Ambivalence

Love Me Enough To...

Camila

Later didn't come for two days. Every time I tried to talk about it, my eyes would start to burn and I would break down again. Ariana and I sat on the beach, thunder's head on my lap as the sun rose over the horizon. She handed me the chocolate bar, and I broke myself off another piece.

"She called me," she whispered. "Lauren. She called last night, wanting to know if I had spoken to you. She sounded like she was—"

"Please don't," I begged, brushing Thunder's fur. "Each time I think of her, I think of Keana, pregnant. If I stayed in her life then I would be jealous, and upset, and...forced to see Keana as long as Lauren wanted to be with me. I just see myself getting hurt, and hurting her in return."

On top of the fact that I wasn't even sure if I wanted kids, let alone being step-anything to anyone.

"So you are never going to speak to her again? It's not her fault, Mila."

"I know. I know it's not her fault. All of this was before me, but it doesn't change the fact that she's going to be a Mother, or is one already. I don't see any room for me. There is no room for me in her life. It's neither of our fault, but I can't; I don't want to spend my life waiting on the sidelines, hoping one day it will be just us." I tried to laugh, but my voice cracked. "Remember how I said Nathaniel wasn't the right guy for you? Thank you for telling me to shove it, because I would hate it if I had messed up your life as much as I have mine."

"You didn't mess up your life." She took my hand. "Things just happen, and life is just life. And you were right about Nathaniel back then, he was a tool. He cheated on me."

"No, he didn't." If he had, I was going to kill him.

She nodded, spinning the ring on her finger. "It was a few weeks after I dropped out. I met the girl and punched her right in the face, but I couldn't face you. I didn't drop out because of Nathaniel, I dropped out because I couldn't keep up, and there you were, excelling at the speed of light. I felt like my world was crumbling, and I couldn't face you or my parents, so I broke up with Nathaniel and worked at a bar that year we didn't speak. I could have called you at any time, but I just wanted to be on my own. Nathaniel and I had just gotten back together when we became friends again. I never told you because it seemed dumb in hindsight, and I knew you would be upset you hadn't come earlier."

"I'm a pretty bad friend. I'm so sorry I wasn't there, Ari, and here I am coming to you now, crying all over your shoulder."

She shrugged. "You came because you trusted me, and I'm happy. I feel bad that I didn't trust you enough back then."

I pulled her into a hug, and we both fell onto the sand, laughing.

"Promise me no matter what, you will tell me if anything happens, all right? And if Nathaniel ever—"

"I got it, I got it. Go, you have your own love life to sort out.

That was the problem. I had a life, but I no longer had a love life.

Lauren

I was a Mother.

My daughter's name was Angelica Jauregui.

She weighed 3lbs, 4.3oz.

And she was beautiful.

She was even able to breathe on her own, but would not leave the NICU for a while, and she couldn't come out of her incubator yet. Even so, she was still beautiful. I had spent the last 48 hours next to her. She would need a few more tests, but my mother believed she would make it. Right then, Keana was in with her, sitting in her wheelchair, while I stood outside, signing papers.

"You look like you've had a rough couple of days."

Hearing her voice made me freeze. I quickly prayed that when I turned around she would be there, and thanked God that she was when I did.

She held up a cup of what smelled like coffee for me.

Ignoring it, I pulled her into my arms...only she didn't hug me back. She just stood there.

"Camila," I said, breaking free. "I know this is messy and confusing, but I will work it out, I promise you—"

"Lauren, it's okay," she whispered, placing the cup in my hand. "Don't worry about me, I'm going to be fine. The only person that should be on your mind is your daughter. Congratulations. I really hope she gets much stronger."

I hated this, how she smiled and it was so obviously fake, how it felt like she had closed the door on me. She had become cold.

"Karla Camila, don't." I could feel it coming. "I know I can figure this out. Don't shut me out. Give me a chance. Give us a chance—"

"Lauren, we were just a fling."

She all but stabbed me with her words, smiling still. "We were two lonely people who found comfort in each other, and now it's time to get back to reality. You've been a great friend to me—"

"Stop it." I couldn't listen anymore.

"Lauren—"

"Stop saying my name like that, like I never mattered to you. You are lying to my face right now; it's so clear I feel insulted that you think I wouldn't notice."

"National Geographic is starting a new magazine called The Wonder. I'm going to be leaving for India, and then South Korea, and Russia. I'm going to take pictures all over the world, Lauren, and you're going to be an amazing Mother. "

"You are running." She was running as far as possible from me, and it hurt in ways I couldn't begin to describe.

"I'm going to—"

"To take pictures, I heard you, but don't go. You love me, so don't go, Camila Cabello."

For the first time, the fake mask she had been hiding under started to crack, and she couldn't force that smile any more. "I never said I loved you, Lauren. So let's just do this—"

"Simply? Easily? Does any of this look simple or easy? Camila, you told me with your hands, your eyes, your body, that you were in love with me, and now you are running to India without giving me a chance."

She shook her head, brushing hair behind her ear. "It was just sex, Lauren—"

"You said it. You said it, right before you fell asleep in my arms that night. You must have thought you were only thinking it, but you said it with your own two lips, six words: I'm in love with you, Laur. So don't tell me it was just sex. Don't smile and say we were a fling." I cupped her cheek, forcing her to look at me. "It wasn't, we aren't. With every fiber of my being, I know that what is between us is more than that, because I'm in love with you, too, Camila. So love me enough to say the words. Please."

When she looked back to me, her eyes filled with tears she wouldn't let fall. "Love me enough to let me go, Lauren."

My hand dropped from her face and I felt my eyes burn. I couldn't. I wouldn't let us end that way, and yet she was going to leave. She didn't deny she loved me, and she was still just going to leave me anyway. "Okay," I whispered, and I hoped it hurt her to hear as much as it hurt me to say.

She nodded, walking away.

"Camila," I called.

She stopped, but didn't turn back to me.

"Eat a lot in India, and laugh even more in South Korea, and remember to keep warm in Russia. Wherever you go after that, be safe, stay healthy, and when you are ready to return home...come back to me. I will be here. In a year, in five, or ten, or twenty years, I'll be right here, waiting for you to come back to me." (manipulative motherfucking asshole)

Her body partially turned.

And partially I hoped.

But she just kept walking away.

"Are you—"

"No," I said to Ian, handing him the cup of coffee she'd given me as her parting present. "I'm not all right."