nemesism // spencer reid angst

to see you alive

 Spencer held two items in his hands; an unused pencil sharpener and his trusty pocketknife that contained a small screwdriver. Refusing to think about his actions, Spencer shakily unscrewed and removed the blades from the sharpener. He thanked his lucky stars to have stashed it away months ago for a time like this. Self-harming on a case wasn't something he ever expected to be doing, but he wanted to be prepared, just in case.

The sharp piece of metal fell out of the plastic casing and landed in the palm of his hand. As if on autopilot, Spencer dropped the empty sharpener back into his bag and pushed his left sleeve up harshly. He would have to get rid of it later; he couldn't risk someone finding it. But before he acted, a thought hit him.

Spencer pulled his sleeve back down and instead opted to shimmy out of his pants, rolling them down to his knees and pushing his boxers up to reveal his upper thigh. He hadn't cut on his legs in a long time, but he knew he needed to do it that way. Otherwise, Derek would easily find out about it. Spencer took several deep breaths before breaking his promise to never hurt himself while working a case.

As soon as the blade slid through his skin, as soon as Spencer saw the white, the blood, it all felt better. They weren't very deep, but he could breathe again. His head fell back against the wall after five cuts and a small smile slipped onto his face. There was something so utterly entrancing about it, something that left him in a strong state of tranquility.

Spencer knew he needed to take care of his wounds, but he didn't want to move. The peaceful energy resting in his body would surely disappear as soon as he left the precinct bathroom. He was surprised that JJ and Emily hadn't followed him. He guessed it was probably a combination of guilt and shock that kept them away. Whatever it was, Spencer was grateful.

That didn't last long, though. Spencer was pulled out of his thoughts by the shrill ringing of his phone. Sighing, he pulled it out of his pocket. Nerves hit him hard upon seeing the caller ID: Derek Morgan.

"Well, shit." Spencer whispered as he rubbed his palm across his face. He knew he had to answer, but he really, really didn't want to. The girls must've alerted him of what had happened, Spencer concluded. He reluctantly accepted the call and raised the phone to his ear.

"Hello?" Spencer cringed at how shaky his voice came out.

"Spencer? Are you okay, are you safe?" Derek was speaking frantically. Background noise filtering from his side of the line faded, "I'm alone now, it's okay. Talk to me."

"Hah. Um, I mean, nothing bad happened. I just ended up having to tell Emily and JJ about my- my thing." Spencer hated saying 'self-harm' out loud when referring to himself. It seemed wrong, felt too devastating to tie to himself.

"Pretty boy, Emily told me what happened. You don't have to downplay it. The snapping - while unprofessional, yes, - was warranted," Derek took a deep breath, "You didn't answer my question before, when I asked if you were safe."

"Wait, Emily called? Was JJ on the phone too?" He asked. Spencer was purposefully ignoring Derek's questions. The last thing he wanted to do was lie; hell, he wasn't even sure if he could. For some reason, lying to Derek now felt like an unimaginable crime.

"No, she wasn't. Emily said she was distraught. But we can discuss that later, alright? I need you to tell me if you're safe." Derek's voice was strained with fear.

"Uh-" Spencer hesitated and glanced down at his legs and the slits resting on them with a gulp. Before he could even attempt to come up with something to say, Derek cut in.

"I'm on my way. Stay on the phone with me and don't you dare do anything." Shuffling and banging crackled through the phone as Derek gathered his things. When Spencer didn't reply, Derek asked, "Got it?"