The Cascading Waves of Caden Lee

17

CADEN LEE

The parties in full swing by the time I make my way inside. A few people clap me on the shoulder, tousling my hair and shoving me good-heartedly. I took a few hits while in the car, which may make me a bad person. Driving high and all that, but the feeling that I had once thought was finally fading away is back more than ever. I can feel the knife-sharp claws dig into my chest, my shoulders, my mind.

I don't feel here. But why live as a ghost when you can feel the most alive you've ever felt? When it's just so easy, swipe the cartridge from your pocket, and with each and every inhale you take you can feel your worries slowly creep away. Gone with the vapor that escapes your mouth.

But lately, it hasn't felt like enough. Like I need something more...strong. That I need not to be careless, but mindless. To forget.

"Hey, Cade! We were wondering when you were gonna show up!" Asher's short figure wades its way through the crowd of disorderly teens. Joseph right behind him. Their presence is enough for me to snap back into reality, to digest my own words. I can't seriously be considering that, can I? No, that's stupid. Careless. Dangerous.

I'd never do that.

"My GPS kept leading me to the wrong house," I explain with a laugh, "wanna go get drinks?" They enthusiastically nod their heads and we shove our way to the kitchen. There are beer cans gathered onto the stick-coated marble countertop, and though I'd rather have a shot; vodka, or tequila preferably, I can make do. Alcohol is alcohol.

Joseph and Ash crack open their cans, us all clinking them together mockingly. Joseph takes a long gulp, not even a hint of disgust etched onto his face. He's always been a beer-lover. Or as I like to think, a stone-cold Psycho.

"You invited Scarlett, right?" Ash murmurs, voice just barely audible over the pounding bass of the room. Swallowing down the murky taste of my beer, I grimace and nod. "Do I look okay? I mean, I didn't really know what to wear and I have no sense of style...But my hair looks fine, right? I-" They book exchange a secretive look, the glint in their eyes troubling; wearing matching side smirks.

"You look great Caden, really." Asher laughs, Joseph giving me a thumbs up as he downs the rest of his beer; an ungodly burp emerging soon after that causes us all to fall into hysterics.

"We're too focused on me, anything new going on with you guys?" I ask after calming down, a serene smile set onto my lips. They exchange yet another look I cannot read, seeming to have a conversation between their eyes before Joseph clears his throat and let's put a strangled, "No."

I falter, "Well that's not suspicious at all, you sure?" Pushing them to answer. There's so obviously something going on, with the way they won't look each-others way and how Asher has a slight pink tint to his cheeks. It's not really hot in here, is it? Though I guess with how packed it is, it has to be producing some mega body heat.

They both nod quickly, eager to move the conversation along and I oblige with a raised brow. They'll tell me when they're ready. Whatever it is.

"Scarlett! I didn't think you'd come!" Leah's slurred voice echoes from the foyer, her arms spread wide open as she goes in for a hug. Scarlett laughs with a nod and assures her that she would have told her if she knew sooner; that it was a last minute decision. Is she saying that because of me? Did she only agree to go because I asked her? That sounds egotistical, but now that I think about it, she's been absent from parties for the past few months. Whatever, it's none of my business anyways.

I just hope she comes and says hi, otherwise me gathering up the courage to ask her would have been for nothing. I sent a heart and all, extremely unusual for me but it just felt right to do so with her. And besides, she did it too. I'm sure it was meant with friendly intentions, I need to stop over-thinking my every moment with her. It's not healthy.

I tear my gaze from the two, glancing back just in time to see Asher look between me and her with a suggestive raise of his eyebrows. I deadpan, shaking my head forcefully before asking if they wanted another drink. Another two nods and I head my way back towards the kitchen, this time grabbing the bottle of tequila and disposing it into three solo cups. My eyes glance around for some sort of mixer; as these aren't shots and I'd rather have something to dull the burn of tequila coating my throat.

I end up finding a half-empty fruit mixer, pouring a considerable amount into each cup before I squeeze a lime into each cup. This is making me feel like a bartender, future job potential or what?

Feeling proud of myself, I push my way through a group of girls, briefly apologizing before I catch sight of the two again. Handing Ash and Joseph their drinks of my creation, I take a lengthy sip and inwardly pat myself on the back. It tastes good, disgusting the taste of tequila just enough to be bearable for three high-school students. Their faces show signs of appreciation too, taking much more greedy sips than the beers. I feel strangely flattered, I didn't know my drinks were good enough to surpass Joseph's beer obsession. Damn.

The more I drink the more I feel my mind start to slow; my limbs loosen. But it's not enough, and with this revelation I knock my head back and chug my drink like my life depended on it. I head surprised noises from the two, but I ignore them in favor of heading back and making myself another drink. I wouldn't call myself a lightweight, but not necessarily a heavyweight either. After three drinks is when I start to get a little disoriented.

But on my way to the kitchen I notice something; a guy, who looks to be in college. He has brown wild hair and blue eyes, discreetly slipping a miniature baggy into a girls pocket as she exchanges a few $20 bills to him. Her walking away, him acting as if he hadn't just done what he had done.

And I'm not stupid.

I saw the pills. I did.

And if that didn't tempt me like a kid in a candy shop, I'm not sure what else would. Because I find my hungry gaze focus on the bag he's carrying around, my gaze almost reaching X-Ray as lasers seem to shoot in pinpoint beams from my eyes to the bag.

And I make a decision I would come to regret for the rest of my life.

Not like I knew that then, though.

I begin to move towards him, the only thing running through my mind consisting of three words.

Not strong enough.

And my feet stop abruptly, and the guy notices me, and we make eye contact. And he seems to know exactly what I came for by the knowing smile that grows onto his face. He reaches into his bag, discreetly flashing a bag of capsule-shaped white powdery pills, "Hydro's, $15 per pill," he whispers, seeming to catch the way my eyes flicker towards the bag curiously.

And I want to say that I said no. That I looked at him with a firm shake of my head and denied his advances. Walked away for him to never be seen again. Or that I just wasn't thinking straight, that there was a heavy slur to my words or that my head was just screwed on wrong.

But I did none of that.

There was no slur to my words; sway to my feet. I could still see my surroundings clear as day and could still stare at the bag with utmost hesitation. I could still hand him the crumpled dollar bills and kneel onto the wooden floor, hover over the wooden surface.

And I watched him crush the white pills into a fine powder; create fine lines.

And I offered no protest when he handed me a rolled-up dollar bill and gestured for me to take the first hit. I only leaned forward, pressed the tip just barely over the powder, and sniffed. Until there was only powder dusted onto the surface and an unbearable burn in my nostril.

My regret was only an afterthought, brief and heavy before the catastrophic waves of pleasure hit me.

Worries now forgotten, swept away into the deepest parts of my subconscious. Temporarily hidden behind a veil of euphoria until the next morning. When my feet hit the ground, and I find myself craving the feeling of flight. For my soul to levitate above all else.

To never feel the surface of the earth ever again.