LIVING A LIFE OF A SALTED FISH

22: Feeling whatever with the villainess.

We stood face to face inside my room, and my heart was full of tension and apprehension. Ruhee is being silent, and I don’t like how she was being distant and reserved with me. But I can’t do anything. I could only look at her, because I’m also not at ease. 

I gaze at her features; still in her usual red fitted dress; same red lipsticks; probing bloody eyes.

But her pale countenance, and her diminishing thin figure, and as well as her dark circle under her eyes gives the impression of being feeble. Her bloody eyes looked tired, and they seemed to have lost their passion for some reason. I wonder what she has been doing all the while I’m thinking of her in my head. What did she do to look so exhausted like this? 

I have so many questions in my heart. Like, what she had been up to, why does she look so thin, have she been taking care of herself, did she miss me, did she ever think of me, why didn’t she say anything to me, why didn’t she even send a single letter explaining what she was up to, do I mean nothing to her…

So many questions; they never seemed to end. 

Regardless, no matter what questions pass my mind; not a single one will be answered. Because I’m afraid of asking. I’m too frightened to speak up and be vocal with my words; just to receive a cold shoulder in the end. 

Ruhee and I…I have no idea what we are. Are we even friends? Who am I to ask such questions, right?

I’m just her nemesis after all. So I swallowed these million things in my throat, burying them in my heart. I plastered an innocent smile as usual as I casually asked, “Hello host, it’s been a while, how are you?”

Ruhee opens and closes her lips. She appeared reluctant to speak, avoiding eye contact as she gazed at the floor, folding her arms in her chest, appearing uncomfortable to answer. My heart felt like being pricked by a thousand mosquitoes. Each bite aches with a tingling sensation, leaving my insides spurning. 

I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. I should have acted like my normal self. I shouldn’t have asked. With a silent deep breath, I gulped, trying not to let my emotions get the better of me. 

“Ahem,” I cleared my throat. “You don’t have to answer, anyway, I enjoyed my time while you were gone, but I’m glad that you’re back again, host…I almost miss your entertaining presence,” I said jokingly with a half laugh. 

Ruhee rolled her eyes, then she also chuckled, looking like herself again. “Well, I’m back now, but…” she paused, looking away, then she continued, “I’ll be away in a while again…Cleopatra and I have been speaking to each other about things…”

“Oh…” I nodded with an understanding expression as I dryly responded. “Mmhmm, I see.”

She nodded back as she averted gaze again. “Ahem, so…that’s all,” Ruhee said as she turned around and left the room, closing the door softly.

And my eyes started to stinged. I look up at the ceiling, chuckling disparagingly. “What did I even expect…” I mumbled as my lips trembled, and I had to bite them to suppress myself from sobbing. “Time to move on.”

As soon as I said it, the door in the room opened, revealing the woman I’m crying about. We both stared at each other in surprise. I gulped as I sniffed. “Shit…”

Ruhee, once again, looked hesitant on what to say as she came inside, closing the door gently behind her. “…are you alright?”

Hurriedly, I dried my eyes with the back of my hand. “Ahem,” I cleared my throat before speaking up. “I’m a bit sick, so…” I explained clumsily, giving her my usual smile, clenching my fist and wrinkling my black satin dress. 

The other woman slowly took steps forwards towards my direction. She didn’t respond as she only gazed at me with those tender eyes. “What ails you?” She asked in her most mellow voice, and I felt myself melting as she took my hand, squeezing it with warmth. “Tell me.”

I shook my head as I chuckled. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it, host…” I answered with my words almost breaking. 

“Are you certain?” Ruhee questioned once more, looking right into my soul. 

I smiled as I nodded. “Yes,” I lied.

Her lips pursed as she gave me her squinted eyes; one of the things I weirdly miss about her. “Really?” Ruhee said disbelievingly. “Why do you seem…”

“What?” I urged.

Ruhee frowned, knitting her brows. “I don’t know…out of it?”

“Why do you think so?” I whispered.

“Not sure,” she replied flatly.

Sensing her tone being uninterested, I took a deep sigh, then I laughed resoundingly. “I’m alright Ruhee, go and get busy out there, don’t worry about me, okay?”

Ruhee nodded as she took a step back. “Well…you’re right,” she said as she slowly receded back, exiting the room with a thoughtful expression on her face, then she left.

I waited for a while for her to come back or whatever. But she left for good. Ruhee didn’t return again for the rest of the day, and I confined myself alone in this jail room of hers. Or so what she calls it. I watched beside the windowsill as the sun disappeared slowly from the horizon, replaced by the chilling cold of the night. I stared at the stars and the moon, feeling like a gaping void is slowly inching in every corner of my heart.

All I feel at the moment is emptiness. Many nights, I sat here, wondering of all the possible things, and each one was right. I was right, and I hated how I was right. Sometimes, I wish I was wrong; that what I’m overthinking is not what was really happening, but unfortunately, I was right. 

I knew that there is a huge possibility that the reason Ruhee was not showing up was because of that person, but I just wished…I was hoping…

A silent snort escaped my lips as I sighed and shook my head. “Whatever…”