Ambivalence

Mistake or By Design

Lauren

Not just for hurting me, but for hurting Lauren .

Her words repeated in my mind as the driver held open the car door for us at our apartment. She hadn't even argued with me, just got in the car and didn't say a word or even look at me during the drive. She kept her head down in the elevator, and when we reached our floor, she slowly walked to her door.

I don't want it to end like this.

She unlocked the door, and I pulled it closed behind her. "Say something," I whispered.

She didn't turn around.

"Karla, please say something. Anything."

"Lauren, I'm tired. Please let it go."

"She said he's still in love with you. Will you go back to him if he calls?" I didn't know why I asked, but I just knew I had to. I couldn't let it go.

"Do I look that desperate?"

She still wouldn't face me. "I don't know how you look right now. Turn around and ask me again."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"Because you are confusing me."

"I feel the same."

Her hand tightened on the doorknob. "We've had too much wine. Let's call it a night, Lauren."

"All right. If that's what you think it is." I let go of her door, waiting for her to head inside.

But, she didn't. She just stood there.

"Why are you confused?" she asked, finally turning. "When you say things like that, it comes off like-"

"Like I like you?" I said, and it felt like a relief to say. "Maybe it's because I've talked to you more than anyone else. Maybe because I was heartbroken after Keana, and you could see right through me, and it didn't seem like a big deal anymore. Maybe it's because you make my whole family seem brighter. I don't know what it is. I don't know how I got here. One moment you were just that other woman who got hurt too, and then you were Karla. Funny, weird, talented, beautiful Karla, and I'm thinking about how you smell like rain, and whether you've eaten. I don't know how it happened, all I know is that I'm thinking about you, and not just like a friend."

"Keana is-"

"Not my problem. Nor is she yours. I really don't want to spend right now talking about them; we've done that. I want to talk about you and me, and this thing between us." I took a step forward.

She took a step back until her back was against her door.

"Tell me, Karla. Am I crossing a line? Am I the only one going down this road?"

"We will hurt each other, Lauren. This is just going to be a rebound-"

"I'd rather get hurt a dozen times, remember? Or was that just talk?"

"Laur-"

"I'll ask again, Karla : am I mistaken? Am I the only one who feels something here?"

She looked to the side and shook her head.

"You have to say it." I needed to hear the words.

She licked her lips, took a deep breath, and looked me square in the eye. "No. Happy? I've been trying to tell myself we are just friends, but I keep...I keep hoping to see you, and talk to you, and be around you...you are slowly taking up all the space in my head, and I-"