Ambivalence

Much Ado About Nothing (Smut)

"TW: suicide" but it also contains smut so...


Lauren

I felt like I had been at the hospital forever. My whole body ached, and I was more than ready to just relax with Camila. However, when I got off the elevator, I noticed the person waiting at my door was Chris.

He leaned against the wall, looking down at his feet.

"Chris, I'm really busy tonight, you are—"

"I need to talk to you," he said seriously, his hands in his pockets. "I'm sure after you hear it, I'm not going to be here long."

"Chris? What is it?" I put my things down, giving him my full attention.

He took a deep breath, looked at me, and then dropped his head again. "I dropped out of medical school today."

It was like he had pushed me in front of a moving train. "I'm sorry, you what?" I asked slowly.

He nodded. "I dropped out of medical school—"

"Have you lost your damn mind?" I yelled. "What do you mean, you dropped out? You have the highest grades in your class, I spoke to your professor a week ago!"

"I don't want to be a doctor, Lauren!" he hollered back at me. "I've been trying to figure out how to tell you this for...years."

"I can't believe you are saying this right now. Where is this coming from? Chris—"

"That's right, me! It's coming from me, Chris, your younger brother. I don't like hospitals, Lauren. I don't like sick people. I don't want to save people's lives with a scalpel, and I don't want to be like you or Dad. I'm not—"

"Then what do you want? Huh? You seem to have yourself all figured out, big kid, so tell me, what are you going to do with your life?"

"I want to make music."

God help me. Turning away, I tried to find words, tried to keep calm, but I could feel my pulse quickening at the side of my neck. "Please tell me you are messing with me again." I finally managed to say. "Please tell me this is just some stupid joke."

"It's not stupid or a joke. It's what I want to do. I've already met with a record label and was asked to tour, and I'm going in a week."

"Like hell you are—"

"Lauren, maybe you don't get it, but I'm sick and tired of waiting and hoping for your blessing! I'm an adult. I'm able to make this choice on my own, and I've made it." He walked around me, back to the elevator.

"So what, you are just going to throw away all your hard work? Drop everything and go sing for a living?"

"Yes, and the only reason the work was so hard was because I hated it so much. I did it because I wanted my big sister to be proud of me. I wanted her to be happy, because I knew she did everything in the world for me growing up to make up for the fact that I never knew my father. You taught me how to play Softball and soccer. You went to NYU, even though you got into the best schools in the country, because you wanted to be near me and Mom. Even after we told you we were fine, you still only chose Yale for medical school so you could drive home every few days to be with us. You've always taken care of us, and I wish I wanted the life you want for me. I really do. I wish I wasn't letting you down right now, but I'm not like you, Lauren. I can't live my life for other people. I just can't." He got into the elevator.

I wasn't even sure what to say. Grabbing my stuff and entering my apartment, I was tempted to go back after him. He was throwing his life away. Why didn't he see that?

Taking an aspirin, I lay down on my couch, trying to breathe and get a hold of myself, but my headache would not stop.

Camila

I waited until about ten before I finally worked up the courage to knock on her door.

It took a while, but she finally opened it, wearing the same clothes she'd worn to work that morning, only more rumpled. Her eyes widened as she stared at me, and then down at her watch. "Karla, I'm so sorry!" She put her forehead on the back of the hand holding the door.

"Can I come in? I brought Chinese." I lifted the bag for her to see.

She tried to smile. "Karla, I'm in an awful mood—"

"I know. I heard you and Chris. I'm sure the whole building heard you and Chris. I was just going to let it go and pretend I didn't hear anything if you called. But then I felt like I was lying. I was looking forward to spending time with you so, bad mood or not, I'm here with food."

She moved aside for me to enter.

I walked to the kitchen, putting the bag on the counter and pulling everything out. "I wasn't sure what you wanted, so I kind of got one of everything that sounded good. Ari swears by the place, so I—what?" She was just staring at me when I turned around.

"Nothing. I'm just a little annoyed with myself for falling asleep, and you went through all this trouble. I'm sure you overthought everything, from ordering the food to coming over here," she replied, moving to get plates.

"I wasn't overthinking. Wondering what to get is a valid concern. You eat mostly healthy anyway, so I wasn't even sure about Chinese. But it's better than pizza, right?"

She snickered, shaking her head at me. "Chinese food is worse for you, but it's all right, I'll eat anything."

I should have gotten pizza!

"And now you're thinking you should have gotten pizza." She laughed, dishing out the food for us both.

"Stop doing that."

"Stop making faces and I wouldn't be able to know. Rice or noodles?"

"Always rice," I said.

Her eyes paused on the small gift I had brought over as well. It was wrapped in plain brown paper from my apartment.

I saw her reach for it,