An Abomination

Green bile

The silence of the night suffocates me, the words of admittance, rolled off my tongue like a curse. The nurses had a shine of sympathy in their eyes that I've never seen. The tips of my toes were so cold they turned numb. To be prodded with needles continuously, while I held my tongue the whole time with the bitter, chalky, sharp taste assaulted it, forcing myself not to swallow my saliva as it would be another stupid reminder of what I've done.

I felt nothing, wasn't I supposed to be overwhelmed with emotions, bawling my eyes out, angry it didn't work? I wasn't mad that I didn't feel anything though, I just was so done with myself.

I am a monster.

I saw my own father crying, and why didn't I feel anything, I felt absolutely indifferent. The silence was as sharp as thin ice. My mom, well our relationship is like stepping on hot rocks but she cared through the phone. It seemed like I was the cold hearted prick here.

I felt light as a feather, my conscience wasn't me. I wasn't me, I wasn't there. This was all my figment of my imagination. Each step was like on cold water, I felt at peace. It was tranquil there was nothing there.

If if were all real, maybe I would've been a more zen person.

The reality was my stomach seemed to crush my body as it painfully made me regurgitate everywhere over my hospital gown, my socks, my arms and the bed I was on. It was blades twisting and turning within me, yet the void in me remained, detached from everything emotionally, at-least I had physical pain to keep my mind active.

Being transferred to the ward, while lying on the bed through I remember each movement gnawed at my skin. I felt my stomach churn violently as a yelled "wait, wait stop anyone have a plastic bag" the old man transferring me scurried around my bed to look for one while the nurses tried to support me. However it was too late, the physical pain was unbearable, as I tasted the acid at my throw it was a millisecond before I saw the green bile all over the bed, and myself. The wet bile on my skin made it the more uncomfortable, looked like an utter mess.

The hospital was crowded so I was to be put outside the main wards. It was around 5am, so it was the time most people woke up there. While I was there, funnily enough. Super popular crowded by nurses and doctors, I remember this doctor with black framed glasses had a asked me "how I felt" I thought I was all funny to reply with "I've been better" Had to stand up to take my vitals, through out all this mess I could barely carry myself, I felt like I was falling in and out of consciousness though I was still there, if that made sense?

Of course I fell over, and I was put on bed rest. I had to rot there wallowing in my own self loathing, I was so accustomed to it that it just felt like everyday.  Of course due to my vitals the doctors were suspicious of my eating disorder, till that point I wasn't aware it could be tracked medically. Well, at-least I couldn't eat or drink for two days due to me rejecting any food immediately.

Watching my resting heart rate of 38 I prayed though I don't believe it any gods, myths of legends, that'll witness my own death as it would drop to 0. My delusion was if I stared at it long enough it was work.

Every feud with my family, all the stupid coping mechanisms I've been through, all the sleepless nights wishing I could feel something, wanting to not be so damn angry all the time. Led to this moment. This is further evidence to me that life is fucking meaningless, some people just can look aimlessly for a meaning to it all but they were born to live a life with no means for it. And I was the cursed one.

I was in this temporary ward for a couple hours, till I was moved to the high dependency ward, only with babies, still with the needles with iv antidotes and whatever chemicals they pumped into me, I was compliant even with the intrusive thought to pull it out of my arm. I do not deserve to get better, or get treatment I am not ill enough for this. The days in the high dependency wards was blurry I couldn't move out of my bed, couldn't shower or wash my hair, and needed to use a damn commode to take a piss, feeling like I was some kind of vegetable, needed to be wiped down by the nurses. Definitely deflated my ego, if I even had any in the first place. I just know I had copious amounts of blood tests, and I am not one with obvious veins so they needed to keep tightening the band to find it and flick at my arm which was pretty humorous, till it left a purple black bruise on a failed attempt.

It felt like nothing happened. I was just there, and things just happened. Truly meaningless.