I know who you are -Mac Coyle

Letting go

That night I hardly slept, I wish i could shut off my brain like my dads old radio back home, but instead I lay awake for about three hours until I finally had enough and thought I'd go explore this weird world that's called 2019. I slipped on my sneakers and made my way outside to grab my bike, closing the front door softly behind me. As I cycled down the lit up streets of the town I grew up in, this sense of tranquility came over me, like it does every time i cycle. It was always my way of getting away from everything at home and I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have that outlet to turn to. I alternate glances to my left and right, looking at all the posters lining the bright shop windows, most of them promoting weird products like AirPods and Apple Watches. 2019 was weirder then I thought. One poster caught my eye though.

It wasn't like the other ones. It was stuck on the outside of the shop window, like someone else stuck it there, like it wasn't really meant to be there. It was rather plain, it consisted of a black background with writing in rainbow print, spelling out the words 'love is love'. It sort of confused me for a second but the more I thought about it, the more I realised how true those three words are. Love isn't something that can be explained or described, it's just a feeling. A feeling that can be so strong it makes you do stupid things, like jumping in front of a loaded gun for example. No stop it STOP IT. I've been over this a million times in my head. Why am I different? Why! I can't be different! I'm not! I'm no-. Why's my heart breaking so fast. Suddenly my hands become sweaty and there's this tightness in my chest, like there's a tonne of bricks preventing oxygen from entering my lungs. I had to pull up next to this park bench to try get my breathing in order. I drop my bike abruptly on the tarmac and sat on the edge of the picnic bench. My shaky hands flew up to my chest, that was moving up and down far too quickly. Am I dying? What the fucks going on?

There's a sudden crash by the bushes beside me. I whip my head around with wild eyes, only to be met with Mac throwing her bike down. "Hey loser what are you doing at my house?" I couldn't even muster up the words to reply. Her house? I just stared straight ahead as tears made their way to the edge of my eyes. Great Mac of all people is gonna witness my death of a heart attack. "Hey are you alright?" Mac questions as she slowly, cautiously makes her way towards me. "Woah what's wrong? Why are you shaking and hyperventilating and shit?" "I can't—- I don't..." I try get out as a sob escapes my lips and I my head falls into my hands. Mac runs up to me and puts her hands on my knees. "Julia look at me okay? Your okay" I look up at her and into her eyes, those shiny eyes. My breathing still isn't slowing. "Hey you remember that weird kid in your home room that used to steal everyone's lunch money...Jacob evens?" I slowly nod, not really sure where she's going with this. "Yeah, yeah well guess what his house has been turned into? A laundry mat...evens Laundry!" My hands become less shaky and I can finally get some oxygen in, as a small smile creeps onto my face "and you know that old bat Mrs mad man or something" "madden" I say with a chuckle. "Whatever yeah her house is a pile of rubble" " karmas a bitch" I answer, finally breathing normally again. "It sure is" Mac says smiling, still not breaking eye contact. I clear my throat and shift in my seat as Mac stands up straight and goes to take a seat next to me.

"Thanks....for that" I speak up after a moment of silence. "It's all good....did something happen?...to make you, you know freak out like that?" Yeah I saw a poster that made me rethink my entire life. "Oh no not really....just all the changes are weird you know?" I lied. "Yeah dude I know....this used to be my shithole of a house and now it's just, nothing" I look up to the girl sympathetically. "Mac I'm really sorry" she looks up at me, and once again our eyes lock. After a few seconds I look down at my knees. "Why did you even come out here?" Mac says suddenly. I think of my response for a few seconds. "I just need to clear my head, how the other girls are sleeping soundly right now with everything that's going on I have no idea....what about you Mac? I'm surprised your not sound asleep because that heavy metal you had blasting in your ears seems like perfect sleep music"

Mac chuckles slightly before sighing. "I just....I don't know it's fucking stupid" "I'm sure it's not" Mac swallows before continuing. "I'm just hoping wherever I am out there in this fucked up world, that I made something of my life you know?...like I just want to do something that actually fucking matters and not be like my looser dad who's just too high and wasted to ever give two flying fucks about anything....even his kids" I look up from my hands and am shocked to see Mac's eyes slightly more moist than usual. "You will Mac...shit every room you walk into your respected! It's like you have this superpower of not giving a shit what people think and just doing what you want, to be honest I admire how easy it is for you to be yourself" when I glance back over at Mac she's already staring at me. Why does she make me so nervous sometimes. I just smile softly and fumble with my fingers. "Well I bet your out there with your perfect husband and kids, still living by mommy and daddy's wishes, probably with one of those wooden shitty crosses above every door in your perfect house" Mac chuckles lightheartedly and my smile falls from my face. "fuck you" it slips out before I can filter my thoughts. "Woah where the fuck did that come from!? What am i wrong?" Mac looks confused and pissed all in one. Oh here we go I'm about to explode I can feel it.

"You really think you know me so well don't you? Sure I go to church, and yes I'm religious but it's not all sunshine and fucking rainbows like you think it is alright? You can't just go around making presumptions about me AND my life! When in reality you have no fucking idea how much of a living hell it is in that house!" I stop to take a breath as a tear rolls down my cheek, Mac just sits there eyebrows furrowed. I want to scream at this point. "GOD! I hate them! I hate my parents! I can never do anything right for them! If I have the tiniest stain on my dress I get beat the shit out of!" My eyes widen. I did not just say that. I haven't even known Mac for that long. Shit what have I done. She probably thinks I'm the perfect psycho fit for my psycho family and- "beat?" I look up at Mac not even able to form words anymore. Mac reaches for my hand. "fuck Julia I'm so-"

There's a sudden crash behind us. Mac and I both jump. It's just Kj. She walks towards us slowly. "Sorry am I.....interrupting something" she says pointing between the two of us. I quickly hop off the bench and wipe the tears off my cheeks. "Nope! Not at all, I really should get going though, wanna mess with that freakishly large typey thingy old Erin owns before she wakes up" I say, making any excuse to be alone at this point. I take one glance at Mac before I leave. She's still in the same place on the bench, looking at me worriedly. I quickly grab my bike and walk with it down the street, wiping the few tears still left on my stained face away.

I'm only riding for about a minute when new tears begin to form. Soon I'm cycling back down those familiar streets sobbing my little heart out. I feel the cross chain around my necklace hit off my chest as I peddle faster. I look down at it. I'm sick of feeling confined, controlled....abused. I grasp the necklace between my fist and rip it right off my neck. Throwing it down onto the concrete. I'm so over this shit.