nemesism // spencer reid angst

tear in my heart

Spencer wasn't sure whether or not he was excited for the team dinner. He had no idea if the restaurant they were going to would be loud and he was already drained from the case. There was no telling how intense the sensory input would be.

"You okay?" Derek's voice cut into his worries. Spencer looked up and met eyes with the man briefly before humming an unconvincing 'yes'.

"If we weren't in a vehicle right now, I wouldn't let you get away with that." Derek pointed out, sighing as Spencer gazed out his window in silence. Derek continued to talk, but Spencer wasn't fully there anymore - he had slipped into a different state.

The buildings, trees, and sidewalks all blended together as his eyes blurred. In the back of his mind, Spencer knew he should stop himself from falling farther, should tear his eyes away from the fixed spot they were stuck in. But it wasn't that easy. Spencer allowed the colors and shapes to blend and morph until they were nothing but abstract blobs of a dull hue. This halfway point between fully dissociating and being connected to reality felt safe, and Spencer wasn't ready to let go of it yet. If he's honest, he lived most of his life in a semi-dissociated state. Some days he fought it, while others he allowed himself to succumb. This just happened to be one of the days where the silent in-between was much more appealing than reality. But nothing good ever lasted long.

"Spencer? Hey, you there?" Derek's voice was loud enough to elicit a head-jerk reaction from Spencer, snapping him out of his stupor.

"Mhm. Sorry." Spencer mumbled. Looking around, he realized that the vehicle had stopped, and they were in a parking lot. He could see JJ and Emily laughing together as they walked through the doors of the large, busy building in front of them - the restaurant. He felt himself pale slightly. Spencer knew he was in for a hell of a night.

"You okay, pretty boy? If not, we can go back to the hotel. No worries at all." Spencer inhaled sharply at the offer. Sure, he'd love to take it, but what good would that do? His team would worry, and Derek would miss out on having a fun night. Spencer wasn't about to take anything else away from Derek.

"I'm all good." Spencer smiled, but by the look on Derek's face, the man could tell he was faking it. "I promise, I really am! If I get overwhelmed, I'll let you know, okay? Let's just go have some fun." He reached over and gave Derek's hand a squeeze, the smile on his face suddenly genuine. Spencer couldn't not smile when physically connected to Derek.

"Alright. Don't be afraid to tell me if you need to leave. I won't be mad at you, not one bit." Derek squeezed Spencer's hand back before pulling his away, opting to place it on Spencer's cheek instead. "You're amazing, my pretty boy."

"Says you." Spencer blushed, feeling suddenly bashful. There was something about Derek that made his walls come down. He realized with a start that Derek was leaning over to him. Before Spencer could even react, Derek left a soft and quick kiss on his forehead. If he wasn't red before, he definitely was now.

"You ready?" Derek chuckled upon seeing Spencer's flush, reaching out again and tucking a loose curl behind his ear.

"I love it when you do that." Spencer exhaled softly, eyes fluttering closed.

"What, mess with your hair?" Derek asked.

"Yeah. It's calming." Spencer opened his eyes. "You're calming."

 "Well, that's good. I sure do try to be!" The two chuckled at Derek's statement. Pulling back to their own sides of the SUV, they opened the doors and hopped out. Even though it was a rough case, Spencer felt rejuvenated, mostly ready to face the sensory nightmare in his near future. Derek stepped up beside him and motioned to the building. Spencer followed Derek over, smiling softly when the man held the door for him.