Being Perfect

Chapter 9 - Unprepared

Chapter 9 Nichole

The beeping was getting on my nerves. Come to think of it, so was the sliver of light shining directly on my eyes. I stretched and rolled over in my bed. Nothing changed with dad last night, so after an hour of putting off the inevitable I went back to Jo's. No one was awake, which I could've guessed since they had such an emotionally exhausting day. I sat in my chair by the window thinking about how my life is going to change once I move out. When I couldn't keep my eyes open I relocated to my bed where I suppose I cried myself to sleep. "Stupid Nichole." I muttered as I sat up. I probably looked like a terrible mess. Before I could do anything about the monstrosity that was my morning self, Lottie bursts through the bedroom door. Her pale blue eyes sliced right through me and instantly I regretted the unknown thing that made her look at me that way.

"Mom wants to talk to you in the kitchen." I opened my mouth to ask why, but she had already slammed the door shut. This was not going to be fun. I quickly hopped out of bed. I threw my dark hair in a messy bun and slipped into an oversized sweatshirt before making my way downstairs. Jo and Lottie were sitting at the table sipping their morning tea. A cup of coffee was placed in front of one of the chairs across from them. I assumed this spot was for me. The silence was deafening as I sat down and sipped a small bit of the exotic mixture.

"I honestly don't know where to begin." Jo sighed while Lottie continued to glare at one of the walls. The tension shifted into a sadness that was thick and suffocating. "You know, Nic, that I love you like you are my daughter? Right?" Jo looked up at me and I nodded. She shook her head. "Then why wouldn't you tell me that you're moving? That you've already got an apartment?" She sounded so heartbroken and I instantly wanted to kill Louis. He really couldn't leave things be. He always had to make them worse. "I wouldn't have hated you or banned you for leaving. I would've tried to make you stay, but..." she trailed off losing words to say.

"I felt like if I told you it would seem like I was taking advantage of everything you've done for me. I promise I was going to tell you Jo." Tears started to fill her eyes and I sat my coffee mug down.

"This is because of my son isn't it?" She assumed. I bit my lip.

"It's not completely about him." I grimaced at how unsure I sounded. "I just feel like if I leave we can all have normal lives. We won't be trying to put the past in the present." I sighed and looked over at Lottie who was still glaring at the wall only a few tears had escaped. "I'm doing what's best for all of us even if we don't see it that way right now." I jumped when Lottie stood up smacking the table.

"So that's it, huh? After three years you're just going to up and leave. Are you going to talk to us? Or are you going to cut us off like you did the boys solely because we're related to Lou?" Jo gripped her arm.

"Lottie-"

"No mom! You know it's going to happen that's why you're crying! She was family! Is family! How could you do this Nic? You weren't going to tell us! And if you were it would've been after all of your stuff had been moved out. You forgot that I've practically been your sister for three years. I know you." I couldn't disagree with a word she was saying because it was all true. Lottie angrily wiped tears from her cheeks. "I trusted you to stay. You weren't supposed to give up." She whispered. "Not on me, not on my sisters or my mom. But you definitely weren't supposed to give up on him." She looked me straight in the eye. "You were supposed to stay." And with that she left the room. I suddenly became interested in my coffee mug as the silence around Jo and I thickened.

"I'll pack up my things today and be gone by tomorrow. I'm terribly sorry Jo. I didn't mean for any of this to end this way." I slowly got up and made my way to the guest room. That's what it was. It wasn't my bedroom. I wasn't their kid. I wasn't dating Louis anymore. I had no reason to call this room my bedroom. I was a guest. Someone who was merely passing through and I'm surprised I hadn't thought of this sooner. I slowly made my way to my closet. I also realized that all I ever owned was clothes. I would have to take furniture from my old house. I also realized while packing suitcases that I was going to have to decide. The reason I couldn't afford an apartment before was because I was drowning in my father's medical bills. I couldn't have both. My eyes started watering to where I couldn't see to finish packing. "Why!" I screamed before collapsing and hitting the floor. Hot tears streamed down my cheek and I could feel the loose strands of my hair sticking to my face. I realized, in this moment, that I had made a mistake and I couldn't go back. Anger welled up in me. This was Louis' fault. If he would've kept his mouth shut. I shot up and grabbed my phone off the nightstand. I quickly punched in his number and waited. With each ring my anger grew.

"Nichole?" His voice was hopeful, but I was about to shred his image of me.

"How could you." I whispered. Rage had stolen my voice. "You told your mom, how could you?" I said a bit louder. I grew angry at myself since I didn't sound as angry as I felt. "You weren't supposed to tell her you bastard!" I viciously spat into the phone.

"What was I supposed to do, Nic? Let you become a memory to them!" He shouted.

"I would've told her! I can speak for myself! You weren't thinking of anyone besides yourself, like usual!" I took a breath trying to calm myself down. All I could hear was our strained breathing. I took one more breath before my broken voice continued. "I had purposely put the apartment off for a week. The owner said I could chose when I wanted to move in. I thought I had time. I was supposed to meet with the doctor Friday concerning my dad. The extra week at work was going to be my first payment on the apartment because dad's medical bill is due tomorrow and I didn't have the money to pay for both. I thought I had one more week with him. Now I only have a day." I rested my head against the wall. "I am going to have to pull the plug tomorrow. All because you were selfish and spoke before you knew the whole story or even a part of the story." I bit my lip to hold back a sob.

"Nic, I-, I didn't know." He said softly. I let out a shaky breath.

"I don't know why I'm saying this to you. It's not like you care." I laughed humorously. "You don't even like him." I whispered.

"Nichole. Don't do anything stupid. Please, listen to me. I'll fly back. This is just rehearsals week. I'll be back tomorrow and we can talk about the finances and bills you pay. We can work something out. You can have both. Baby, please don't make irrational-" I blocked out his pleading. I was putting off the inevitable. I could do it today and keep myself busy moving instead of mourning tomorrow. I stared out the window at the cold, pale, grey sky. I wonder what it would be like to be happy and not feel like you're dead inside and that every choice you make is the wrong one no matter how right it feels. "I'm booking a plane right now. I'll be back tomorrow morning. Please, just please-"

"I have to go down to the hospital. I'll see you sometime, maybe." I pulled the phone away from my ear.

"No! Nichole! Wait, please babe! Listen to me-" I hung up and slipped on my red vans. I sluggishly made my way downstairs and to my car. With everything going on in my mind, I still noticed how the sky had turned colder, paler. Something that, to me, resembled death.