An Abomination

Vulnerability

I lay down on my bed at night not quite grasping onto the everlasting truth that lingers around me I ignore it, to lie to myself, every. Single. Night.
A waterfall sips in my brains the cold calamity rushes through me like the breeze of a summer's laughter, the dexterity of the situation doesn't fully hit me I'm just 15 right, a young innocent girl. But everything happens for a reason right for years and years I couldn't find a rational reason AT ALL. Why did this happen to me, did I maybe do something in my past life to deserve this, how can I even love anyone not in a romantic way seven, parental, spiritual way how can I love,? the mere word makes me feel almost grotesque and frown it feels and makes me naked stripped of my hard covering the word "love" makes me feel vulnerable and I hate it.
But isn't venerability good? Or it is said to be, to show your weak spots for the world to see making you brave and strong but if I show a socially unappealing side which at the same time makes me naked in my eyes which side would they choose, their heart or will they
conquer a soul to make some compassion.

I cannot fathom how my brain processes information and feelings, how can I find this way with no trigger there was most certainly no gun in my head, though sometimes I wish there was. How can I have someone control me, without a proper reason to be controlled by those thoughts in the first place? It's not me wanting to feel this way, finding something to make me feel weak and ill, I may be immature but I wouldn't snoop to that level. A man would not want to be controlled by false hopes or desires only his tongue.
That is what I'd like to think but my voice and my thoughts do not want me to be ill I want a good relationship with myself, I need to find a common ground, but I can't seem to find anything I want to live within myself, not a spark or something that can last me through a cold winter that can make me smile.