An Abomination

Lover's Tears In November

I seem like I'm such a suffocating person, I'm constantly riddled with thoughts of not wanting to get better due to seeing others suffering, which encourages me to go into a downward spiral. I don't have trust that they would do better as they would worry that they may think I see them differently, I know that you know that there's better out there. But maybe you just know that I won't leave and that I would not treat you like shit. You feel like I would and you even said that you'd allow it, which I refuse to make excuses for myself or my actions. Treating others horribly in turn makes me feel like human gabbage. The fact that I sometimes feel so shut out and overwhelming angry with the world and every small action that I act out on others, innocent people that don't deserve my wrath. I'm fully aware that I have issues that I don't even know the core of, I don't want to psychoanalyze myself to make it either, and I don't want to see myself any worse than I already have. Also, I'm not sure my pea-sized brain and handle all that thinking. I can confirm that I worry that you are always on your feet on ways to harm yourself, indirectly as well. And seeing that someone is genuinely getting worse or struggling in front of my very eyes hurts, it hurts even more that I know I can't do anything about it, I'm not good with words.

I've been searching for something that refuses to exist.

It ruptures from the wound and never stops bleeding.

I can't seem to fully trust someone who doesn't even trust themselves.

It's every day I'm waiting for Betrayal to knock on my front door.

You can't fix something that, doesn't want to be helped. You run into a burning building covered in gasoline, and you know that there's going to be an impending doom.

I want to peel off my skin and shed into a new body, and new experiences I want to start afresh and away from all these rapid thoughts.

I want to drown in a sea of purity to wash all the sin off my body and to bathe and soak in the feeling of being rebirthed and clean.

I feel like all my life I've been trying to be everyone but myself.

Could you honestly say you still love me after seeing myself through my eyes?

You stress me out cause I know you more ill and stressed compared to me and it hurts me so much to see you struggle through all of it, everything that could be related to be mental health struggles I immediately think you're harming yourself, or thinking of doing it, or already done the acts. I know you're braver and you really would do it unlike me and that's even scarier. It makes me feel so small and weak and that I have something to prove to myself. It's a stabbing sensation of worry and fear that cleaves my head when I think about you being stressed and trying your best to hide things from me. Because I fucking know you are and it's not your fault that you don't open up or trust easily and I'm appreciative that you do. But I wish I could have a moment where I thought of you where I didn't need to fear you treating yourself badly and that I could fully trust you would start not doing it. I wish you would start doing things for yourself I should never be the sole reason for you to do or not do something, see your worth and the benefits it would have for you and the impacts and consequences. However, you're just blinded by your mindset so much to the point anything else from it is foreign and wrong.

I want to see you happy, but for yourself not cause of someone.

I love you so much that I would let you go.

The beauty of love is that it's exhausting.

I want someone who doesn't worry about me, so I do not always feel like I'm in the dark or that It's my fault for making others feel like their worries are burdens, it shows that I'm a waste of their worries and not that trusted.

You don't think I love you don't you there's a throbbing feeling in my chest, that reaffirms to me that you don't believe any of the words that I've said time and time again, because if you believed them you wouldn't need me to repeat them. You don't believe my love for you, I'm disgusting, a grouse human being, a good-for-nothing, not talented or good-looking either. Nobody would look back and think they had lost a star or a meaningful person filled with unseen potential. I fucking don't deserve any love or time of day. I deserve to rot in my thoughts, till my final breath. There's so much wrong with me, that loving me would feel like a crime by itself, love isn't made for me and I don't deserve any of it either way. I just want to wither away to never be remembered again. I can't take this anymore, but I think to myself it's not an overwhelming amount of events isn't it? It's the fact there's an overwhelming amount of nothingness that makes it overbearing. I need to feel something, anything.

I should repent for being alive, and taking out air and space.

I can't express how much I hate myself but the fact that I can't even properly express my self-loathing is even more hurtful.

I feel repulsed when I look at myself