and adding the fact that I keep receiving lots of gifts from her in my room, it made me assume many possible things. I'm thinking if she was just being shy, busy, or I don't know. There are many doubts colouring my head, and they are all jumbled in a mess of tangles. 

Anyway, the gifts are a bit unexpected, and all of which were delivered by Suraida. Which makes me wonder what truly happened to Ruhee. For her not to show up and display her snarky attitude even for once is making me eerily uncomfortable. I'm not used to her not being around to disturb my peaceful day even for once. Having said that, the quietness in the morning through the whole day is something I have always wanted, so I'm kind of guiltily enjoying that Ruhee is not showing herself around.

I hope that she is fine though. 

I asked Suraida about it, but the maid told me that Ruhee just has something to do, which is why the unsmiling maid told me not to disturb her mistress, because Ruhee is handling an important matter. As someone who doesn't want to become a bother, I naturally let my concerns go, just keeping my worried thoughts to myself.

A sigh escaped my lips, and I grabbed a bunch of cookies, gobbling them inside my mouth as I chewed my distressing thoughts away, while I admired the setting sun from the window sill.

"I wonder what she's doing…" I murmured, slurping the tea loudly as I stared boredly at the orange sky.

The anxiousness is slowly eating out the spaces in my heart, aching bit by bit as the anxiety devours me. As if salt has been sprinkled on them, every inch of my intestines are worming around, and every single day, I'm filled with thoughts I should not have. I would cope by reading too many books, staring at the scenery too much, eating too much, sleeping too much, or sighing too much. And despite trying my best to distract my head, my mind kept coming back to her as they filled my thoughts; heart wrenching as they screamed at me for missing her existence.

I just can't help but wonder if I did something wrong. But if I did, Ruhee wouldn't be sending me gifts, and instead, she would show up in front of me everyday and display her dislikes up front. That's how she and I had always been to each other. After all, Ruhee is a straightforward person. She doesn't go around the bush and do subtle things or be indirect about her feelings. Although, there are quite a few times where she showed some tsundere traits, but Ruhee is mostly a dere as far as I know.

Frowning, I shook my head as I mumbled, "No, no, I shouldn't label Ruhee's personality with those anime-ish traits…"

With another sigh, I stood up as I tread back to my bed and lied on top of it, then I stared at the ceiling; finding the painting of hell to be boring. 

"Should I just move on?" I whispered as I asked myself out loud. 

These thoughts would sometimes pass my mind. It's an option that I'm often considering, but no matter how many times my head thinks of it, I can't seem to act upon it. Saying it is not as easy as it sounds. 

As much as my head wanted me to move on, my heart would always beg to differ. I couldn't even cry about it. Because in fact, Ruhee didn't do anything wrong. I brought this to myself. I should have known better. I know how to avoid it, but I let myself fall even deeper. And now, the abyss became so deep that I couldn't see a single light. 

"I'm bloody screwed," I muttered under my breath.

This realisation made me feel aggrieved and unwilling. It's unfair. Why am I the only one having such fretful thoughts? How could I let this happen to myself?

I want to tear up about it, but crying won't solve anything, so why should I even bother, right? 

Having said that, my eyes slowly stinged as a droplet of warm liquid fell to the side of my face. Shit. I'm bloody crying. And I'm not liking it.

My brows furrowed as I glared at the ceiling. My heart felt so upset that I wanted to scream, but I didn't. I held my raging emotions as nothing but revenge poured out from my mind. 

Harshly, I wiped the tears off from my eyes as I glared deadly at the painting of hell. I have spent so much time brooding about Ruhee this or that, but now, I'm sick of it. This isn't even a peaceful life anymore. How can I call it as one when I'm here in my room moping about a certain person not liking me back. 

"No, I can't let this continue any further," I mumbled as I sat up with urgency. "I need to bloody move on."

Frowning, I stood up, pacing back and forth inside my room. My head is forming plans after plans on how to escape my sulking emotions. Because I don't want to stay as a loser anymore. I can't always let Ruhee win.

After all, this is all just a game, and I can't afford to lose the end match. Because I will not let myself lose out in life again. So these ridiculous feelings, I need to get over it. 

That's it. I have decided…I'm moving on from Ruhee.

This sickening attachment; I don't want it anymore. If she doesn't like me, then so be it. Starting at this moment, I'm letting all these lingering emotions be free.

With a deep shaky sigh, I stopped myself from pacing in fret as I stood in front of the window. As soon as I stared outside, I held my breath as a certain figure slowly came into sight. The one I'm worrying about for many days and nights.

I gazed at Ruhee. She was standing under the tree and her red bloody eyes were looking at me. The orange light of the sun freckled at her figure. Her lips were curved into a thin smile, and for some reason, she appeared tired and exhausted. There were dark circles underneath her eyes. The colour of her skin seemed pale than usual, and her meaty frame became thin.

I frowned, pursing my lips as my heart cried from the sight of her.  

Of all times, why now?

Why now when I have finally set a goal to move on. How can I do that when this woman is looking at me with those eyes, holding secret emotions I couldn't even fathom. 

"Ruhee..." I called out her name in a low whisper as I averted my eyes, clenching my fist. "You unfair shameless woman..."