I Can't

Part 1

TW! Eating disorder

"Hey!" I said as Dream killed me in Minecraft.

"No offense," Dream smiled jokingly next to me.

"Okay well since Dreams being awful I think we're gonna end stream here for tonight."

"I am not being awful," Dream protested.

"Ohhh did I hurt Dreamy Boy's feelings? No offense," I smiled.

In the midst of their conversation, Dream looked at his phone to check a message. While he did that, I looked at the chat.

User783826: George is getting a bit chubby
User29283: Yea fr he needs to loose some weight
User39282: fatass

Dream looked back up from his phone to find me staring blankly at chat.

"You good?"

"Huh? Yeah, sorry," I chuckled. "I zoned out."

"Ok that it for today everyone, bye!" Dream ended the stream. "So, wanna do something? Maybe go out to eat?"

Silence burdened me. Was I getting fat? Should I go on a diet?

"George?"

"Do you think I've um, put on some weight?"

"What? Where is this coming from?"

"Dream."

"George you're perfect the way you are why are you asking?"

"Dream. Have I or have I not?"

"No George you haven't now why are you asking."

"It's nothing," I said, slumping back into my chair, thinking about what chat said.

"George, what's wrong?"

"It's just that some people in the chat were saying I was getting chubby and should go on a diet and, I don't know maybe they're right."

"What? No they're wrong. George you don't need to lose weight, you're healthy, you look great, and I mean like, really great," Dream smirked flirtatiously.

I laughed. "Yeah, you're right, sorry."

"Don't apologize. Now, wanna get something to eat? I'm starving."

"You and Sap go ahead, I'm not really hungry."

Dream looked at him. "George."

"No seriously, remember I ate before the stream?"

"Ok ok, just don't do anything stupid like starve yourself or anything because that's really dangerous okay?"

"I know, I won't. That's not what I meant when I asked if I was getting fat." I hadn't even thought of that.

"Ok good. Love you George," He winked and blew me a kiss as he left.

I laughed as he closed the door. Once he left though, all I could think about was chat. Was I seriously getting fat or was it just some kind of sick joke? I got up and went to the bathroom to look in the mirror.

I suppose my cheeks are a little chubby, but that's just how my face is, right? And my arms barely have any muscle, it's just fat... I took off my shirt and poked at my stomach. Maybe I have put on some weight. I pinched my hips in disgust. I am getting fat, aren't I? How do I get rid of this quickly? Surely the carb filled pasta I had before stream wasn't helping. But I can't undo it.

I watched Netflix till Dream and Sapnap came back, trying to distract myself.

"George we know you said you weren't hungry but we brought you food anyway," Sapnap called from downstairs. I probably shouldn't eat anything if I want to get the weight off, but I don't want to be rude.

I went downstairs and saw what they got me. They went to Chipotle, they got me a burrito.

"Thanks guys, but maybe I'll save it for tomorrow."

"It won't taste as good you know. And besides, I just realized you ate a few hours before the stream and we've been streaming for like, 3 hours. Are you sure you're not hungry?" Dream questioned.

I shouldn't have even asked him if I was getting fat because now if I don't eat it'll worry him even more. And I was hungry.

"Sure why not, I guess I could eat," I chuckled at unwrapped my burrito.

Once I finished, Dream and Sapnap were already done.

"I'm gonna go edit for a bit," Sapnap said, throwing his trash away.

"I should probably edit too, huh?" Dream questioned himself rhetorically. He grabbed a glass of water and went upstairs.

I looked at the empty burrito wrapper in disgust. Why did I eat that? I threw my trash away and went upstairs to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror. You could see how bloated I was through my shirt. I felt nauseated just looking at myself. Why did I do that? I should've come up with some other excuse. I put my hand on my stomach and examined myself from a side view. I was fat. I am fat. I feel gross. I feel bloated and nauseous and in complete disgust with myself. I wish I could undo it.

I looked at the toilet. What if I just threw everything up? It can't be that hard, especially since I'm already nauseous. I have to do something, my stomachs churning and the thought of myself.

I knelt down in front of the toilet. I stuck two fingers as far back into my throat as I could. I gagged but nothing came out. I tried a few more times but it wasn't working. I rinsed the saliva off my hands and grabbed my phone. I sat down on the bathroom floor and opened Google.

How to make yourself throw up

I clicked the first link that came up.

If you need to make yourself throw up because you consumed something you shouldn't have, call 911 and then continue reading. If you're reading this because you feel guilty about eating, stop reading. Eating disorders are dangerous and can lead to a lot of complications. Please seek help if this is you.

I kept reading anyway.

The most common method is the two fingers down your throat. Stick them as far back as you can.

Another method is to make yourself sick. Drink a bunch of water until your body can't hold it in anymore, and everything will come out with it.

This should work. I'm already nauseous at the thought of myself, so this should be quick. I took a cup from the kitchen and went back to the bathroom. I filled it up with water and gulped it down as fast as I could. I did it again. And again. And when I was halfway through my fourth cup, everything came back up. I threw up until there was nothing left in my stomach.

I brushed my teeth after and went to go see what Dream was doing.

I opened the bathroom door to find Dream sitting outside.

"Oh, hi," I said, my voice hoarse. I didn't think of that.

"Hi. Are you alright? It sounded like you were throwing up and now your voice is all raspy."

I didn't know what else to tell him, so I told him the truth. Well, somewhat.

"Yeah, the burrito didn't sit well with me I guess," I chuckled. I mean I wasn't completely lying, I did throw up. I just lied about why I threw up.

"Are you feeling any better now?"

"Yeah, a little," I lied.

"Ok. You should probably get some rest, it's getting late anyway."

"Yeah, probably."

"Goodnight George," he kissed me jokingly on the forehead and laughed.

"Goodnight Dream."

I went over to Sap and said goodnight to him too before I went to bed. I should sleep, maybe I can forget about all this tomorrow.

1226 words