Ambivalence

The Oath We Make

Camila

"How long will she be like this?" I asked Dr. Seo, watching as Lauren stitched up an old woman's arm in the ER. For the last 96 hours, I wasn't even sure if she had really eaten anything. She was basically living at the hospital.

Dr. Seo bit into his apple, leaning against the wall. His pink hair was now back to black and in a half ponytail. "It depends. If you haven't noticed, Lauren doesn't handle death well. She thinks just because she's a doctor, she can save everyone if she's just a little better. When she and I were interns, we lost an older man. He came in with his son after they had been in a car accident. His son appeared more hurt, so Lauren focused on him, not realizing the boy's father was bleeding internally. It wasn't her fault; his son really was hurt. After the man died, Lauren barely ate or even left the hospital for a month. She only slept because her mother threatened and swore she would bar her from the hospital. So she made a makeshift bed in the on-call room. No one else dared sleep in it, either."

"What can I do for her?" She looked like a ghost...worse than she had after Keana.

"Wait for her to move on again? For as long as I've known her, nothing else works. Some big save snaps her out of it, but who knows how long she's going to be like this. It's weird when she doesn't insult me back." He pouted.

I snickered. "You are a sucker for pain, aren't you, Ian?"

He winked, then got a page. "I have to go. I'll see you later. Don't stress too much about it, all right?"

Easier said than done.

Nodding, I waved, glancing back to Lauren , who was on to the next patient, changing her gloves as she rolled over.

She nodded and smiled at the patient, but even then,

she still looked dead.

I wanted to grab the sides of her face and scream at her, wake her up. But, did I really have the right to? I thought of Molly and Toby...I wondered if her getting over it would be right.

Turning back, I left her and headed to the mural wall. I was finally done with it and was supposed to reveal it that day, but I felt like there was a dark aura around the hospital. I wanted to wait until everyone was in a better mood.

"Mila!"

"Ari?" I said when she came close, dressed in a white and black polka dot dress, pink coat, and sunhat. "Nice outfit."

"Oh, don't start with me." She took my arm, locking it under hers and heading toward the curtain. "I came to see your masterpiece. Are you giving a speech?"

"I hate public speaking."

"You keep saying that, but you've always been good at it," she replied, taking a seat in front of it. "And what's wrong with the outfit? Is it the hat?"

I laughed when she took it off and strands of her red hair stood up. Brushing it down for her, I shook my head. "No, you look fine. Lauren told me, as a rich person, I can no longer be prejudiced against the rich."

"I've been saying that for years. I guess it just had to come from your sex—"

"Don't finish that sentence."

"I was going to say sexy girlfriend." She ignored me, looking around. "Where is the good doctor, anyway? I haven't been able to give her my best friend stamp of approval yet."

"Working. Did you get this dressed up for me?"

"Sadly, no. We are going to the Hamptons tonight. One of these days you really have to go, Mila. It's so beautiful living right off the beach."

"You lived off the lake in Cypress."

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, that was nice, but I'm telling you, the Hamptons have a sense of romance to them. Have your doctor girlfriend take you."

"She's working."

"So you aren't taking her to go meet your parents?" She frowned. "I heard about your dad's heart attack. Why didn't you tell me?"

"For me to tell you, someone was going to have to tell me." I was still annoyed about that. "My mom and dad decided not to 'worry me' and apparently he is 'fine now, Mija. ' They have been driving up the coast. They should be home by Wednesday, and I hoped to fly in on Saturday, but..."

"But?"

I sighed. "What do you do when Nathaniel is dealing with something hard? I mean, he dealt with things on his own before you were in his life, but now that you are with him, you should do something, right? Not just let him work it out?"

She thought about it for a moment, then shrugged. "It depends. When it's family issues, I just tell him I'm there if he wants to vent, and then try to be around as much as possible, just kind of waiting. When he's really not in the mood, I make him dinner and get him drunk. Sex usually follows, and after that, I can't get him to shut up."

I laughed, shaking my head at her. "Man have you changed, Ari. Remember when you said you would never kiss a boy?"

