Reckless

Chapter 13 Part 5

Present Day

Character POV: Roxanne

A tear slides down my cheek at the memory, and I quickly bat it away. There's no use crying over the past. Everyone who has access to Google today knows how that story ended. The many gods did not come to the rescue of my sister, just as I didn't. Maybe they figured that if I didn't think her life was worth risking my own over, then why should they make a move to help her? It doesn't matter. The past is in the past. What's done is done. I made a choice, and like Analize warned, it could not be undone.

The aches in my body caused by withdrawal are more terrible at this point, but that doesn't take away from the truly agonizing pain in my right leg. It's a sharp, stabbing pain coupled with a dull ache that makes my leg throb in time to each beat of my heart. I reach down and try to massage my leg, trying to dull some of that pain as best as I can with my shaking hands, but not really being able to enact any meaningful changes in my current condition. I sigh with irritation, overwhelmed by the past and the present with the current pain that I am in exacerbating everything and making me more emotional than I would ordinarily be. But, I haven't been sober for centuries, so who knows how emotional I would ordinarily be. Soon, I'll be having rebound anxiety and all of those fun resurgences of emotion that come once all of the masking agents have been removed.

Zahra walks back into the room carrying two spice containers and walking back towards her kitchen. She spares me on long look before she turns her back to me and says over her shoulder, "You know, if you actually bought and used a cane, it would help with the pain in your leg. You could relieve some of the weight off of your bad leg. It won't fix the damage, but it will help you to reduce your pain and live a more normal life."

I shake my head to myself as I settle deeper in the cushions of the couch. I grit my teeth against all of the pain and shaking as I tell her in an attempt at sounding okay, "That's alright. I've learned how to live with it. I've fought in actual battles with this leg and survived. Sometimes life comes with pain. This is a pain I've learned to deal with."

She turns more in my direction as she stirs the pot with the lamb in it and says to me, "You're being self-ableist. We both know that you need a cane. I also know that, now that you're no longer filling yourself full of anything you can get that takes any sort of pain away, you're going to feel your injury more acutely. This is just you being afraid to appear different, because different in your mind makes you feel weak. So, you'd rather walk around in pain all of the time, forcing yourself to as limp-free as you can than to have anyone take notice of anything about you that makes you feel weak."

I feel myself clench my jaw as her words sink in. Part of me knows that she's right, that a cane would make this a little better, but there's also something about her words that is wrong. If I have a cane, there will inevitably be people out there who think that I am weak for having it. They'll mark me as a cripple, as someone who is more easily taken advantage of. The nefarious elements of society will mark me and then seek me out as an easy target. I learned my lesson about giving away parts of yourself that are different to other people-- how they can take that, warp it, and use it as a weapon to trap or hurt you further.

She stands there, staring me down as she waits for me to say something that she can use to drive her point home further. The same parental tone she used is so similar to the way Zebulun suggested the same thing that I can't help myself as I tell her, "You know, you're the second person to recommend that I get a cane in the last couple of days." My tone is icy even as I try to make pleasant conversation with her.

Zahra smiles at me with a hint of victory shining from her eyes as she continues to stir the pot of some sort of stew. "Well, you would think that someone as smart as you would have learned to listen to good counsel centuries ago. I guess that just goes to prove that even the smartest people can be utterly dumb sometimes." She turns away from me as she continues to work on dinner, and I sag back into the cushions as a comfortable silence descends between us.

I say something else, just trying to work on staying warm despite the chills that are wracking my body. I'm so busy trying to tune out all of the misery that my body is in that I don't really notice that Zahra has approached me until she is tapping me on the shoulder with her finger to get my attention. I jolt back into being aware of my surroundings, my heart leaping into my throat before I settle down upon seeing that it's just Zahra extending her hand to me. In her hand are two small pills. When I arch a brow at her, she drawls snidely, "Don't get excited. It's just over the counter, non-addictive pain medicine. It'll help with the swelling and pain in your leg. It won't knock it out completely, but it should make it bearable," she adds, and I sigh through my nose as I reach out and take it from her hand. She then hands me a simple glass of water with her other hand, and I take that as well. "Something to swallow it down with. Also, you need to stay hydrated." She turns her back to me, and I take the medicine and drink down the water as requested, before settling back into the couch and closing my eyes again. Before long, I'm drifting off into sleep, trying my best to rest after so many hard days lined up one after another.