Being Perfect

Chapter 11 - New Dreams

Chapter 11 Nichole

I woke up in my old bed and the weight of what I had done crushed me. Memories from last night flooded my mind. My head was pounding and I was already shedding the first of thousands of tears for today. Louis drove me back to Jo's last night. I yelled at him on the way home. He needed to focus on his career. I'm none of his concern anymore. It's been over for three years. "We should just pull the plug on hope for our relationship to work out as well. We've tried so hard for so long and it just hasn't happened. I'm mentally and physically exhausted from it. We both deserve stability and that's not something we can give each other." Another ripple of pain burst inside my head. I was in no mood to pack, but I knew I couldn't put it off. Rolling out of bed, I threw my hair up in a bun and took out one of the boxes from the corner. "Where to start?" I mumbled to myself.

"Maybe with breakfast?" I jumped at the sound of his voice. "I thought I heard you up so I figured you'd like some food." He gave me a small smile that I returned. He held a tray with pancakes and bacon on it. Not just any pancakes, but blueberry ones. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the smell while it lasted. As much as I wanted to give in I knew it would be a bad idea. The stress of my dad's passing coupling with bulimia would not work out. Realizing we had just been standing in awkward silence I cleared my throat.

"Thanks, but I can't." I tried to smile before refocusing my attention on packing. Pants. Pants will go first. I made my way to my closet and started taking down my pants off the shelves.

"Nichole, please. You have to eat." I shook my head still focused on packing.

"Trust me when I say I can't Louis. I really want to, but I can't." Shoving the seventeenth pair of jeans in the boxes I turned towards my closet once again.

"Will you stop acting like you're still leaving?" He said exasperated. I grabbed a bunch of shirts on hangers and laid them on my bed before going back for more.

"I am leaving. I need to move into my apartment. Wallowing in my loss will do nothing but hurt me more than I'm ready for." I removed the last article of clothing and placed it on the bed before grabbing another box. Relocating to my bed I started taking the shirts of their hangers. Louis placed the tray on the nightstand next to my bed.

"So what are you going to do once you move in and you're alone? I'm worried about you. That was a big decision. You're going to think about this all the time Nic. I know you an-"

"No you don't!" I threw what was in my hand down on my bed. "You did, but now..." He stared at me with his mouth open in shock. The silence made it hard to breathe and my hands started shaking. "You don't." I whispered before trying to fold my shirts and place them in the box. He sighed before walking over to me and grabbing my shaking hands.

"Then I'm going to learn." He whispered sincerely. The look in his eyes broke me as I fell sobbing into his arms. He pulled me closer against his body and tightened his hold on me. I hung onto the front of his shirt for dear life. With each breath my sobs grew louder and soon we collapsed on the floor in a mess of tears and lost love. And I couldn't help, but feel like this is what I needed.

*

With the last box finally unpacked I collapsed on my couch. My couch. The thought made me happy. I never thought I would make it this far. I was living, things are going to get better is what I told myself. Being independent made me seem so much more real to myself. The first week after I moved in I was still crushed by my decision and Louis found me curled in a ball on my bedroom floor. He practically lives here now. He got in a nasty fight with his rep and is staying here in England until I'm better. All the boys backed up his decision so they had no choice but to grant it. He comes over every day to 'hang out' but I know he's really just checking on me. I don't mind it though. He was right. That first week I was lonely and drowning in grief and guilt.