cinema [h.s.]

chapter thirty two.

⚠️ TW!!! Mentions of birth trauma and postpartum depression.

February 4, 2021.

I think I'm pregnant.

For the past five days I've been very nauseous, moody, overly tired and my boobs hurt worse than they ever have.

Not to mention, my period is late.

Almost a full week to be exact.

I've been late before and it was a false alarm. I thought maybe it was late because I've been so stressed, but all of my symptoms are starting to make me believe this time it's not a false alarm.

Mila gave me a box of pregnancy tests three days ago at Harry's birthday party but I haven't taken them. I stored the box under the hallway bathroom sink in hopes that between then and now I'd start my period, but I haven't.

Part of me doesn't want to take it because I've pretty much convinced myself that I am pregnant. What if I take the test and it comes up negative?

Harry and I are in no way ready to have a baby.

We've only been dating for seven months but I love the thought of me and Harry having a baby that is genetically both of us.

The other part of me is screaming to take the test because if it is positive, it will change everything.

Harry is supposed to go on tour at the beginning of September. I can't travel with a newborn and a four year old and I especially can't travel if I'm still pregnant at the time tour starts.

The thought of me potentially being pregnant is terrifying. I'm not ready for all the changes my body will go through.

With Ivy, I really struggled with the way my body looked when I was pregnant.

The stretch marks, the rash that would randomly pop up on my belly, the rapid hair growth and the weight gain.

Not to mention labor. My labor and delivery with Ivy was horrific. I was alone and half way through pushing, her heart rate dropped tremendously due to the umbilical cord being wrapped around her neck.

I almost lost her.

She came out blue and lifeless and the doctors wouldn't tell me what was wrong no matter how hard I pressed for answers.

I didn't see my baby until almost a full day after she was born.

I can't go through that again. I won't let myself go through that again, especially alone.

What if he leaves just like Ashton did? What if he doesn't want kids because he feels like it's too soon? Thousands of thoughts rush through my head and I soon find myself panicking.