Being Perfect

Chapter 10 - Empty

Chapter 10 Nichole

"Miss Banks, this is a life changing decision. Are you sure you know the outcome?" I sighed and wiped my raw eyes.

"I don't have another option." I have been sitting in the hospital all day. I had three hours left until I had to say goodbye. Three hours that seem a lot longer than the twenty that I've been here for already. They're letting me stay until it's time to let him go. I've cried more today than I have in my whole life. Squeezing my dad's hand I looked up at Dr. Reyn who continued to inform me that I didn't know what I was doing. "Can I please just enjoy these last few hours with my father? I'd appreciate it." I forced a tight smile. He nodded quickly before backing out of the room. I curled up further in my chair. I thought of how I shouldn't have to make this choice and that my mom of all people should be here. I haven't spoken to her in forever it seems and I've accepted that she has abandoned the both of us. I guess I wasn't as strong as her. I know she deserves to be able to finally live and breathe without the fear of overstepping a limit and what he would do to her. I know she deserves to be happy and to be herself, but I can't help but feel cheated. She's supposed to be my mom. Leaving him when she got the chance I understand, but leaving me? What did I do? She left the life of my dad in my hands and I wasn't strong enough for this. Sobs controlled my body as another wave of exhausting tears washed over me. Two hours and fifteen minutes.

I picked up my phone and scrolled through my contacts. I really didn't need to be alone. Too many emotions were swirling around in my head to make rational decisions. I stopped scrolling at the very bottom of my contact list. He'd probably know what's going on already, but since I can't tell Lottie, he's the closest thing I have to a friend. I bit my nails while listening to the dial tone. "Nic. Are you okay?" I smiled at the obvious concern.

"Oh don't worry about me. I just needed some company." I sniffed and rolled my eyes. A partial truth is still a lie. The scary thing about lying is it's becoming easier as the days go by.

"I don't believe you, but I'll let it be." Zayn chuckled. I silently thanked him and smiled. "So why'd you call?" I looked over at my comatose father and all the machines surrounding him.

"I just needed to calm down with everything going on. Everyone seems to hate me except for you so..." I trailed off and sighed. Life has it in for me. I stretched out my legs and laid my head back on the seat.

"No one hates you Nichole." I scoffed, but let him continue. "You are an amazing person who has racked up more friends then she could ever imagine. Don't let your current situation blind you from all you have in life."

"What do I have in life? Sorrow and disappointment? Anger and hurt?" He sighed.

"Try friends and hope." I closed my eyes as a tear escaped. How could he not see that all I do is destroy things? No one ever stays. Not even myself. I run away from every hard situation and the one time I didn't flee I'm left to make decisions no daughter should ever have to. The silence between the two of us wasn't uncomfortable. In fact, I welcomed it. The beeping monitors were the only things making noise and everything else just seemed to pause.

"You know," I stopped, creating a riff in the silence, "when I was really little my mom and dad used to take my sisters and me to this park. It would always be on a Tuesday and mom would always put us three girls in matching outfits." I laughed remembering the struggle she went through to get us in them. "We hated anything that made us similar. Even back then our personalities were developed enough to know what we all would've been like today. Lana always knew what to do in any situation." I sighed and thought about what she would do if she were here. "And Torri," I smiled, "Torri was amazing. She only lived until she was three, but she was an incredible person. She knew so much about people and what they needed it was kind of creepy. But I loved them both. So much." I whispered the last part and wiped a tear off my cheek. "Anyway, I don't remember much from it. We would always swing and feed bread to the geese in the pond. That was Torri's favorite part. My favorite part was the milkshakes that came afterwards. We never passed up the chance to buy moose tracks milkshakes." I smiled and even laughed a bit before I realized the situation I was in. "The saddest thing about remembering things when you're older is you can never get it back. Whether the people are gone or the place is gone. Whatever it is, it's gone and it'll never be the same again. All the laughter and togetherness you feel, you can never get it back." I curled up in the chair and rested my head in my knees. "That memory was one of the things I held onto when I was a kid. It gave me hope that no matter what our family was going to be okay." I let out a shaky breath. "Another sad part about remembering when you're older is you have a different perspective. I always remember asking Lana what her favorite part of those trips was and even though we were young she'd smile and say 'Maybe when you're older.'" I smiled through the tears streaming down my face. "Now that I am, I know what her favorite part was. It was seeing her father love his family instead of..." The door opened and Dr. Reyn motioned for me to follow him. "I have to go Zayn." I said getting ready to hang up.