cinema [h.s.]

chapter forty four.

the song above describes harry's feelings the first half of this chapter. feel free to play it if you want. he is having a really hard time processing how much his life has changed and he's letting his anxiety get the best of him.

I will put an italic where to start the song. this chapter was made with a heavy heart so please be gentle with my sweet harry in the comments.

April 30, 2021.

I can't sleep.

It's five in the morning and I can't sleep.

I've been tossing and turning for the past hour, trying to clear my brain from all of the negative, flashing red thoughts that reside within my head but they won't go away.

No matter what I do, they won't go away.

I gulp and look back over my shoulder, watching as Rory sleeps peacefully. Her hair is laid out, one arm tucked under her pillow while the other one cradles her baby bump.

Our little girl is seventeen weeks and one day gestation as of today. In three weeks we'll be half way to meeting her and while I'm excited to watch Rory bring our daughter earth side, I'm also terrified of the responsibilities that come with being a parent.

I've never had a baby before. I don't know what to expect. Rory is practically an expert. She raised Ivy all by herself and did one hell of a job.

There's so many unknowns that come with raising a child. I've been a parent to a four year old for nine months and I still don't know what the hell I'm doing half of the time.

Raising a child is so much different than raising a baby. Ivy is somewhat self sufficient. She can grab snacks if she wants them, make herself drinks and entertain herself.

Babies are the complete opposite. They need your attention twenty four seven according to one of the books that I'm reading. They depend on you to keep them alive.

I can't even keep plants alive. How am I supposed to take care of a baby?

I'm so scared I won't do anything right. I can't even tell you how to change a diaper. How much is Lola supposed to eat? How often is she supposed to be fed? I have no clue what's normal and what's not.

I don't know anything and it makes me nervous. I want to be the best version of myself by the time Lola comes and I'm worried that I won't be. I want my daughters to grow up knowing that I was there when they woke up crying at two am.

I want them to know that I tried my hardest everyday to make sure that they thrived. How am I supposed to do that if I don't know how to take care of a baby.