Before You (BY: Book 1)

Her Story

Stef's POV

Wow, I had really lost my mind this time. My brain is so fucked up by now that I can't think straight. I have all those voices into my head, the pastor's voice, my father's voice, even Lena's voice now, and I don't know what to believe.

I want with everything in me to believe Lena, for what she said really make sense, it really does. Never I would find Brandon wrong or not normal if he was gay. And never I felt like Lena should be ashamed for being gay.

So why on earth am I feeling ashamed for desiring her? Why do I feel so dirty and guilty for wanted to kiss her?

When my dad made me sit in that church with his pastor, because he caught me cuddling on the couch with my best friend, I was so confused. I didn't understand what I did wrong, I wasn't doing anything, she was just my best friend, we were just watching a movie. Yes, we were close, but there was nothing more than friendship between us. Nothing ever happened. Yes, it hurt like hell when she was dating but I never think much about it, I never thought for one second, at just sixteen, that I was attracted to her, I just enjoyed being with her that's all.

But my dad didn't see it like that. Oh, he didn't. He thought the worst of me immediately, he forbit me to see Tess again, or hang out with her, and after the humiliation I felt when he threw her out of the house, I was embarrassed to even look at her. Then, he sent me to church, every Sunday I had to go to mass with him, and once a week I was forced to go see pastor Jeff.

He would make me sit very close to him and talk to me for hours. I was petrified, I was scared and so ashamed. He would say to me that homosexuality was a sin, that the demon took over my body and that he was going to heal me and get all those dirty and unhealthy thoughts out of my head.

He said that if I allowed myself to be gay, if I chose to be with a woman, I would never have a family, I would never be happy, and I would only bring shame and disappointment to my parents. He said that my potential attraction for girls was the test that God had put in my path, that to be worthy of his love, of my dad's love then I have to past the test and win the fight against myself before the devil takes over.

Every time he prayed on me, he would make me repeat again and again and again, what was in the bible. He made me say out loud that if I have sexual thoughts about women that I would go to hell. At this time, I had never ever even had any sexual thoughts about anyone. But to them it didn't matter, to them I was just sick, it was just a matter of willingness and loyalty to God.

Finally, when I left home at the age of twenty-one, I stop going to church, I stop the reunion with paster Jeff and just try to move on with my life. I dated and slept with men that I didn't love to prove that I was normal, that I was worthy of my dad's love. When I introduced him to Mike, I immediately get his approval, he welcomed Mike instantly and even push him to ask me to be his fiancée.

Mike was nice, and we get along, so I said yes. We would sleep together and have sex; Mike would moan and cum as I was there felling nothing. I wasn't disgusted, it didn't hurt, Mike was gentle with me, and tried his hardest to please me, but I couldn't feel anything at all.

I tried, harder and harder but it was useless. I end up resign to make noises to make him think that I was enjoying it because I couldn't take any more disappointment on Mike's face when he wasn't getting any reaction from me.

I would often drink to be able to fake and take it and then when I get pregnant, I had no choice but to married Mike. I was feeling guilty for not loving him as much as I should, but I tried with everything in me to make things good and be happy.

The only true joy I felt was when I hold my little baby in my arm for the first time. From that day I thought, yeah, they were right, I'm not gay, and that's why I had the blessing to get my son. But why was I still feeling like something was missing? Why was I still feeling not like myself?