"Remember when you said you were going to marry Harry Styles, then Ryan gosling?" She elbowed me. "And then who was it you wanted to marry after that... Prince , you really liked Prince ."

"I would have made an amazing princess, thank you. It even sounds nice: Princess Camila of Cambridge," I said, slowly stretching it out for her sake.

"Safe to say, neither of us was in the right frame of mind."

"I can agree with that." I laughed, looking toward the curtain. "If I asked her to come with me, do you think she would?"

"Only way to find out is to ask. Now, what are you going to wear?"

She was so helpful.

Lauren

"He's suing me," I said softly, standing behind the chairs of her office.

My mother nodded. "He's grieving, Lauren . He doesn't know who else to blame. I looked at the chart. I spoke to almost every neurosurgeon in this hospital. You did everything right."

"Then why?" I snapped. "If you do everything right, everything by the book, why does this still have to be the ending? That man has no one else left."

"It's not your fault!" She stood up, placing her hand on my face. "Sweetheart, I've told you this before: you can't save everyone. You aren't God. They come in broken, and we do the best we can as humans, with everything we have to fix them, and sometimes it still isn't enough. You didn't kill her. You aren't the reason his family is gone. That is not your doing."

Sighing, I nodded. I knew she was right, but it still didn't help.

Taking a step away from me, she grabbed her coat. "You are going to take a week off."

"Mom—"

"You are being sued, Lauren . No matter how unjustified, the lawyers will handle it. But you can't be here like this. Look at yourself. I'm saying this as the chairwoman: you need to go and get your head on straight, Lauren . Don't stay here. Don't see patients, because if you slip up in this state in any way, everything will be ten times worse."

"What am I going to do for a week, Mom?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. take a shower, eat, sleep, talk to your girlfriend."

"You know—"

"Of course I know. Just because I'm your mother doesn't mean I'm blind. I could tell the moment it changed and you two weren't pretending to fight anymore. Have you spoken to her since?"

I said nothing.

"So for all you know, she might not even be your girlfriend any more."

I sighed, not really wanting to have this conversation.

"Did you know she was done with her mural? I'm heading to see it now. Or did you forget that the world keeps spinning, even when you stop?" She opened the door. "You coming or not?"

"I'm coming," I muttered, holding the door for her to walk out. In all honesty, I hadn't realized Camila was done. She had kept trying to meet up with me, talk with me, but I'd pushed her away. I wasn't ready to feel better yet.

"Well, isn't this a production," my mother said, glancing around at the doctors, nurses, a few well-enough patients, and even some press.

Camila stood in front of them, gripping her hands together tightly, her nervous habit. She had changed into a simple pink skirt and black V-neck shirt, her hair pulled into a braid on one side.

She looked Beautiful. She had put in a lot of effort, even wearing makeup. When she saw my mom she nodded to herself, and then her eyes shifted to me and she smiled before facing the rest of the crowd.

"Thank you all for coming. For many of you, I know the chairwoman didn't really give you a choice," she said, getting a few laughs.

My mother only crossed her arms, eying those who laughed.

"When she first asked me to paint this mural, I honestly had no idea where to begin. So, I wandered the halls of the hospital, sometimes noticed, but for the most part not so much, because everyone had eyes only for the patients. And being doctors, isn't that what you want? In the weeks I've been here, many have gone, sometimes happily and sometimes on sad terms. The people who remained no matter what were the doctors. I hope this serves as a reminder of the promise you all have made, and how thankful we are for it." She spun around, nodding to the people above the curtain.

It came down in one swift motion and left us all speechless. She had drawn patients at different points on the wall with the background of a park, the older ones in wheel chairs and another with a cane resting on a park bench, teenagers listening to music, parents holding their children, all of them coming from the far distance. At the corner of it all, from top to bottom, was the Hippocratic Oath, which explained why she had needed my textbook. My mother, myself, and the rest of us could not help but read again:

"I swear to fulfill, to the best of my ability and judgment, this covenant: I will apply, for the benefit of the sick, all measures which are required, avoiding those twin traps of overtreatment and therapeutic nihilism.

