Being Perfect

Chapter 8 - Moving On

Chapter 8 Nichole

Morning shifts were the worst especially when you have them six out of seven days. Today I was finally given a day off and I still couldn't enjoy it. Since the kiss with Louis I've been avoiding him. I can't allow myself to be caught back up in the web that is his life. Another reason to hate today: house shopping. Or renting, whatever you want to call it. I need a fresh place to start. I can't keep taking from Jo and her family. I was no longer a part of them and I needed to let it go. During one of my shifts I had mentioned it to Austin and he volunteered to come with me. It's weird because I feel as if we're dating, but we've never approached the subject. Either way he's a really good friend and I'll be happy with just that. And to add on to the ever growing list of reasons to hate today: it was the boys' last day here. I slipped on my red toms before heading out into the morning air. I closed the door quietly, trying not to wake anyone. "When you sneak out shouldn't it at least be dark outside?" Louis asked from the porch swing. I mentally cursed fate under my breath. I had been doing so well and today of all the days he had to ruin the streak.

"I'm not sneaking out. I didn't want to wake anyone." I mumbled. I was regretting telling Austin he could pick me up. Louis' cold blue eyes looked me up and down. You could tell this was to see if I was okay and not harming myself. I rolled my eyes at the gesture before sitting on the porch steps.

"So what are you doing today?" He asked suspiciously. I sighed and dug in my purse for my phone before sending Austin a quick text.

"It's really none of your business." I spat and we were engulfed in tense silence. Pretending to play on my phone I thought about all Louis had done to me. It was because of him that I don't believe I'm made for the celebrity lifestyle. I sighed. "Are you excited to go back on tour?" He looked off into the distance. He looked empty to me.

"I am. I'm excited to start seeing our fans again and to get back into the normal routine. This break has been like a rollercoaster. It wasn't very relaxing." I knew he was talking about our encounters so I played into his hurtful façade.

"Well you should enjoy it while it last because this is the last time you have a non relaxing break." He raised his eyebrows but still stared off into the distance.

"And you know this how?" His bland tone and attitude was getting on my nerves, so I blindsided him.

"I'm getting an apartment today." His head snapped in my direction. He opened his mouth to say something, but it just snapped closed. "I wasn't going to tell anyone, but since you want to act like nothing fazes you I thought I'd put it out there." I looked down the quiet street hoping Austin would show up soon.

"Have you told mom?" I shook my head and played with the glass charm on my necklace. Jo was the very last person I wanted to tell. She was like a mother to me and I felt like moving out on her was a stab at everything she's done for me. "Are you going to stay in touch?" I looked up at him with sad, empty eyes that gave him the answer. He started pacing the porch. "You can't do that Nichole! You can't just expect Daisy and Phoebe to accept that you're gone! You can't put Lottie through the torture of unanswered phone calls! You can't just expect them to let you disappear like I did!" He stopped right beside me. He was fuming as his anger washed over me. I slowly stood up and faced him. I heard Austin's car pull into the driveway.

"I don't want to hurt them. This is the best for everyone." I turned to walk away, but Louis grabbed my arm.

"Is this because of me?" I looked down at my feet before his grip on my arm loosened.

"I can't keep ruining things. No one enjoys the time you're here if we're fighting. I add bills to Jo's monthly budget. Lottie can rebuild her relationship with you. Without having to pay for me Jo can afford Phoebe's extra training. And Daisy," I smiled thinking of the smallest in the Tomlinson clan, "she's strong. She'll pull through. You see Louis," I pulled my arm free and met his conflicted gaze. "All this time I've been blaming you, but now I know that it's me. If I leave you guys get your life back. I'm the reason everyone wants the past back so bad. If I leave maybe then we'll both have a chance for a future." With that I left him on the porch and went to look for a new beginning.

*

Saying goodbye is the hardest thing you have to do.

That's why I didn't go.

The boys left about an hour ago to fly back to America. I had too many emotional breakdowns today where they were concerned that another one would've done me in. I signed off on my apartment lease today. It was a small two bedroom one bathroom. It made me feel alone even though I still had a week before I moved in. Instead of dwelling on the boys and my future, I went to see my dad. They said he was getting better. I've honestly heard that enough times now that I think they have to say it when there's been no progress. They've asked me plenty of times if I was ready to pull the cord on the life support that kept him alive, but for some reason I couldn't. He was the only thing I had left from my previous life. Before Louis, before my disorder. He was it. I didn't want to let him go because there was a slim chance he would wake up and be the dad that I'd always hoped for.

Sitting in a chair beside his bed I started telling him about today. "I have an apartment now, so I feel extremely old. Wish you could see how much I've grown; or shrank depending on who you talk to." I laughed humorlessly. The steady beeping of his heart monitor was the only other noise in the room. "I bet my phone is full of angry texts and voicemails from everyone since I came and saw you instead of saying goodbye." Tears started welling up. "But I always found it hard to let go." I gently slipped my hand into his. "I wish you'd wake up. I don't care if you're exactly the same as you were three years ago. I just don't want to be alone." The beeping heart monitor sounded alongside my tears. I sighed. "Well, we might as well turn my phone back on. What do ya think dad?" I dug around my purse and pulled out my phone. "I really hope they aren't that mad." I switched it on and immediately there were twenty missed calls and seven messages. "Okay. Jo was the first one who text me." I clicked on her message and it opened. "Are you coming to the airport with me or driving separately?" I smiled at how polite and assuming Jo was. I knew that when I get back to the house, if she's awake, there will be no questions from her as to why I wasn't there. "Second is Zayn." I sighed. Zayn was probably the most upset out of all of them. "What? Did I do something to not deserve a goodbye? Or was it Louis again? Going to miss you! - Z." I smiled and looked over at dad who was still motionless so I moved on to the next one. "Now tell me why he would still text me." I asked my dad. "Louis said: Really wanted to see you before I left. Now I know I've been replaced. Have a happy life Nic. I love you." I threw my phone back in my purse. "Why couldn't he just leave quietly? I'm doing this for the both of us! Why can't he see that?" I crossed my arms and leaned back in my chair. "I know I still have feelings for him but that's just because I still live in his house. Once this move is final then we can both move on and have happy futures." I stated nodding my head in approval. "He'll be loved by billions of fans." I brought my legs up into the seat curling in a ball. "And like always I'll be alone." Just like I deserve.