[Book 2 of "Nanny Dearest"]
Have you ever felt an itch?
Like one that you can't scratch
It's tempting
It's aggravating
And it won't go away.
I've been clean for a year and five months
This itch feel like it's coming back.
Attempting to balancing...
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Russia /Thursday/ 11:47 am
I feel
Happy?
I sort of feel happy
At least I think so.
I spent three days at Halston parents house and I must admit I do enjoy their company.
Other than Ida, up my ass about me and how I should start taking my pills around 8 pm since I have a habit of not wanting to take them in the morning.
She so sweet, though; she made sure that she with me when I took them. Ida even suggested for me to stay for a week or two, assuming Halston and I need space.
I will probably take her up on that offer.
Right now, I'm out back with her sitting in the big blanket Ruslava laid out for me and the kids to sit on instead of the grass. He was inside the house watching TV while Ida was out here with me gardening. She gave me chips and finger sandwiches she made for me while Lamont and Hazel entertained each other, laying on their back. Well, Lamont was occupied with his feet while Hazel tried to shake her little toy in his face.
I smiled because I'm starting to feel a little happy being around the two. It is annoying how my mood changes, though; I don't like the fact I only hang around the two when I feel fine. When they cry for me, I get irritated for some reason and that part I would like to fix. I don't want to ignore their needs when they start walking and talking. So, I'm doing my best to nip it in the butt.
It's like my brain won't click with my feelings. It's hard to explain.
Like logically, I want to be around Hazel and Lamont loving them, but that feeling won't be there.
That's what I want to fix.
So yes, FEELING happy with them around me is a big deal for me. I felt like I'm in a shell taking care of my kids, so being able to feel something towards them makes me extremely happy.
Like I said before, I don't want to be a neglectful mother.
I know how that feel to have one.
I don't want to be that.
You can be in your kids life and still not give a fuck about them. My mom was that. The only thing different is I'm not in and out; I'm always present.
"Do you want me to make a meal for the two of you?" Ida asked me while she poured water on one of the flowers.
"Nah, I'm good; not in the mood really talk to Halston." I said. Halston stopped by to see the kids' ion feel like dragging an argument, so I'll just be eh cordial?
"I understand. Are you sure you're not hungry?" She basically asked if I'm hungry again.
"I eat some Ramon noodles, Ida. I'm not really all that hungry." I stated, and she hummed patting the dirt planting tomatoes to her garden. I heard the slide door open with familiar voices that belong to Halston and his father. Deciding to mind my damn business and not ear hustle I put my attention back on the twins seeing Lamont trying to looking at the little toy Hazel sat on his forehead why she completely cracking up about it. I reached over moving the toy; idk his eyes was looking at little cross so I don't want it to get stuck like that. Moving the toy from his forehead placing in his hands.