 I will remember that there is art to medicine as well as science, and that warmth, sympathy, and understanding may outweigh the surgeon's knife or the chemist's drug. I will not be ashamed to say "I know not," nor will I fail to call in my colleagues when the skills of another are needed for a patient's recovery. 

I will respect the privacy of my patients, for their problems are not disclosed to me that the world may know. Most especially must I tread with care in matters of life and death. If it is given me to save a life, all thanks. But it may also be within my power to take a life; this awesome responsibility must be faced with great humbleness and awareness of my own frailty.

 Above all, I must not play at God. I will remember that I do not treat a fever chart, a cancerous growth, but a sick human being, whose illness may affect the person's family and economic stability. My responsibility includes these related problems, if I am to care adequately for the sick. I will prevent disease whenever I can, for prevention is preferable to cure. I will remember that I remain a member of society, with special obligations to all my fellow human beings, those sound of mind and body as well as the infirm. If I do not violate this oath, may I enjoy life and art, respected while I live and remembered with affection thereafter. May I always act so as to preserve the finest traditions of my calling and may I long experience the joy of healing those who seek my help."

"Thank you all for allowing me into your hospital, and thank you to the students and the NYU art department for your help; I couldn't have done it without you," she said to them as we all clapped.

My mother walked over, wrapping her arms around her. People called to her for photos and press work. The more her attention was divided, the more jealous I became, because they all had the chance to congratulate her and shake her hand before me. She was amazing and talented and So Fucking beautiful, and I just wanted to hold her and tell her that.

"You aren't thinking about walking through the crowd and kissing her, right?" Ian came over to me, pulling off his K-POP scrub cap.

"And if I was?" He looked back toward me like he was impressed, even leaning back.

"Welcome back, Dr. Jauregui. I wasn't expecting you to return from the dark side for another few days. I guess all you needed was a GP boost."

"A GP boost?"

"Don't pretend like you don't know whose initials those are. Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to go take a selfie in front of the mural." He smiled, walking past me.

"You're an idiot."

"You love me anyway!" He put up a peace sign as he walked.

Shaking my head at him, I stayed in my spot. I would wait until the crowd was gone and the excitement went down, and then I would go to her. For the moment, I was more than happy to just watch her shine.


Camila

I felt like I had been smiling and getting blinded by flashes forever, but watching a few patients take photos in front of the mural made up for it all. I sat down, staring up at it, practically amazed with it myself. Not really the painting, but with the oath on it. I felt like whoever read it would really believe in the love affair between art and science. Both were in each other, really.

"Is this seat taken?"

Looking toward her, I shrugged. "My Girlfriend might beat you up."

She snickered. "Your Girlfriend does deserve to have her ass handed to her for pushing you away, and for yelling at you in the rain. It's only romantic if the kiss comes afterward, right?"

She was trying to joke, but I could tell she didn't find it funny.

"I'm sorry, I was just upset about—"

"I know," I finished for her. "At first I was confused and upset, then I heard, and the first thing I wanted to know was if you were okay...well, that's a lie. I wanted to know if Toby was okay, though I knew he wouldn't be. But I was worried about you, too."

She laughed, taking my hand, holding it in her and kissing the back of it. "I'll be fine. Toby, he's in pain. Will be for the rest of his life. I just need to remember there will be more Molly's, and to try harder to help them in the future."

"In the future, will you tell me more?" I asked softly. "I know I can't understand everything, but I would hate if you felt the need to give me a censored version of what your day is really like. You've never talked about your work in detail to me before."

"I'll try, but the reason I don't say much is because when I'm with you, I like that I forget about everything else."

"Then do you have time to run away with me?" It sounded so cheesy saying it like that. From the look on her face, I could see she agreed.

"Run away with you?"

"That came out wrong. Actually, no. It came out right. My father had a heart attack a few weeks ago and didn't tell me. So I want to go home, and was kind of hoping you would go with me...if you want."

"When did you find out? About your father, I mean."

"The same day Molly passed. A lot of things happened. If you don't want to go, it's fine. I just thought I would offer, but you have work—"

"I'll go," she said, squeezing my hand. "Let's run away to Cypress."