LIVING A LIFE OF A SALTED FISH

24: Suffering with the villainess warmth.

In this silent night, I find my mind speaking loud. Heart racing in anxiousness, beating like a drum.

I'm addicted and it's getting toxic. I wanted to take a step away, but I found my thoughts walking back to the woman lying beside me on top of my bed. Nevertheless, I didn't bother glancing; I just concentrated on staring at the painting of hell on the ceiling. 

In my head, I asked myself many times, why? What did I even love about her? Is it the way her lips would raise when she knew she was winning? Is it the way she would roll her eyes at our silly banters? 

I chuckled, recalling those little memories I had with her. I have been embracing her close to my heart; each beat calls out to her name. Even though she was here right now by my side, I still feel unsatisfied. I want her all for myself, but I can't afford to be selfish. Especially if selfishness would result in losing her. 

Still, every pump of my blood, every breath I take, and every little move I make felt like an eternity to this freezing room. Despite feeling Ruhee's skin with mine, I still couldn't get that feeling off my chest.

Every inch of my flesh craves for more touch, for more hugs, and for something more warmth than what we currently have. 

Many times, I asked myself, how can I make her mine?

I have no idea. Every single day, I'm just doing my best. Yet, no matter how I try, Ruhee seemed not to see me. It's only understandable. After all, she already had someone in her mind, while I'm busy thinking about her in mine. 

Regardless, every single day, I still find myself liking her even more. 

I like how she wants her silence. I like how she spent some of her time with me. I like how she responds to my lame jokes. I like how she would comfort me in the most subtle way. I like how she tries to make me feel comfortable. I like how she doesn't force things to work. I like how she is not trying but never fails to impress me. I just really like her. I might even love her at this point. I adore every little thing she does. When she is being petty, when she is being rude, when she is being distant, when she makes mistakes; every bit of her imperfections; I find myself falling for it then admiring it. 

I don't want to lose her, but there are many instances where I felt like she wanted to slip away. She makes me feel scared and inspired at the same time. She was the reason for my fret, but every time, I found myself being comforted by her. 

I don't want to leave, but she has this tendency to push people away. She is complicated, and I don't like complicated things, but she is the complication that I'm willing to…

With a sigh, I shook my head.

"What are you thinking?" 

I heard the woman I'm sighing about asked as she wrapped one arm over my flabby tummy. I let out another silent sigh, then I glanced at Ruhee. Her eyes were closed, making her lashes appear extra thick, and it made her seem like a beautiful angel. 

Slowly, as if sensing my gaze on her, Ruhee opened her eyes. "Tell me…" She uttered; her voice was like a magnet, compelling me to scoot closer, and I did.

I opened my lips, pondering on what to say. I can't possibly just confess that I'm musing on how to make her mine, right? Nor can I just blurt out that I'm envious of Cleopatra for being Ruhee's person.

So what should I say?

For a while, I just let my mouth hang as I stared at Ruhee's searching eyes. My heart felt like a piece of paper being crumpled together bit by bit. Because I couldn't get the words out of my throat; they remained stuck there, choking me as I suppressed these feelings I have for Ruhee.

So as usual, I just plastered a smile, shaking my head as I averted my gaze. "It's nothing, just pondering what breakfast I should have for tomorrow," I said smoothly.

Ruhee chuckled as she squeezed me between her arms. "You love food so much that they make me feel jealous," she whispered, biting my earlobe then giving it a tender kiss. 

I gulped as I felt myself heating up. "Well…" I let out a laugh, trying to ease the rising tension within me.

Ruhee has this urge at night to be seductive. I think it just comes out naturally for her and is very unintentional. And it's quite a pleasuring torture. I'm loving it though.

Clearing my throat, I turned to the side, facing Ruhee, and we found ourselves staring at each other's eyes, reflecting something within them that I couldn't put an explanation to. Her bloody ruby eyes always had these emotions, passionate emotions that I have no idea how to describe aside from them being tantalising. 

"Let's go to sleep, host," I murmured, giving her forehead a peck.

"Mm," Ruhee responded as she embraced my waist, pulling me closer to hers, closing her eyes.

It's at these moments that I feel comforted and cold at the same time. I'm enjoying this warmth, but I know that deep down in Ruhee's heart, I'm just a pillow at night.

And in this quiet room, I just happened to be the comforting warm that she needed. And I understand that I'm convenient, but many times, my heart would wish for more. But I couldn't take a step forward nor backward. Moving forward would mean losing this comforting zone that Ruhee and I have. And taking a step away would get the same result as well.

So I'm just stuck here between her arms. Enjoying the torturing pleasures of Ruhee's comforting warmth. Silently wishing that she stays like this for life.