The Crow & The Ghost: A Dystopian AU Simon Ghost Riley x Reader

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Prelude to the Inevitable

You had wanted it to bother you more—the killing. You had hoped, when you had first joined the Defense, that it would make your stomach turn to take someone's life. You had hoped it would keep you up at night, that you would return home and your parents would look you in the eyes and know that you weren't the same person you were the day before, but in a way where they ached for you, pitied you. You had hoped the Defense would be a miserable existence, so that you could serve your mandatory year and be out.
You had hoped to own a bookshop, once.
And now you were here. The killing had finally done its work on you, finally made you sick, finally made you feel like you had lost yourself as a person. You didn't know who you were without the violence. And that's how you finally knew that the killing did bother you after all. More than you had ever thought, than you had ever considered.
You watch Circe bat a patch of petunias with her paw as you pull your phone out of your pocket. Your eyes flick to your screen as you scroll through and find what you're looking for, bringing the phone to your ear as you let Circe peruse someone's front yard garden, several blocks away from Riley's place.
You hear your mother's voice on the other end of the line, saying your first name. "Is everything all right?"
"Sort of." You say, and Circe looks up inquisitively at the sound of your voice. You give her a small smile and she returns to her exploration. You look up and scan the street, squinting at any shadows, keeping yourself aware and on edge for Kieran in case he abandoned his plan and decided to ambush you in broad daylight.
How has my life turned into this? Afraid of Kieran attacking me?
"What's wrong, honey?" Your mom says, and she sounds genuinely concerned. You can't remember the last time you had reached out to her first.
"I..." You swallow as Circe dashes away from the garden and starts moving along down the street. "I quit the Defense."
There was silence on the phone for a few moments.
"Mom?"
"I heard you, honey." Your mom replies, and she sounds almost breathless.
You squeeze your eyes shut, wincing. "And?"
"What happened?" Is all your mother says. She doesn't shout for joy, she doesn't congratulate you, she doesn't make her relief obvious, and she doesn't shout at you for quitting your only job, she doesn't make you feel bad with the tone of her voice. For the first time in a long time, just those two words show you that your mother still cares about you, cares about the way you think, cares about the way you move through the world.
Your eyes fill with tears and the back of your throat burns. You open your eyes and look up at the sky as you amble slowly down the sidewalk, trying to clear your eyes of the tears. You let out a breath as you look down again to watch where you're going.
"Honey?" Your mom asks.
"Kieran was killed," You say, rushing the words out of your mouth with the hope that they'll hurt less. "My partner. He was made Undead and I... I just couldn't..." Your voice breaks on the words and despite all your attempts, you start to cry. Circe pauses and looks back at you, letting you stop in your tracks. She brushes her body along your legs.
"Oh, sweetheart," Your mom says. "I'm so sorry."
And you can hear that she is, that she truly is sorry, and that's enough.
You take a sharp inhale, your nose sniffling. You wipe your tears and take a deep breath. "It'll be okay," You reply. "But I just can't work there anymore. It's all too much."
"That's understandable," Your mom replies, her voice careful. "I wish I had something more eloquent to say. I'm just so sorry. I know you've worked so hard to make a place for yourself there."
And this makes you burst into tears again. Your mom says your first name again, her voice stricken with surprise and maybe a little bit of fear. When was the last time you displayed any sort of emotion for her? When was the last time she showed you any bit of compassion?
"I'm sorry," You say, your voice squeaking as you take sobbing, heaving breaths. "I'm a bit of a mess right now. Inner turmoil and all that."
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No," You breathe out, wiping your tears again. You lean down to run your hand across Circe's back. "No. I just wanted to tell you. I'm safe, trying to come up with a plan, trying to grieve. That's all. I just wanted you to know."
"Thank you for telling me, honey. Will you call me again soon? Give me an update if you need help?"
"Yeah. I will. Thanks, mom."
She says goodbye to you and you hang up. You let out a long sigh and slip your phone back into your pocket, running your hand across your face.
"Fucking Christ, Circe," You mumble, and Circe meows in response. You drop your hand and look down at her, the cat looking up at you with round eyes. "Are you ashamed that your owner is a crier now? Because I've totally become a crier. I don't think I'm going back."
Circe lets out a mrrrr-ow sound and begins walking again, dragging you along.
You try to think about what you told Riley, Keegan, and Soap to think about—the future. You try to think about what next steps are, about what jobs you can apply for, about how the fuck you can move on from this.
But your mind is blank, blank, blank. The only thing you can focus on is Circe exploring the world around her, the way her big eyes take in everything and leave no bit of the earth before her untouched.
"God, I wish I could be you." You mutter as Circe sniffs an acorn on the sidewalk. You glance around you again, but thankfully you see nobody. It's just you, Circe, and your useless thoughts.
You realize as you continue walking—and then turning around and going back the way you came when you realize you don't want to get too lost—that you can't plan for the future when your present has been ripped apart before your eyes. You wanted to have it all figured out, like you always did, but this new future just wasn't something you could conjure in your mind yet. You couldn't make the perfect rest of your life appear before your eyes. You hated to realize it, but you were going to need time. You were going to need to grieve the life you lost with the Defense, and you were going to need to grieve Kieran. You were going to need to take it day by day for awhile. Maybe you could get a job at a local retail store or restaurant until you could figure it out, because it wasn't going to be figured out just from taking a quick walk.
Even if you went to walk for a hundred miles, it still wasn't going to figure everything out. For the first time in your life, you were going to be completely up in the air, completely at the mercy of the tides of fate. And you were going to have to be okay with that.
You weren't. But you were going to have to be. That was a tough pill to swallow.
You feel a vibration in your pocket, granting you a small mercy. You fish your phone out and smile when you see the name on the screen.