i think! ★ sturniolos

𝐕𝐈 : little dreamer.

𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗧𝗟𝗘 𝖣𝖱𝖤𝖠𝖬𝖤𝖱.
# - 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐭 sturniolo
# - 𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐜𝐚𝐬𝐞 intended

⚠︎ 𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐆𝐄𝐑 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆 ::
vivid implications of
self-harm and parental
trauma. no direct
references, but mentions.

༄ 𝐒he stared blankly, and matt giggled at her.

you see, her beloved sister, kait, had whipped out an old photo album and began waving around baby pictures as if they had zero moral value. kait was laughing, and Y/N's best friends were making fun of her, and Y/N was holding back tears that were not ever there to begin with.

she surely felt like crying. but her eyes remained dry and her tear ducts refrained from doing their job, and her world felt as though it was spinning.

she felt nauseous as kait flipped the page and beamed at a picture of Y/N, smiling wide, a baby kitten in her lap.

"aww," nick gushed, pointing at it. "your hair was so fluffy!"

Y/N pretended to be enthused. she nodded and smiled at nick's observation.

"you looked so happy," chris started. "why can't you be like that now? now you're all mopey all the time."

the words fell from his mouth so smoothly, as if they had been itching to have been said months prior. Y/N felt a tangible emptiness fill what was left of her emotions.

matt sent a glare towards chris and plopped down next to Y/N on the sofa. his arm instictively fell over her shoulders.

Y/N's mind wandered and her brain filtered out every sound that wasn't her own. maybe chris was right. maybe her mom was right, taking those drugs to forget and feel lighthearted towards the act of mothering, the utter hassle of nurturing and parenthood. you know, child-baring. because a morning-after pill is just so difficult to get ahold of as a twenty-something new york times bestselling author living in hollywood.

speaking of, city lights never really were that bright to her. she no longer had to wonder why.

why can't you be like that now?
why can't you be like that now?
why can't you be like that now?

it replayed. over, and over, and over. the same sequence of words, the same touch of bitterness, the same reoccuring thoughts of disappearing and nobody caring but the withered ghost replacing her absence.

why can't you be like that now?

it quickly deteriorated to a variant of: why are you like this?

why are you you?

Y/N didn't notice that matt's hand had moved to her thigh. he must've noticed her spacing.

his thumb therapeutically drew shapes on her clothed skin, gently caressing her to let her know that he cares. a gesture he quite liked to take advantage of and use frequently, often when they were around an overwhelmingly large group of their peers.

kait left the photo album open and had went to pour everyone lemonade with the help of nick and chris. Y/N looked at her innocent young face and her insides ached to return to that state of unknowing to such extent. childlike faith is something she wished she never let go of.

the way her hair sprawled across her forehead like mindless scribbles on the back of a worksheet, and the way she knew the kitten was purring tiredly on her small legs, made her envious of her own younger being.

matt looked at her and kissed her cheek. Y/N's eyes moved from the godforsaken photo to her hands. she clutched them together.

matt took ahold of said hands. he held both of them tightly in his, and he planted a kiss on her palms, then her knuckles, then her wrists. the same wrists she had abused, tortured, years before.

god, if he knew the impact he had on her.

for the first time in a while, she cried. not much, but it was a tear; one, to be exact. one single, fat tear, rolling down her skin. the wet trail it left behind gleamed in the never-dimming light of kait's living room.

and alas, Y/N's eyes were back on the photo.

"baby?" matt said. he sounded upset and concerned. he politely set Y/N's hands back in her lap and laid his arm across her shoulders once more.

there was a long pause.

"where did that girl go?" Y/N wondered aloud.

matt reached over her and pushed the photo album off of the coffee table. as it fell out of sight, Y/N swore she felt a muscle twitch within her, aching to grab it and tell matt off for stripping her of such a vulnerable memory.

"she's right here," matt replied quietly. he kissed her forehead. "she's right here, Y/N."

Y/N was about to begin a long, drawn-out speech of rebuttal, and matt easily predicted that - so he did the next best thing.

he kissed her.

she melted into him, and he hugged her. the kiss was short-lived, but it did its job: got Y/N's mind off of things and gave matt that same lovesick feeling he always gets when he kisses her. win-win in his book.

"okay, that was cute and all, but we have lemonade, so.."

"oh, fuck off, chris."

☆

" IM JUST A FACE HIDDEN
BEHIND COLORS THAT
HAVE NOT YET BEEN
DISCOVERED. "

- 𝙼𝙴 (𝙴𝙻𝙻𝙸𝙾𝚃𝚃)! ;
𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐓𝐋𝐄 𝐃𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐑.