nemesism // spencer reid angst

hope

 Derek led Spencer out of the bathroom and over to their assigned meeting room, Spencer's head held down the entire time. Typically he would be embarrassed by the red, tear-stained cheeks he was sporting, but he was too tired to care; the whole ordeal had drained an immense amount of energy from him. Spencer virtually collapsed on the floor in the corner of the room. He could feel Emily and JJ's gaze burning into him, but he refused to look up at them. Instead, Spencer opted to lower his head between his knees.

"I'm taking him back to the hotel. He can't be here right now." Derek whispered to the women.

"Is he going to be okay?" JJ's shaky voice was quiet and scared.

"I don't know, JJ. I really don't know. He's extremely upset." Derek sighed heavily.

"How long?" Emily breathed.

"What?" Derek's eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"How long have you known?"

"Oh. Um, I've known since last week. So has Hotch. I called him when I found out about it."

"And he was allowed back to work?" JJ asked incredulously.

"Yes. Honestly, we were more worried about what he would- well, what he would do to himself if he didn't have work as a distraction." Derek confessed.

"Did he- you know? Just now?" Emily whispered.

"I don't know. He wouldn't let me check." Derek sounded borderline distraught, and Spencer couldn't help but speak up.

"I didn't." Spencer croaked. He stood up and stretched his muscles before he walked over to the group and rolled his sleeves up, showing them that there were no fresh cuts. "See?"

"Shit, Spencer. You scared us." Emily's body deflated and she reached out to grasp his hands in her own. Spencer flinched slightly but allowed her to conjoin their fingers.

"Sorry." Spencer looked away, ashamed. He hated doing this to his friends. If only Derek hadn't found out, if only he wasn't their burden to handle, if only he wasn't anyone's burden to handle... Spencer squeezed his eyes shut harshly to cut off the thought spiral before it hit the deep, dark pit of suicidal ideation.

"It's okay, Spence. I'm sorry I pushed you, and I'm so sorry I didn't see this until now." JJ murmured.

"It's not your fault. I kept it a secret on purpose. I'm pretty good at masking, keeping all of this out of everyone's view." Spencer gently removed his hands from Emily's grasp, hands shaking nervously. "I'd like to go back to the hotel now, if that's okay?" He looked up to meet Derek's eyes. Spencer had previously wanted to continue being involved in the case, but he didn't think he was capable of doing so at the moment.

"Of course, pretty boy. Let me grab my things and we can head back." Derek walked over to the table and carefully packed a manila folder full of case information in his bag before tossing the bag over his shoulder and returning to Spencer.

"I've got my stuff here." Spencer pointed at the bag hanging from his right shoulder awkwardly. It hadn't left his side since he left the bathroom; he felt better having it around. A bit of a comfort item of sorts, Spencer recognized.

"Alright, then. Let's go, yes?" Derek put a hand on Spencer's shoulder and squeezed it gently before removing it and turning to address Emily and JJ. "I'll see you two tomorrow. Call me if you find anything new, I'll be working on paperwork back at the hotel."

Upon receiving nods from the women, Derek and Spencer turned to leave. Spencer resisted the urge to look over his shoulder at Emily and JJ. As much as he wanted to say a proper goodbye, Spencer was too out of sorts and upset to bother. After a moment's hesitation, he reached out to Derek. Derek looked confused at first, eyebrows furrowed, before picking up on what Spencer was asking for. The two joined hands as they walked out of the precinct. Spencer didn't care who saw, all he cared about was the warmth and comfort Derek was providing him.